Swansea - Steps to the beach from The Grape & Olive

Dentist confusion, after two attempts into the dentist, I actually get in on the day I am supposed to go for my appointment! So three trips, one appointment and to be honest my third and final entrance into the dentist was the worse, I almost decided to go back out again!

But, I didn't and of course, I survived!  I came home wobbly, and tired, and my face hurt... I went to bed too early and then had an extra time in bed... all giving me back ache, neck ache and a headache! It also looked like I should have expected CSI on the scene any minute, or at the very least a warning tape around the bed!  This because of the amount of blood on my pillow when I looked back down!

My jaw hurts still, and I have a mouthful of stitches looking like they are holding a bunch of my upper front teeth in place... maybe they are!  Well, I guess they are if they fell out, the stitches I mean!

It feels like I have something caught in my teeth and my tongue keeps on investigating the threads then remembering and leaving well alone!

Yesterday I drank a couple of Franco's bottles of high calorie drinks with lots of added milk to each one, for breakfast I put my porridge, fruit and milk into the juicer and once completely thinned out I popped into the microwave to warm, then added cold milk to cool!

The doctor told me cold only for a few days to drink or eat... No heavy lifting or carrying! Also to eat a yogurt or two a day, probably to combat the damn antibiotics I have to take for another seven days!  I did have a yogurt yesterday afternoon, the only thing I ate yesterday after the dentist... a bit off putting seeing the bloodied spoon after each mouthful! LOL... Great eh!!

I have had two yogurts for lunch! and a repeat of my breakfast again just now, with a handful of almonds... you know... to make it a little more substantial!!

Tomorrow I am going with friends down to the coast and the best fish and chip shop there!  I am going to eat the fish carefully... and share the chips!!

And to close, on my teeth that is, I think I still have another two visits to complete this treatment, and it wasn't as bad as I imagined, of course... I was scared, the doctor put me at ease, after the numbing injections I could feel pressure occasionally, pain? the tiniest and for only a moment, once or twice... and although my fear of the dentist has not gone.. and I will not be turning up two days early again, I can say I am not as scared as I was.

I went to La Trocha this morning with a friend, had a good wander about, I managed to find a couple of things to buy and I managed to walk away!

Today is a lovely day, cooler to start, nice to walk the Pipster, just walked her again, about 4pm... Its been a lovely weather day... Last day of August...

... Which leads me to twenty years ago and today we lost Princess Diana, I cannot believe it was 20 years ago, the memory like yesterday... waking up to a normal Sunday morning... then hearing the news... thinking it wasn't what we were all hearing... Going out for lunch with family... who somehow had completely missed the news that morning...

Monday mom Tony and I got the train to London, bought flowers and took them to Kensington Palace to lay in honour of Diana...

Also then my step-dad died twenty years ago... he had only passed away a couple of weeks before.

Well, I am going to make myself a coffee.... cold!



I nearly got to send this without... I nearly didn't say... but you know me, if the thought is in my head it needs to come out...

The other day I was dusting, and as I dusted one of the many photograpsh I have of Franco here on the wall... I was up close to reach up to him... and I told him... Yours isn't a face I thought I would only ever be dusting...

Okay okay alright already! Sorry...

I'm here, of course, didn't feel like Blogging while on this eleven days placement... A challenging one forsure, palliative care is not easy... Either way... I have been humbled to share these days with such a lovely lady, her natural fiestyness shining through on occasion, a bright spirit, a strong woman, wish I had know her long before.  She is surrounded by very good friends who really are more like family... And again I have been privileged to be part of this ladies circle of love and care...

I was supposed to leave today, 2pm... But I sit in Bristol airport departure area, having just consumed this great porridge below...

When asked 'what topping?' fresh bananas were not what I thought would be in the cup on opening! Really enjoyed it!

So what happened? On my break and the incoming support carer arrived 24hrs early! Confusion reigned, I contacted the office... It was decided someone had to go, no spare bed... and seemed silly for her to go and come back, so I left 5pm!

