Beetle attack!

Okay... I have had a bereavement chat with a lady down at Cudeca... they don't have meetings for English speakers down there and I do not have sufficient Spanish to join therefore!

So I just talked, and talked... and well talked!  Explained just about most of everything I am feeling, and although she said I am basically having normal thoughts and feelings, that maybe I should make an appointment with my doctor for medication!?!  Not a route I want to take.

So, its normal!!?? It's normal to feel I've lost my whole world, it's normal to feel this complete and utter devastation... This feeling of nothing, blackness, emptiness... No meaning to life... Is normal!

Hey, I'm normal, no-one calls ME normal!!

And I have decided, apart from this and that as it happens or  I just do my normal rambling, I am going to try to just post just stuff... try not to get myself or others feeling bad... 

Before I do begin to not upset further... I am so sorry to say with a sad and heavier heart... that Francos mom has passed away... the only small light I see is when Pietrina 'arrived'... there her husband, and two of her boys!  And she would have given them a right ear bashing as to why they were there ahead of her!  I wish Franco was here, that he could have been with his family at this time...

And now... Stuff, just stuff.... 

A friend came to stay for a few days!

Jewel Beetle

This big beetle above, totally freaked me out last week, our visitor camera in hand at all times, got a fantastic shot of him!

But to tell the tale as it was, we were sitting in Ronda, having a cold drink and I could feel something tickle my back, I moved a bit in case it was just my hair, then still feeling something there I knocked this thing off me with a click onto the ground! Small scream at this point, then relief it was off me and on the ground!  But he kept on trying to fly and knocking into chairs or parasols... and just couldn't take off!  I told my friend it was going to come back to me, that it was wanting to get back on me!! A few barmen had check it out, just so they knew it wasn't a roach really I guess!

Anyway, he did make it back to me! I knew it! He buzzed up to my head, I didn't know if he was in my hair or what! I flung off my sunglasses and felt something still on my temple, not my sunglasses! and putting my hand back to my face there he was on my face!!!! I just knocked him off me... he fell with another clicky noise onto the ground again!  At which point a couple of guys killed him!!! One tried with his foot, another with a chair leg, I couldn't look! He hadn't hurt me!  But apparently I had screamed really badly that second time, lots of waiters appearing out onto the street, thinking someone had been attacked maybe!!

Poor thing... oh and by the by his Latin name is Calcophora Mariana!

At a bar in town, Pil Pil... and stuffed peppers! A glass of wine!

The Pompidou centre in Málaga, cool white balloons!

By the old bridge in Ronda.

The great Teba fortress!  A bit disappointing, but only for me, my friend said as she had never been there before it was amazing! Of course because we had been there before, Franco Tony and I, it had been open on all floors including the roof where we ventured up and out, I took photographs of course! and the lower floors had holes in them, it was dangerous, it was risky, it was exciting!  Now there is a guide, well, someone taking money and telling a bit about the fortress...

There is glass in the what was empty windows!  Glass is okay, I mean it stops people falling out! But come on! At least clean the glass please!  All the windows could be opened and cleaned inside safely, just a small lock on the inside on each one, so would be quick and easy to do each day... not open every day, so we were lucky to go the day we did!  There is also a balcony, which would have at least enabled good dust free photos... but it was also locked!

There was a celler that had been cleaned up and had information on the walls, as did the next floor, where we entered, and the floor above, and one above that! Lots of pictures on the walls of medieval men and maps etc... Trouble was it was just commercialised to me now... But as I say, my friend loved it!

Tomorrow I am off to the states, to stay with my aunt in Queens, NY... Can't wait, and Franco was with me last time we went, three years almost exactly, the day I return, is the date that we arrived last time, also with Barry, and we scattered my moms ashes...

I'm all packed, ready to go!  I decided this evening to defrost and leave empty the freezer, maybe not a great move so late in the day, could have done yesterday, or the day before!!! Would have been better and not so rushed as I slipped about on the marble tile with my rubber flip-flops! Still the doorway stopped me from falling a couple of times, and I can do the splits now!

