Some photographs was our walk a couple of days ago.. 

Summer is here in Blighty, 22° at the moment.. Wednesday March 31st..

Quackers!

My mind is flitting today between the here and now, and another moment I'm sat on my day night bed chair in Málaga hospital...

I literally cannot keep my mind from time travelling backwards and forwards.. 

I'm getting a tension headache and my eyes are hurting.. well, my right one, wondering half the time if my new glasses are actually doing anything..

And outwardly.. the world turns..

People are allowed to meet outside and they've gone crazy too many people meeting in too many wide open places.. 

If they're not careful this country will lock down again.. 

Would be okay if the teens to 30's were vaccinated..

Okay I'm done, can't type or see screen easily now.

TTFN

Marian

 

I shouldn't, I need to? I have to? Sooner or never? Not look back.. December 2017 

Its good to remember good times, thoughts and feelings... Brings more of the same.

But I am still prone to going back in my head, and pick at my broken pieces...

Does that mean that I bring more sadness? I do believe we get what we think about, how can we ever move forward with happier times if always focussing on the sad...

I don't of course now, by no means always, and this month as aforementioned, always brings me down.

I'm trying to imagine good things, then my throat constricts and my stomach turns and the memories flood me and I start to drown.

I feel no further ahead than I ever have been.

TTFN

Marian

I have left my last placement, journey to family yesterday afternoon would have been much longer if Barry hadn't met me half-way, thereby saving me two trains and a tram! And even my last train I jumped 'ship' at Coventry, my tickets wouldn't open the barrier.. Like they knew!

Four weeks is a long time, and now I can relax, and sleep without keeping one ear open!

I also haven't read a single word of a book for four weeks, so I've begun a good one today..

Reading Diane Setterfield's The Thirteenth Tale 

These are two paragraphs..

People disappear when they die. Their voice, their laughter, the warmth of their breath. Their flesh. Eventually their bones. All living memory of them ceases. This is both dreadful and natural. Yet for some there is an exception to this annihilation. For in the books they write they continue to exist.

°°°

Do they sense it, these dead writers, when their books are read? Does a pinprick of light appear in their darkness? Is their soul stirred by the feather touch of another mind reading theirs? I do hope so. For it must be very lonely being dead.

No way thinking myself better than the indi author that I am, but I like this thought; and this year now sold six books about my stepdad, so I am very happy with that!

TTFN

Marian

Here in this placement, it's difficult, I can't tell you anything obviously.. data protection.

But, I want to say how we learn from others, everyone has such an interesting story to tell.. 

We all effect eachother in different ways, she said something, which I can't say, but made me think of things I said to my mom.. how I wish I could take back some of the not so nice things, or things misunderstood..or how I spoke to her.. I explained to this to this lady, how had I said it, I wouldn't have meant it badly, or with any malice.. just the way we say things can sound harsh sometimes.

That daughters may say things to their moms, without thinking about how they might sound.. 

Some things are always remembered, and we need to remember to say the right thing in the right way.. or say nothing at all.

And of course, not just to mom's.. to eachother, all of us.

Today linking this Lee Dewyze, Horizon track. from the movie Dare to Dream, love the movie and love this song.. Just because..

I have been, and am so exhausted, but last night I slept so much better than the night before.. I don't exactly feel rested, but at least it was better.

Seemed to hear footsteps when no one outside the previous night; and then the other day during my break I thought someone had come in, a friend of hers, and expected.. I sensed someone, felt them move from the entrance to the living room. Heard no words, no one said hello, thought lady asleep, person just waiting.. 

Then, ten minutes later heard friend arrive, call 'hello' and get an answer.. 

I felt a chill through my bones!! 

So weird, and doesn't help when trying to rest, or sleep.

TTFN

Marian

I want, I hope, that this ten days of the year won't haunt me always, not keep reminding myself of the sad.  I want to remember the good; the past good and the present good.

Move my focus.

I don't want to forget, but I do want to un-focus.. To not let grief take me.

I read my blog from this time; not a good thing to do.. and I know I shouldn't.. I need to not remember pain.

TTFN

Marian

There is no such time as time, there is daylight there is darkness.

We do what we do when we have to, to work to others demands.. because of this we feel time is slipping through our hands.. but it isn't.. it was never there until man said it was so..