We did a handover, everyone called and introduced... I packed up my meagre belongings, and a neighbor very kindly took me into Bristol and the hotel I had managed to book.

Managed being the key word here! At about 3pm I started trying to book a room! The one I had said to myself the other week when I knew I was coming past it... was luckily full... Because that's the one in January I stayed in and I don't think I could have coped with that.

But then the few nearest were also booked full! Bank holiday weekend here in Blighty, weather promising... And it is a beautiful day today!

So I booked into the Arnos Manor, really beautiful place, built back in the 1700's... A great deal of 'unexpected' history!

Including my kettle switching itself on!!! Okay a glitch maybe... but spooky all the same!

When I finish my coffee I need to park myself somewhere comfortable, I don't board until about 5pm!!!

Yes, I could have wondered around Bristol with my bags couldn't I?. But I'm just wanting to get home now...

24hrs time I'll be have surgery on my mouth! G. R. E. A. T.

To be honest I really didn't want to leave the lady at this stage... and if not for the surgery I wouldn't have done.

I have another placement coming up, just for eleven days, I'll be flying into Cardiff and flying out of Bristol... this morning booked flights, Pipster in her doggie hotel and the car in the car park!!

I've taken all the remaining food supplements of Francos to a church community office, they can give them to people who will use them, we have wasted enough and thrown away so many... So I glad they will be helping.

We have a festival somewhere in town this last few days, until the 15th the posters say... and rocket fire last night, first elsewhere, then a few from nearby... Pippa ran for the hills AKA the toilet, and all the other dogs started barking and whining!

I went out, unexpectedly the other evening with two friends... was a lovely evening, great company, great food... Talked about lots, all positive speaking, although I did say there was one thing I didn't want to do again... which is actually now linked slightly with the placement I am going on, so I am reminded once again, do not talk about what you do not want!! Only talk about what you do!  Because it was less than twelve hours later that the very thing I didn't want came to me!!

See how positive I am today, I'm reading The Secret... I know its 'just a book' but it helped me before, its either helping me again or its just a coincidence!

I am trying to focus on better memories about Franco now, good things, positive things, our happy times... I didn't think I would, I didn't think I could... I am still asking him "why???" every day, still feeling him with me, by my side each day, as he told me he would be... last night when I remembered the hoover had made the electric trip I thought to myself 'I must remember to tell Franco!'... and today I saw for the first time ever our wedding video/CD, the very first time... and it made me so sad and happy at the same time, I smiled at 'us' I laughed a couple of times and I cried my heart out like I am again now as I type... I am so thankful to the persons who have done this for me... I wish we had seen it together...

So now, time to watch a happy film! I'm still working on friends book... I've printed out my travel docs, and tomorrow must buy a few bits and bobs because then its Sunday and not open! And Monday the skylight is being fitted!!! Yeah! Before and after shots will be here soon! and Tuesday I will be too busy with too many things for friend next door... my feet won't touch the ground!

Friday already, left my placement a week ago but oddly feels like months ago!

Yesterday I went to the dentist!! I know I'm not the best at visiting the dentist... but I have had to go, because of something going on in my mouth!  Turns out its another inherited problem... what next? Already have the heart problems, the joint problems, now the type of gum disease which is inherited only... my mom didn't have it, but doesn't mean I can lay this one at the feet of my father... could have been grand or great grandparents, apparently!

Apart from five implants, titanium so the body doesn't reject, I am having something put around the roots of my teeth, to help regenerate the gum material, what I have seen on the internet it looks amazing, I'm even keeping teeth I really though stood no hope... its called Emdogain...

It'll be pain free..... hahahahahahahahaha!! OMG what the hell am I going to do about the pain!!! When have I ever come home from the dentist without spending two days in bed from a migraine??? Well, maybe not anymore??? Its going to take six months at their time scale, but as I can't just reach into a bottomless pit for money, its going to take me a little longer!!

