firstly, thank you all... for your kind words, your prayers and thoughts, being away from home and having you all with me, so to speak did help, i have been on a long hard journey and i know its no where over yet, in fact i know the worse bit will never be over as such, and another journey has only just begun for me... and as i am seated back in El Zoco with mucho gente about i better not get into that just now... i am raw....


.... back in Spain now, we're down at maria's apartment on the beach, the road to the coast is still closed for another ten months or so, and the short 2kilometre road that leads to it from our house is now closed for two months, the detour for this is more than the distance to the coast altogether! so we're down here for now... the house when we came home last Sunday was a nightmare... green and black mold mildew on nearly every wall and ceiling, it had started a few months ago with the amount of rain we had been having but with the house completely shut up over the last few weeks it has really taken over. we cleaned up what we could, sprayed the house with anti mold stuff... the bed was wet with it, the leather sofa green, two leather jackets green and a couple of bags and shoes.. revolting... you can see so many of the houses
just the same, at least we don't have the mold on the outside too where its really gotten hold, and some houses have huge cracks running through too! and no doubt after a short while of living back in the house windows open and air coming though it will clear up... bit like all the MSG i have eaten recently and the rash on my face!!!!

we have no home phone here so no Internet, but i will be making a more or less daily trip to local wifi hot spots to read and write...

heard something on tv yesterday, they said the worse thing about grief when someone dies is the lack of communication... so so true, all i want to do is phone mom, all the time, i have so many things i need to tell her... we spoke so often, more than once a day sometimes, just silly things... and some of the thing i have need to tell her are about how i feel about her not being here... i have even thought of ringing her phone number, how dumb is that!

leaving her home, her little castle empty and cleared and full of nothing was so awful, Franco and tony went back to collect the last of moms things, i couldn't go back again, i had said 'goodbye' to it...

i picked up to read the book i was reading the day mom passed away, i wanted to, i want to finish it, but as i began to read it, it was so strange to carry on the words of something while what has happened in between has had such an impact on my life...

a friend, who lost her mom a couple of weeks at the most, before me, said even though i am expecting her to die, the shock will be something i could never imagine... so true...

i thank God i was with her, talking to her, giving her assurances, but i cannot stop reliving the day, the last weeks and couple of months all the time, over and over. did i do everything i could? did i say the right things? is she still here with me? i know you will say yes yes and yes... and i do feel i did, but... but i cannot believe the feeling of loss...

moms service could not have been better.. i think i found the right words to say, moms story in mini graph, the songs, the Alica keys empire state song was playing when Franco and i were at luton airport... mom was given the most amazing beautiful flowers, i wish i had a photo of them now... i was worried the 'mom' flowers from me would be spelt wrong, mom would not have been pleased with that!

someones phone went off in the service... val! but it was a suitable song... mom would have laughed her head off over it! and it was the florist saying no flowers... but they came to me this week, here in Spain, so i have some of mom's flowers here for a while, while they last which was a lovely thought, maybe mom had something to do with that after all eh!

some good friends were helping with taking carpet and underlay to the dump on the Friday morning, we were sitting in the kitchen, the last of the furniture to sit on! and a light kept flashing under a cupboard.. it was mom's torch, it hadn't worked when i had tried it a couple of months before, but now it was flashing on and off! Sunday morning, very early, before leaving for the airport in Tony's kitchen... mom's torch again.. flashing in Tony's kitchen cupboard... well if that wasn't mom i would like to know who it was!!!!

i had booked two cases for me and one for Franco, well it said you could on the Thomson's web site, and when i checked out the booking reference number late the night before it said on the email, two cases, total of 20k... which is the normal weight per case! wish they had mentioned that when we were booking the flight! so i had to suddenly, late, tired, over emotional(?) sort our the cases so i was taking back what i could, so i have a whole case load missing, it would have been about a hundred pounds to take it, so that wasn't happening.

i had been so good in England with avoiding the old MSG, now i look like a victim of plague! i think
two helpings of branston pickle and some jam may not of helped, even the little magdalena cakes... well they do last about a month in the cupboard! so i better make a cake, or just eat chocolate, which i know is good... i think in my suitcase at Tony's is a packet of food allergy tablets... i need them! big time!