Wrote a little of this on Twitter earlier, and now expanded.. because I do.. 

'Most people believe their own thoughts as though they were facts, which explains why life is stressful and challenging for so many.' Rhonda Byrne - The Greatest Secret.

So true..

Near my home.. a kiss from the morning sky..

We think therefore we are, maybe we should do less thinking and more seeing, and feeling..

Open up to the here and now, because, let's be honest now is what we have.

Live today, notice what's around us, really listen to the people we speak with, really see this amazing world we have had the chance to occupy, however long the time.

TTFN

Marian

Well here I am, under two weeks left here.. 

Mother's Day tomorrow here in England, not Spain or the states.. 

Just popped my head out for some cold air.. it's a beautiful evening, dark skies with stars glinting brightly..

My little poem I so often say from my terrace..

Star light 

Star bright 

First star I see tonight

Wish I may, wish I might 

Get the wish I wish tonight..

Trouble typing, tired and eyes sore, be glad to get my new glasses a week tomorrow..

I feel I should have lots to say, I usually do!

But long days and unsettled sleep.. it's funny nothing actually keeping me awake, but for some reason sleep isn't easy here at all.

Maybe the Feng Shui is all wrong.. 

Actually I know very little really about the Feng Shui practices.. but maybe it is something to do with the direction.. 

I'm facing North is all I do know.. 

Random picture of me taken in the states.. probably seems very familiar! Even talking about the dress!

Okay should I delete?

TTFN

Marian

Caught on camera the other day.. a wood pigeon minding his own business.. was sitting on the wire.. until the squirrel came along...

And here.. squirrel head down tail straight.. perfect aerodynamics.. but, too late.. bird had flown..

Okay, what's been happening.. I tried I think unsuccessfully to register at a local surgery near my quarentine residence.. 

Have been here nearly two weeks and third surgery later, registered, but still not showing on the system to get my vaccine.

I am enigma it seems... Called 119 till I'm exhausted, online link is worn out.. even complained on the very busy, NHS phone line.

I'll keep you posted, but will be surprised if I get it here now.

Also, on another downside, need another pair of glasses.  Booked appointment with Specsavers.. usually use them, at least my records show up at all the places I've been with them.

Seems to chronic eye infection I had last June, did more harm than I realized, my left eye prescription hasn't changed for at least four years.

My right eye been the same up until April last year.. when I had a checkup.

Now it's not.. completely not.

The eye clinician said at the UHC (Coventry), that I could have lost my sight if I'd not contacted them when I did..

And it was only being told to get it checked professionally that I did.. third eye infection in so many months.. I just left it.

Now it's very blurry.. So looking forward to my new glasses, but wondering if I should get it checked thoroughly when I'm home. If I can.

Enough already, I have enough to concern me.

TTFN

Marian

It will be the whole day.. thinking of my mom's last day.. unfortunately I'll be here in the doldrums until this evening.. 

"It's like being caught in a rat run, every year. Reliving the events on the timescale of then.. it's so imprinted in my head.." today being eleven years since my mom died. And now, right now, this next hour the worse of times, or so I thought. Can someone do it twice, risk it twice, to lose someone is to die a little, and then we die ourselves.. we die twice.. or more.

I wrote some of these words this morning to my vecina back home, and decided I need to get writing.. it's been far far too long.. 

And I had my bloggers t-shirt on that day, with mom, and I haven't been able to blog since I got here.. it is about time.. 

I left home, and came to England, landing at Heathrow.. after not using Heathrow for years that's the second time in two months now.

The whole journey was fraught.. what with added security, masks, distancing, entry changes with extra paperwork.. preflight covid-19 test, quarantine when here.. Covid test again.

I had a good relaxing two weeks before starting work.. had the company of a wonderful little dog.. such a beautiful nature.. took till the last night though for her to decide to spend it in with me.. so lovely having a fur-baby close at night.. 

And now here.. Oxfordshire, pretty town, rivers all around.. weather over the past week has been sun and shade.. like our lives..

The days are going past really well, which is good, lady and I get on well.. long and busy days.

Three weeks to go.. 

Feel there should be more to write.

But this is it today.

Photographs taken on my break at a nearby river.

TTFN

Marian