And every single I time I go, even for the first clean on Monday, deeeeeeeep clean.... apparently all my teeth will feel loose after this cleaning session!!!! OM...G!!! I have to take antibiotics an hour before, and for the next seven days to prevent me dying!!  Because of my heart problems any of the crapola in my teeth can kill me... By the by, this is why keeping teeth healthy will help prevent heart attacks for people with dodgy hearts like mine!

It took some strength for me to even get into there yesterday, and will be same on Monday, strangely though if felt a little surreal... so maybe Monday will feel the same... not sure when I'll be able to eat again after the clean, but I have loads of Francos drinks still in the house, so I won't go undernourished..

On the list is scraping!! Sorry, I know this word is not a good word in relation to teeth, or blackboards... or chair feet... etc etc... but there are a few of this 'scraping' thing on the list, then the filling.... then the implants!!

After I left the dentist I popped into my friends shop nearby, I'd been in on the way and in shock returned with the news!  While I was in there a woman came in who I used to work with, years ago here in Alhaurín, it was nearly a year after my moms passing, and still trying to come to terms with losing my mom... and that morning had awoken with a strange feeling of a slight shift in how I felt, that tiny bit of light... I was working in the shop and this lady, (from yesterday) although not on shift, popped into the store, we spoke and she popped home and came back with this book... The Secret by Rhonda Byrne... So, yesterday I told my friend about what had happened back on that day, and how it was strange I had felt better that morning then the lady had gone and got me the book to read and how it really had helped me, when I really needed that help... and my friend went out the back, and came back to me, holding out another copy of The Secret.... well, time to read it again eh!  Must mean something...

Like today, another strange happening, well I think so!  I had an appointment at the doctors!! To check a mole which seems to have arrived from nowhere and is itchy!!! So I booked the appointment on Wednesday evening on my phone and today the appointment!  At some point this morning I decided I wouldn't go, that I didn't need to, that I am worrying about nothing!  So at the last minute I walked into town instead, friend said to me about doctors, I said I wasn't bothering.... lol... not a great thing to say, so needless to say I had turn tail and head up to the clinico!!! And head up is the only way to get there from town, almost straight up! Could do with a button-lift at the bottom to assist, not sure how I made it up, couldn't breathe when I got there!! Still, good place to be if you can't breathe!  A&E and all of that!

I arrived exactly at 11:40, my time, there were a few others there already, only the doctor was missing! Today her schedule was 11:30 to 12:30, but she was a no-show, for whatever reason... more and more people came though, and none of us left... We just sat there in the air-conditioned waiting area... eventually a man came and put a notice up saying we all had to go downstairs and wait at another door! So we did, sitting in exactly the same seats as before!! Lol... and then I went in, third in line, 12:15 and came out 12:17! Nothing wrong with my mole, I apologies for wasting her time, she said no! Better to ask a professional than not ask at all!!

Oh the strange happening? Haven't got to that bit yet!! I was going home from the clinico, which I wouldn't have done had I gone directly!  I was passing a bar and saw a girl that looked like a friend from six years ago... one who had moved to the states... as I drew along side, she spoke to me! It was her!! Unbelievable, shes just here for a couple of weeks... so good to see her, albeit for a short moment... I got really emotional when I walked away...

So many people come into our lives, and go again....

Anyways!! Enough already!!

Yesterday I started working on a book for a friend, the lady from just over a year ago I met on a bus, which should have been a train... the train from Builth Wells to Shrewsbury that never was.... Wales playing rugby or football or something!  I so should have got my money back for that whole journey!! Just didn't think about it... too late now...

Anyway, she sent me the remainder of the book before I left to go back to work the other week, so yesterday I got the rest typed up, I have to go into it now and rearrange, edit, and get it publish ready, good to have a book to work on.

And yesterday, I got a call from work, I have 24 modules to get through, 100% pass only, I have done 11 of those, yesterday afternoon!

It was 113F on the terrace an hour ago.... in the shade... thats 45C.... hot hot hot!!

Was ending there, in fact I hit the publish tab...