Pippa seems to behaving herself better here this year, a year ago we were here too, and pip was barking at everyone and every thing! but she seems better, maybe it was the two weeks in the kennels, or the nearly 3 months it was just her and Franco... she wont tell me how he did with keeping her under control?

we will check on the house every week, and the neighbors are being watchful for us, we went up today, we had forgotten a couple of things we really needed, like Franco's passport! we would lose the car if you don't have that on you when the police pull you over...

i sorted out Telefonica also when we got here, we had been cut off a couple of days before Franco came over, money in the bank, not the problem of course, they took their money in January, and march, as they did over the last couple of years, well more or less after we moved our branch from Fuengirola to Alhaurín two years ago, but February's bill Telefonica thought they would try to get the money from the old Fuengirola account, you see they change the account number etc here(?????) so even though it was their mistake and took marches from the right place they cut us off!

i phoned the day after we got here, but was too emotional(?) i called again the following day, we had to pay the bill cash, i cancelled the Internet for a while, we're not there at the moment so no point paying nearly 30 euros a month for that, and i also asked for a three week refund for the amount of time we were cut off due to their mistake! we will see eh.... i am not holding my breath over that one.

back to the wifi area in el zoco again for Pippa and i now, poor pip, this little machine of mine lasts
for three hours, unlike the hefty thing of Franco's i was carrying around last year which lasted an
hour! sitting there the first day was awful, it was Friday, it was also the first day i had been on
my own all day, since i was here really, when i was in England i was either on my way or coming back from travel to watford to see mom, then with her for an hour, or once in the care home, with mom for 6 or 7 hours every day, then afterwards... i had never been alone... so Friday was hard.. some friends of ours came past which was so lucky, i couldn't believe it, i had just read an email which was not pleasant, was talking to Barry on skype and trying to write a civilised letter in response, needed a friendly face, and along came two! they sat with me for a while, we had a chat, then along came someone who owes Franco a helluva load of money, so that was great, he didn't even acknowledge me, and he had called Franco and i family... how guilt changes people eh...


well, have a caught up with stuff? probably not, but this is it for today, its Sunday and i will be able to get this posted tomorrow morning...this morning now... Pippa hates it here, had to walk her a different way this morning and we have only been here twice now! never mind... get to like it girl... please...


TTFN amigos, good to be home...
Marian

we're going off line soon, maybe before i even get a chance to up load blog....

tomorrow is Moms service, 11:45am....

below the music we are having played, the first, the 23rd psalm as we enter...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JeDgoOBrIc

the next, Rhidian Roberts... To where you are...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIxic0AbMtY

and finally Alisha Keys... Empire State....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMS5xQ_V0TQ



nothing more to say, tears are not far from my eyes all day today....

tomorrow the card on my flowers to my Mom shall read...

My Dear Mom ~
I miss you more than words can say, the pain in my heart from one unimaginable day. Be at peace now, resting in God's arms...
with love always....

Shadow and sun; so too our lives are made. yet think how great the sun, how small the shade...

Moms service is on Wednesday, St Patricks Day... 11:45am...

i have chosen the music, checked with the boys, yes ok... although Tony said the track in the middle might break me... i am broken anyway....

i have done so much i am exhausted, and while my body has been busy keeping my mind busy too, a little, apart from coming across things like my mothers day cards to Mom... lots of strange things some that i have never seen before, and my step-Dads things i havent seen in a long time...

i seem to be keeping a somewhat huge amount of things that i have no idea where i can keep them...

Mothers Day tomorrow....

