Thank you
I was just about to switch this off and try to sleep... it's the 25th today, yesterday would have been my moms 89th birthday... oh mom... I wish I could talk to her even more now than ever before since she passed...
Three sleeps including tonight, if I'm lucky enough to actually sleep I mean, two here and one en-route. Last night I just couldn't get myself out of a pit of despair, I just don't want Franco to not be here, for him to stay and us to carry on doing our stuff... then my mind turns dark and nothing is there, I just see me turning to him and he's not there and I cannot bear it. Family and friends heard me say sad awful things on messenger, I'm sorry, if I don't say them I'll lose it... Yesterday I called a well known phone line, thought it might help, you know, someone separate from my emotions... Rubbish! It was mmmms and arrrhhhs! and silence when I stopped talking... I said I had to go, awful... I have more words of compassion and strength, and giving... but I don't feel my words now... I feel empty now, I just want Franco and home.
Being here makes me keep strong when I am busy, sharing the days activities with the customer, but it's beyond hard hearing things my mom could have been saying to me, from someone else worrying about her daughter...
I wish it wasn't me feeling this, I wish it wasn't Franco leaving. I can't do it.
I was just about to switch this off and try to sleep... it's the 25th today, yesterday would have been my moms 89th birthday... oh mom... I wish I could talk to her even more now than ever before since she passed...
Three sleeps including tonight, if I'm lucky enough to actually sleep I mean, two here and one en-route. Last night I just couldn't get myself out of a pit of despair, I just don't want Franco to not be here, for him to stay and us to carry on doing our stuff... then my mind turns dark and nothing is there, I just see me turning to him and he's not there and I cannot bear it. Family and friends heard me say sad awful things on messenger, I'm sorry, if I don't say them I'll lose it... Yesterday I called a well known phone line, thought it might help, you know, someone separate from my emotions... Rubbish! It was mmmms and arrrhhhs! and silence when I stopped talking... I said I had to go, awful... I have more words of compassion and strength, and giving... but I don't feel my words now... I feel empty now, I just want Franco and home.
Being here makes me keep strong when I am busy, sharing the days activities with the customer, but it's beyond hard hearing things my mom could have been saying to me, from someone else worrying about her daughter...
I wish it wasn't me feeling this, I wish it wasn't Franco leaving. I can't do it.
Can't wait to see you even basic chores are getting difficult now not fair on you really xxcc
ReplyDeleteYour are a strong woman Marian you will get through this !! You are Francos strength ,enjoy each
ReplyDeleteDay as if it was a month live life to the full with lots of love ,laughter and making memories ,I did ! so you can big hug and keep smiling
Thank you Bobbie... I can't see how, I know I have to try xx
DeleteThank you D&B... Your message disappeared, but I want to tell you it meant more to me than you could ever realise xx
ReplyDelete