I just wanted to add... on my way home from Fuengirola Wednesday, I seemed to go from bad day to worse day... Cher came on the radio... Believe.... Do you believe in life after love?

I am like one of those pennies thrown in the air "Heads!" "Tails!"

Spinning around and around, over and over, all the time headed for the inevitable ground to hit on!

... and while I'm spinning? What shall I do? Where shall I go? How do I move forward, because I know I can't stay in this... in this mind set...

I had photographs of Franco on my solitaire game I play before going to sleep, the game puts me to sleep it's so boring I guess! I had Franco as the back drop and on the cards... I know it wasn't healthy... Barry suggested I change the photos to more positive ones... So I have. I'm not thinking any less of Franco just not the last image I see as I close my eyes...

I'm Blogging from Fuengirola just now, sat having coffee in Las Rampas... I am almost opposite where mom and I lived for six months too...

What the hell!! It's all I can say... Collected car then Pippa, we came in the house, electricity had gone off! Again!!! Only thing on, literally had been the freezer, stacked full, I'd even emptied into it all the frozen stuff from the fridge/freezer... House stinks, you don't even want to imagine the disgusting mess around under and in the freezer... I've had to clean it all out, bin everything, obviously...

Below in different font, (and to be quite honest I really can't be bothered to change it), is what I wrote on the flight home...

Waiting for boarding gate number was like waiting for paint to dry... then boarding was slow, more priority than us `others` now we're still boarding and I'm sitting, the back of my chair is being kicked by a child behind me! I am close to boil over point!

Plane is full of kids... every line, nearly almost... so two behind and two in front!! Three on other side of size... One child, further back screamed all the way over...

I had coffee and a sausage and tomato chutney muffin and a latte, refuel before the flight... maybe a cold drink now on board, another coffee might not be good idea! (I had coffee!).

I had a lovely couple of days with Baz and family... gone far too quickly as always... and it was tram and end of the line for me today... I arrived at the coach stop at 13:19 exactly, a minute early for the coach... which evidently had already been and gone! So I had to wait until ten to two...

I didn't want to be there, at the coach stop, it's where Franco and I always talked on the phone, "on my way home nearly..." happiness all round... it's not just a simple memory there it's more like a ghost, like an indented real-time thing, I really felt standing there, if I just dialled... Franco would answer...

Lol I have to add from nearby children "we're flying!" "We've taken off"... "I can see the airport, we're so high, we're too high..." "this is crazy..." " we're above the clouds" "we're in the north pole"

And as we came in one child shouted much to parents embarrassment "we coming down, we're landing in the sea!!"

Just some words from my fellow passengers on their first flights... and suddenly I don't feel so cross anymore...

Oh hang on, there's some screaming up at the back and other places, not everyone's first flight is as they hoped!

And now not long to landing... I still feel Franco will be there in Málaga to meet me, sat outside on the nearest available concrete seat at arrivals...

when will I not feel this is so...

Sorry friends, landed back in UK! International jet setter extraordaire!

That was Friday, I knew my destination, but the flight was forty minutes late taking off, which meant all train travel and connections on my list were obsolete! Luckily the tickets were 'any time' off peak!

I of course panicking about a different placement, location, train station! But there was a great monorail shuttle which took me direct to a very crowded train, cosy, snuggled up to everyone!!! Ugh! which took me to Birmingham New Street station, and on enquiring how to get out of there and travel on foot for a twenty minutes walk above ground... a wonderful lady told me to go to Manor station! Only a few minutes walk, job done!

It was then another train, less crowded, a short taxi and I'm here!

All good!

... until Friday.

Travelling Road

My birthday in Cambridge with Tony; I had never been to Cambridge before... I suppose with having lived so near to Oxford for so long, Oxford is where we always went!

River boat tours, punters punting...

Lots of tourists... of course!

The weather was lovely, which is good, and a new memory... reminding me of other memories...

