i am reading the second book in the series Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz, just downloaded it this morning and started reading it a few minutes ago... read the first book like this while sitting with Mom, in her last week, now picking up the story in this the second part and a paragraph read *until they move on from this world, even the dead can know fear. you would think they have nothing to lose, but sometimes they are wretched with anxiety, not about what might lie Beyond, but about those whom they have left behind*...

i know i can hear you all screaming at me to stop this, this finding things to hurt myself with, words signs any and everything, self harming of the heart and mind... but just now i will go on with this i cant stop it.

i know my Mom was hanging on, went beyond the time several doctors said she would, and in her last half hour it was like tears coming from her eyes, even just after she passed over, tears i wiped from her eyes... i had tried to tell myself these were not tears, but just the body doing things bodies do, then i read this, i know just a book, just a story book... but enough to upset me eh...probably made worse by the fact that i had just said to Mom, out loud you know, come on Mom where are all the signs you promised me you would show me... now you understand my mind, well maybe not!...

was good to see Fuengirola the other day, i think i will be getting the bus in again next week, just to have a wander about town, i did visit bar Luiz on Tuesday, and told him about Mom, he knew her...

Pippa was a hero yesterday, she started barking on the terrace, a warning bark, i went outside and looked about, just expecting to see people walking by in the garden, although she isn't barking at passers-by much now which is great! but over in the urbanisation next door obscured by some trees i could see some legs in the air!!! someone being held up by someone else and trying to get in an open window, so bit more barking from pip and the two gipsy stopped their breaking and entering and walked off looking at us with not so nice looks! when the men who are staying there got back later i went over and had a word with them to warn them not to leave windows open, took a while to get their attention, the sea is noisy at the moment and i was shouting for ages... feeling like a right twit! then they came out to see what all the fuss was about! cant believe people leave windows open here, especially on the coast, no rejas, persianas (blinds) up, just an open invitation to *come on in, take what you like*, and as the patio doors can be opened easy and no rejas there either, the whole apartment could have been cleared out if we hadn't been there!

then fast asleep, in my dream this awful noise... woke up, woke up Franco... it was a helicopter up over head, only not so high up, sounded horrendous! they were hovering over the sea with their two beams of light going from side to side... i had opened the doors and gone out onto the terrace, followed by Franco and pippa! me in my purple pj's! nice! and as we looked around so many people out to see what was going on! i could just imagine the police in the copter seeing all the little faces staring upwards eyes open wide, mouths agog! looking like a bunch of woken up meerkats!!! what was happening? where was it happening, i then worried some maniac would be jumping up in front of me trying to find a hidey hole! what had they done!!!??? anyway after ten fifteen minutes it moved away, a bit, so gates closed and locked! pulled down the persiana again, windows closed, back to bed, and for the next two hours it continued to hover, right back where it had been earlier, i kept drifting in and out of sleep, weird dreams where light was streaming in through the bedroom blind, normal slightly open blinds, leaving stripes on the opposite walls, police with guns and hoods on! and continually the whirrrring noise up over head...

so what was it? i don't know.... and now on monday morning still don't know by the way!

felt bit better this morning, back on anti inflamitories, luckily the farmacia here didn't ask for a prescription, and even asked how many boxes i wanted? er one please... well for now! but after such a disrupted sleep head ache again this morning, took pip for a long walk just now, to wear her out and to walk out my head ache... both seem to working now back at apartment!

just wish i had wifi!!! always so much i want to do on here... or even phone people, cant phone Mom i know, but cant phone anyone easily, using phone card on mobile, but costs 68cents initially, so use the old ## thing for follow on calls, hope that's how i am supposed to do, called six people last week, two out, onto next, and so far this week another 6, four left messages on answer phones... wish the phone box was back at the top of the street....

well no point rambling on here...
save and close....

saturday now.... no wifi yet, sorry folks, what am i on about? when you read this i will have so am now talking nonsense..(ok ok!)

i have just copied out a poem, i am not sure if i have already posted it, it was written by i don't know who... not my Mom, and now too late to ask, will have to find letters from my Gran and see if it was her, was going through Moms *misc* envelope again, you know the one with all the most important bits of family history in that wasn't in the now famous black box where it should have been! MOM!!!! the poem anyway, is beautiful, weather i have already written it on here before or not, and appropriate... although the same hand has written on the blank side in pencil the solitary word Rhubarb.... i ask you rhubarb!was it a wanted item...? a comment on the poem! surely not!