Last night the feria started here in town, friends asked me to pop down to see the festivities, although they came long after I had got home!  And as I sat there at Bar Cruz I remembered last opening evening, Franco and I sitting at a bar opposite with friends, eating and having a coffee... and Franco wasn't well... and on the Saturday, we met with friends again and walked about a bit, but Franco was very tired... and now I am sad and going to shut this lap top up...

I'll be posting photos and bits from NY next time amigos... thank you all for hanging on in here with me, sometimes I don't feel like I am going to make it on my own, but then I remember I'm not alone...

Went to clinico this morning, second time this week, third time to do my yearly health cover forms, no-one knew what to do, again! Next year I'll wait till I see the woman I know can do them! And it's really only another nine or ten times maybe... still done now until next January.

Yesterday I went down to Fuengirola again, quiet when the shops are closed, mostly closed... but it was nice wandering around and I had a coffee in Luizs' bar, of course.

And tomorrow I'm going down to Calahonda to meet with our old neighbour again for a coffee, I'll pop into Aldi on the way home maybe! Such choice, such exciting prospect!

Today when I came home from town, a TV crew were outside our house, again, was only about a year ago when 'Living in the sun, winter sun' were in a couple of houses down from ours, and a couple of months at the most it was on TV a friend of mine messaged me to tell me, which was lucky or we'd have missed​ it! They were in the house for ages, the possible new owner said the second bedroom was too small, and 'they' suggested building up and making the rooftop into a terrace and with an extra bedroom!! Hey!! NO!! We only get the sun in the summer as it is! Block it out all year and I'll be real angry and blocking the idea!!

Movie, City of Angels, just sitting down to watch this, the angel says to another angel that he asked a little girl he accompanied through to the next... Life? Phase? anyway, he asked her her favourite thing? She said PJs... Mine will be touch... Touch of hands, of a hug, of the body you love in bed next to you... The touch of wind on your face, of cool rain on your skin... Of your pets fur as you pet and snuggle him or her...

I think maybe this isn't the best movie to be watching, I know, I hear you! But I've walked Pip twice, walked to clinico then town...

I've eaten, washed up, cleaned... Nothing is left, I'm not sleeping well now either, things niggling in my mind like... they do.

I've decided I'm either bad or worse now, so bad days are better than the worse ones.

Lost Road .

To be blatantly honest, I don't know what to write, only that I must write.

I must say something for my friends who are sharing my journey...

And this is ultimately also my feeling on waking this morning... Just replace the word 'write' for 'do' maybe.

I eat, I walk to town & meet with friends, I go for walks, I clean the house, and me!... I watch Netflix the rest of the day. Why? What for?

I just feel, something, or rather nothing but sad.

And our poor Pippa is still suffering from the dam rocket fire, throughout this week, Monday May day, then it's also been Dia de la Cruz, although not so much a day, the whole week, I thought Wednesdays explosion of fireworks next to our perimeter fence was the final! But yesterday the rockets started again, then the bands and the marching and more intermittent rocket fire. I shut us in the back bedroom and turned up the music; I think they may have come past our house, didn't get the light if they did.

I was not aware of any celebration in town, must have missed the flyer!

Pippa has only gone for two walks in last six days, we've left the house and she has turned to the left then to the right, then back to our door, and only by me picking her up has she even gone on the terrace, I am having to shut her out, which has been awful for both of us, but if I don't she doesn't pee etc! A dog 'going' once in 24hrs is not healthy.

This morning on the terrace, while Pippa stood cowering by the back door, I watched the swallows, one group were flying in a distinct pattern, between the street, an ally and someones' back terrace which was very narrow, they had been doing the same acrobatic route a dozen times, when one bird missed the narrow terrace, to avoid the wall and then turned to look for his group and rejoin... I waited, but the whole group had dispersed!

One bird had effected the whole group, and he hadn't been upfront, he was way way back, and seemingly minding his own business!

I drove to Fuengirola on Thursday, walked and had a coffee, and cried while I walked.

Today, this morning, I'll drive to La Trocha and go to the car boot sale there.  Franco and I didn't go every week, always the same stuff.

Tomorrow I have to go to local SS in Coín to take some paperwork in, then the doctors here in Alhaurín to change yet more paperwork.

Just seems my word of the day is 'why' why bother, what for? Although I don't feel ready for work, maybe once I am back and supporting someone else I will get some reasons back for my 'why' what for?'