So I have notes to transfer onto here, went out this morning without my phone!  Yes, unbelievable, I never leave my phone, or phones behind and once I knew I had forgotten them, I felt like I had left my arm behind in the house!!

Last evening I came home from Malaga airport to our home, and was nice to walk into the house with people here, and they're here till I go to work again, nearly... But Pippa is not here, she is still in the doggie hotel, it wouldn't have been fair to bring her home today and take her back tomorrow... I miss her...

This morning I left early to go to Aldi, got there at 9am, and now, well then, having coffee at La Trocha while I wait for the shops to open at 10am...

Just now driving I asked Franco out loud "where are you?" my make believe games hurt, but for the shortest of moments I can almost believe, I though him just now, still in hospital - not good for him, I know! But for me - hope, and any amount of hope keeps me... keeps me? I don't know where it keeps me. Oh yeah!  In denial.

Plans today! I changed my plan and just didn't care, so here, not on the coast, struggling to park and time wasted driving, have to get a few things for work on Friday - Feeling worried, nervous, scared even... But its one week only!

Had a good week at Tonys, Sunday we went out for a long drive, ending at a garden centre and then home; Saturday we went to Milton Keynes which was great... always love going there, I suppose because its a rarity now for me...

Every day bar one I went on Tonys VR... Who knew! I'm a gamer! Only I was waiting for VR!  No motion sickness at all.  Franco would have been very proud of me killing all the zombies, shooting them in the head with quite good accuracy!  I have put them on my YouTube... hang on will get a link...

That takes you too my Channel I think...

I am hooked! I am hoping they still have the Oculus Rift store in Plaza Mayor.... I'll be there every week for hours!!

Today, this morning on my way out, the air smelled so good, warm and fragrant - a day to drive and travel... Franco and I would have gone far today.

Notes finished, I am surprises I could read my handwriting, so very old Skool!!

Perfect cosy spot! 

17.07.17

Been staying with Tony and Kate since Tuesday last week... Been a good week, just being here...

Time in my head alone is limited when I'm not alone... of course lots of time it's still just my thoughts, my sadness, just me without Franco.

Franco had some beautiful words on his memorial Facebook page on the 12th, he was loved, and is missed...

Today we had planned a big thing, a special date for my birthday, 17.07.17... palindrome... we were going away somewhere special; as always special, but we'd thought of somewhere in Italy...

Tony and I are going to do something, I should be responsible for myself now, instead I've shifted the responsibility onto my son... sorry honey...

I'm barely here, a thin wisp of myself
I survive each day and don't know why.
Who am I now?
Why did Franco have to die.

It would have been Francos 60th birthday today...

I still don't understand, still can't comprehend... still cannot except the reality of him dying...

I just listened to him tell me he loves me on a message he gave me...

...and I feel such a loss my heart bleeds tears;


I'm not at home, I wouldn't have survived this week at home, but I am missing our Pipster, I feel guilty leaving her in the doggie hotel, she shouldn't be there, she should be at home with us...

I'm at Tony and Kates in England, wishing I could turn back time, and change something, do something, anything that could have helped or stopped what happened to Franco.

I'm just so sad. Franco made me happy, all the time, he was my happiness, he made me smile every day, told me everything would be okay... Until he told me last November that it wouldn't be.

He told me to sit down, told me what he had been told, and that I had to be strong...

The impossible road...

Tomorrow is Francos birthday, not in a good place in my head, yesterday or today so far...

And as I approach another 'first'... I have to say I have 'firsts' every day... The first breathe I take each day as I realise Franco is not next to me...

Each day I go out and Franco is not next to me, or at home when I return... When I find he is not upstairs, or on the terrace, or going to call or message...

My firsts without Franco are with me everywhere every day...

And this is the truth of the truth, the heart of my heart... my reality... my thought as I sit here right now...

*Franco I know your coming around the corner, you've parked the car, your almost to the door, you'll soon be home, thank God, I was so scared, I can't live without you, I don't know how.*

I know I can't go on like this, I know 'things' will change... it will have to. It has to.