Poem by Anon for now...


The lips of those whom the earth covers are sealed with the smile of wisdom. They know, but they do not impart their knowledge. But every day the dawn springs afresh, with each season the lambs bleat in the fields, the flowers rise again, the birds awake to their singing, and by every green grave there surges anew in the heart of the bereaved an insistent hope, which speaks not of death, but of life, even length of days for ever and ever.

*******************************
then some strange things like the year my Gran was born, thought it was 1888, always did, from an old needle point she did at school and something else, but on her passport says quite clearly 1889! and someone else in the family, passport, wedding cert, death cert spelt one way, but birth cert and christening... differently! does that mean all the others were never legal! oh heck!

checked at home this morning, this was Saturday also, nightmare! damp has spread, i suppose because its still all closed up, i cleared up the terrace, collected all the dead plants and swept up the steps and roof, looks better now! Franco did some cleaning downstairs, and we aired the house for a while... and... i phoned telefonica, again, and again had to tell them the bill that has come, that they would be expecting payment from was using the wrong account, again, so every other months so far this year, he said it would never happen again, yes well and we have won the euromillions too! i cant believe it, no repayment of internet fees was being done like i asked over two weeks ago, so he said he would implement it and to phone back in ten days and quote the reference number given, i said it was the fourth or fifth reference number and would it make any difference??? we had the normal water bill and some information from the crematorium where Mom's service was...

one of my Mom's aunts died on the same date, strange isn't it, March 4th, aged 82 same again, and then her sister who had shared the same home all their lives together died two months later... i suppose all those years together...

popped into Mijas pueblo to visit the Santuario de la Virgen de la Pena Mom loved so much, and always asked me to visit on her behalf when she was not good, last time was just before i went over to England, i knew how bad she was and i prayed for her, prayed for her not to be kept in pain... prayed for people passed to come to help... and today i thanked her, the tiny saint....

lots of touristas about which was good to see, but the high price of the car park meant we went home for coffee! 1euro for about 15 minutes then its up up up!

some of Mom's baby hair in an envelope too... ok definitely time to go, going into sad place...

ok adio for ahora... well i am in el zoco just now of course to copy and paste this little nugget of a blog today...

and to add a couple of things, Franco and i went into Fuengirola again yesterday late afternoon, went to friends place for a coffee and tapas! it rained while we were there only a drop though, hardly noticeable and didn't leave the ground wet... we had taken pippa out for a walk earlier, we drove up to the now top of Calahonda, is it still called Sitio de Calahonda? must look on my way out today... anyway, takes a while to drive up to the little chapel at the top, would probably take about an hour and half to walk up there... we parked and walked pippa to the top, i forgot my camera! shock horror! took couple of pics with my phone but couldn't work out how to send them wifi to this, so deleted them, will be going again with pip i am sure....

and to now... brought some of Moms baby hair with me and its spread her too now... before i go, i had a dream... yeah yeah... back last year i had a series of strange encounters with my Dad, 3, never dreamt of him before i the whole of my life, but three in a row, the last being with us meeting in a room and hugging, and me knowing he wanted to tell me he was looking out for Mom... he was there for us, both... i had to wait 40 years to dream of him... Friday night i had a similar dream with Mom, i was in a room looking through things, going through bits and pieces that were Moms, some were others were not, but i went through a door and there was my Mom and she opened her arms to me, and we hugged... she didn't speak, like my Dad but i knew she was ok... i am glad she didn't make me wait 40 years, there would have been stern words if she had!!!

ok... i better go now, i feel i am only here with you for moments, i would rather write it *live* so to speak, feel like i am with you then, but never mind... i was here....

TTFN
Marain