My Mom passed away last evening... she was peaceful, no pain, i was with her, actually holding her as she took her last breaths.. i would normally have gone back to her place by this late in the day but Tony and Kate were coming after work...

about 5:30pm i could tell a change in my Moms breathing, quieter and very steady, i got up and stood next to her, holding her and stroking her hair, leaning and talking to her, lots of positive things and telling her i love you Mom... at 6pm her clock chimed and she missed a breath making me scared for a moment till she took the next one, then she stopped altogether and i called the nurses, Mom took another few breathes after a few minutes and moved her mouth as if to speak... then a last breath....

they moved a chair for me to sit quietly with her, i was holding her again then Tony and Kate arrived, and we sat with Mom for a while... i talked to her some more and we tried not to cry, not wanting our tears to be the final things she heard...

earlier in the afternoon the Vicar from St Marys Northchurch came as we had arranged and after we had chatted about a bit of our history he stood over Mom and said a prayer, then a commendation prayer... i think this helped prepare my Mom...

she hasnt spoken since saturday, but i have felt, believed, that she has been listening to me rabbit on about something or nothing, talking of where we have been, places and people...

it was a difficult evening and night, and i was awake from 5am this morning, worrying about all the things we have to do today, thank goodness for Tony being here... wish Barry was too, but he is in netherlands... that was the hardest call, telling Baz over the phone his Gran was gone, even though we knew the time was imminent...

today, hope you dont mind me rambling at a time like this? but maybe its like times like this i need to more than ever?... so this morning Tony and i went back to the care home to collect Moms things, that was hard... then to Moms to hunt down her birth certificate, she had told me everything would be in the black box! ? er no?? but we found the important documents after turning her place in side out, it looks like its been trashed, sorry Mom...

still not found her passport though? i told Tony i think she has taken it with her!!!

we have been to the registry office... and its the funeral arrangements on monday... and you what? i want to call Mom! i want to pick up the phone like i do, and speak to her...

notes from monday 22/02/10

these weeks have been harder than any other part of my life, i know although alone most of the time, when not actually with my mom, i have not been alone with peoples thoughts, prayers and love.

seeing and speaking to franco, and pippa every day has kept me sane, just, knowing my sons are here even if i just cried and cant speak much... the time when they were both away, tonys two weeks which felt like months, i prayed again that Mom would still be 'here' on their return...

it seems like it has snowed every day i have been here.. not true i know, but a huge amount of the time it has, with days of blue sky and sunshine thrown in now and again.

today 22nd february, Mom has been in such awful pain, she had been lucky, a high pain threshold and strength,but yesterday afternoon she was in agony, they had put her on a pain killer, intravienous along with an anti sickness drug, but it didnt touch how she felt, crying out, begging for help, saying help me help me.. wont someone help me.. first they gave her a double dose of morphone orally, then half hour later an injection also. it seemed to help at last a little, i had arrived at 10am and left at 6pm, not wanting to go, fearful of leaving her.. her baby as she had called me earlier..

they had had to give her more pain killer injection this morning before i arrived and the intravenous dose has been upped.. the pain is in her neck, back, chest, she feels she cannot breathe, but is...

to hear my Mom crying for help and not being able to do a thing is pain beyond thinking...
she wanted her back rubbed... she held on and i pulled her up a bit yesterday so i could do so... her back so thin and boney, her hands so thin, reminds me so of my gran before she died...

i shouldn't have been surprised by the two day migraine i had over the weekend, and the tenderness in my head still now, not sure how i am keeping it together at all, so calm and strong, i can talk to people about it all sometimes, then i break.. and back at Moms, i cry....

i want her to be safe, and out of pain, young and healthy once more, running wild around central park with my dad... i want her to forget this awfulness of illness and this pain, she is not used to this pain and asks for it to end, the drugs i think are causing her to say things that dont make sense, just silly stuff mixed up words, she is still complaining about the bed though, and being uncomfortable and why dont they fix it for her! she says she wants to get up and walk around and sit in a chair...

in the hospital they got up her out of bed using a harness, twice, for a moment or two, but her legs are painful, she hasnt sat in a chair or moved of her own free will now for 7 weeks, she has stopped living while still being alive....

the snow is still falling...big tv movie christmas card fairy flakes of snow...

i am just glad she is sleeping now, waking up occasionally to ask when i got here, how long i have been here, or to complain about the pillows...its breaking me into pieces seeing her in such pain.