I know this is normal, but knowing these feelings are normal doesn't help... it's just all wrong.

Random Roads...

Sorry photograph is a little blurred! Wasn't sure if the bug was alive and didn't want to startle him! I think he was a horned dung beetle! Guess that horn is for pushing the worlds largest dung-roll ahead of him!

And from largest - to smallest! The worlds smallest cupcake! How cute! Out with friend last evening for a good walkabout town... Ended outside a bar and for me café con leche and it came with this cute little cupcake!

And lastly... Me!!! Oh if only I knew at the time as we stood there at Europa Point! What the hell was my hair doing!! I think life-of-its-own comes to mind.

It was clipped back by the way, I didn't walk around Gib. looking like this... did I?

Tears are words our hearts cannot speak...

Gibraltar

Had another lovely visit to Gibraltor with friends yesterday, Tuesday... Franco and I had stopped going so much, we only saw the things we had got fed up with seeing, therefore, and very sadly, we had stopped seeing Gibraltor!

So often we stop seeing the very places we see every day don't we... maybe the people too sometimes, which is even sadder.

Above a view at Europa point... a point in question, we had never been to before, until I came last week with the same friends...

Last week the rock was so bright and white on approach it looked to be covered in snow, the way the sun caught the chalk face... Yesterday it was cloudy on approach, from way back, we left the sun and clear blue skies, and drove towards the cloud looming over Gibraltar...

It cleared as we walked around the streets and had coffee...

A very cool building right near the end of the high street, further than I had every walked before, Franco and I only having ever gone as far as a menswear shop, where I bought Franco a really lovely Italian sweater, with a red strip running across, very unusual, until Franco went to visit Wales and was met by his bessy mate who was wearing one just like it!!

The Trafalgar Cemetery, I'd never seen before either! Very well kept and worth a good long walk around...

Above our friends the turtles at Casa Flores in Alhaurín El Grande, they were all sunbathing, heads up, feet off the ground!! check out those baby ones on the left, zoom in! They are so cute!!

Life's a 'beach' 1.7.17

So today here I am on the beach! Yeh! Ha... Those that know me, know I'm not a beach babe... I'm here for Franco, he loved the beaches here, he liked it here in La Cala, quieter than Fuengirola...

Today is three months to the date and day, 1st of July... Our birthday month...

I am worse today than I was Saturday 1st April, in many many ways... Realisation, loss, emptiness, confusion... To name but a few of the many emotions which tear me up each day and night.

So here I sit on a bed on the beach under a parasol, with tears streaming down my face and sniffing like a.... sniffy thing.  Why? Because I know Franco would have wanted us to be here...

Crispy Cod Fuengirola

With good friends down in Fuengirola today, lunch at the Crispy Cod on Fuengirolas paseo maritimo... We were a little early so drove all the way along the coastal road as far as the windmill roundabout in Benalmadina... Nice drive people watching, although already with so many tourists... No, who am I kidding! I don't think there is much difference in the people!

The journey is an obstacle race! An eyes peeled at all times, people of all ages, on all manner of sets of wheels, randomly criss-crossing, leaving path to road or road to path, with no notion of others place, or reactions, fearless? Lol or something else?

The best today was a woman who cycled onto the road without pausing in front of us, she then didn't stop for pedestrians on crossings, or consider any other vehicle or person at all, she spent a few hundred yards with one hand stuck in her hair... Yes, too much information on one person, but we couldn't get past her and spent some time just so astonished at her complete lack of care!!!

So three photographs from Crispy Cod!
And the one above from our living room... That mountain at the back has been intriguing us for twelve years! Aim: get to it, and look back here! Lol Like we like to do from Casarabonela!

I was going to leave myself out of this as much as I can.. Ha! No chance! I'm doing some very odd things, I'm so emotional...

I really hope going back to work will help me, as I help others I will at least forget me...

I really don't know who I am now, anymore; I knew who I was with Franco... I knew who I was before Franco, but I don't remember her, I guess we evolve slowly throughout our lives... and now? Who am I now?