this morning i went down stairs while the nurses where attending to Mom and in the reception was a someone i knew from a few years back... i think early nineties, she and her husband had a coffee shop in town... she starts work here today as a carer.. small world, and one i am glad to find so...she hasnt changed a bit! maybe she has been sent in my hours of need... my prayers are going all out for Moms hours of need now.. a prayer for release of her pain and suffering

these days are all the same, alarm, food, leave, bus, Mom, leave, food, sleep...

when i get back in the evening sometimes i think to call Mom, like i would used to do.

i am trying to put Mom to ease with words now too, telling her how everything is ok with franco and i with regard to work, money, health... that the boys are both well and doing good.

that her friends have all called to say 'hello'... the flowers are blooming, spring is in the air.

then i turn her mind towards her home town, talking of central park, our trip to paris, the London Eye, the Phantom of the Opera... Italy.. what my cousins are doing in the states.. weddings coming, babies due...

i am trying to put Moms mind to rest...to release her of any worries... that we're all good to go...

of course i may remember this façade, and never believe a word the boys tell me when, well when...

today the weather is all over the place(!) which i guess it usually is being weather ever where,
but i arrived in beautiful sun with a bit of a fresh breeze which was actually welcoming, but it
has rained, got cloudy and dark, then the sun has come out all over again.. strange weather, Mom was born in a storm back 1928 in NY city.. the storm is back, and its coming from the states!

last day of february already tomorrow, i have been here 7 or is it 8 weeks? seems like forever...

i keep running out of ebooks, i had made the mistake of downloading for 21 days and then with only 3 books allowed at any one time, its a long wait, i downloaded one for 7 days, the minimum two days ago and have just finished reading it, so have to wait 5 days before it clears, and the other two dont clear till march 7th, so its back to a puzzle magazine and another article magazine i guess for now...

last night, as most night 4 phone calls from people enquiring about Mom, but every call sends
my heart frantic, and people dont know what to say... i dont know what to say.. especially to those i dont really know, family of Mom's i dont really know, or friends from way back when i havent seen or heard about for donkeys years, my friends who call, i can say more, even if they cant, bless them...

i am having even weirder dreams than usual for me, totally extreme and strange, i try to interpret them when i awake, but some are beyond me!

Mom asks, well did, not too much talking this week at all, but she was asking about how i am doing with sorting through her books and bit and bobs, i tell her nothing has left the house, i cant, i have things sorted now, and boxes, and bags, and a list of sorts...i am finding it hard to place some furniture, well there is only the huge pine wardrobe and pine bookcase mom is really worried about, but even if people could use them, they dont want them, and i understand why, we may have lots of furniture in our homes that has belonged to persons past, well especially if brought up like me within a house full of antiques! and i dont mean the family! but its a bit different when it belongs to someone you know maybe...

so i guess everything will go to charities...apart from the family things of course...

time has passed now and its march 2nd, tuesday, Mom hasnt had any food now for almost a week i, a few spoons of soup or soft food, but non since last week at all. she is breathing out through her mouth so it was almost impossible for her to even drink from a straw or a beaker, so on sunday i started feeding her through a syringe, needle-less syringe, just pushing a little fluid into her mouth, but yesterday she didnt move at all, so no fluid, and today they have said no fluids given anymore incase she sucks it into her lungs.

today unlike yesterday though she has been in pain again, a lot, which was troubling her greatly, they gave her two injections, and upped the dose on the box they automaticly feeds drugs in, every so many minutes now. thank goodness the second injection helped, it cuts like a knife hearing my Mom in pain... she slept calmer the rest of the day...

she is just laying there... saturday, or friday? she was talking about having been bad and that God wouldnt want her, so i told her, she had been good, and not to worry, that unless she had buried someone under the back yard she really didnt have much to worry about... she gave me a strange look!!! but i reassured her, i think, and then she said how worried she was about me... so, again i tried to put her mind at rest...

i did ask for something though... and she said yes, so i pulled the table thing out of the way, lowered her bed down and went in for a hug... she wrapped her arms around me, telling me she loved me...

please pray for my Mom... to be at peace....

Marian