Empty...

Went to the coast on Friday to see friends we haven't seen since.. before.  I'm going to Gib. with them this coming week.

Yesterday was a noisy day with the purple churches celebrations, today is the last day. First rockets went off at 8am, and I finally managed to switch of flood light at 1am... Blah!!! Poor Pip in bathroom all day, didn't go to toilet after the morning walk, which we had to pause and hug throughout with the rockets!! And she was sick in the night... Today Pip wouldn't go out this morning... Thunder was forcast and it just started, followed by a few drops of rain, it's already stopped! The lovely smell of warm rain in the air.

Pictures from horse charity do last weekend, with friend I used to work with, brilliant afternoon, people and entertainment.

Stars that have already burnt out in our skies, they still shine brightly, their memory is still there for all to see... They glow as bright as ever...

Horses!

Photographic post I must keep it light!

So! Prawn cocktail! Light on the prawns! Two of them! Lovely weekend visit from friend, in Mijas Pueblo, three course meal €7 and light on each plate! But enough for lunch... the company was the important part...

Keeping it light on the drinks too! Very hot day, Fuengirola in the morning and Mijas on way home.

How many photographs of the gardens have I taken over nearly thirty years! It's difficult to find a new angle!

Same goes for the chapel near the bar!

Horses the night before outside Bar Cruz!

More horses tomorrow if I post, very horsey weekend!

Somebody told me today how well I look... Wasn't sure how to answer​ and thought​ better to say nothing...

My grief isn't on my body, down my arms or legs, it isn't written on my face in general conversation... Sat with sun glasses​ on I am surprised the person had any clue as to my thoughts or state of mind, my eyes hidden behind the tinted lenses...read my eyes, they're the window to my dying heart.

I am sure most people who pass me by don't stop in their tracks and think to shout out loud "OMG look at that woman, what the hell!!!"

I write this as I lay in bed, another night where the truth is killing me, where the reality is raw, while I cry and say out loud to Franco to come home... Please. Last night something on TV made me rush to Google a song title, got the wrong one... But listened and cried to it all the same, back to the 1970's... Bobby Goldsboro's

Honey..

...and Honey, I miss you
And I'm bein' good
And I'd love to be with you
If only I could..

I understand Franco even more so now, hating the nights, the quietness, the reality of life, when thoughts and feelings become more intense with the silence... What awful thoughts were going through his mind every night, and why he had to keep the TV on to block them out, I hated my thoughts then too, and still do.

I made a huge meal tonight, thinking I was making it for us... Why bother. I even took photographs to show Franco... 

Pippa hurt herself while I was away, because I was away, if I hadn't of been it wouldn't have happened, and I wouldn't have been if Franco was here... Now my poor Pip has lost a nail and nearly a second one, had to have x-rays, and pain meds, because we weren't here.

Thank god they didn't tell me, I don't know what I would have done, I don't know what I'll do.

While I was away, I was sending a message.... Saying what aunt Rita and I were doing, the last word in the sentence came out wrong and got sent without me touching 'send', then a big thumbs up popped up from me (!!!??) Followed by a 0, Op and please! All sent separately!! I hope that was Franco telling me he is okay...

Wish it would do it again...

Tried to sort out cables behind TV today, I would normally have done it, but not the fixing something to the wall bit of it. Also changed a lightbulb in the bathroom, more of a Franco job, he worried about me falling off the ladder, as well he might, and the bloody vertigo I have again made it that much more fun! I knew I was changing it today, but hung on just late enough that the house was getting gloomy! Like me! Then I changed some other electric cables about, just for fun!

I have to buy a new garden hose too, this one is losing more water from the tap than anywhere else!! 

Went shopping today, first Aldi, got most of our stuff, then thought I would go to Mercadona and just get the rest there and then! So double whammy of supermarket shopping! And that was after walking Pip, and walking to town and back... and Pip and I walked again later this evening! Never a dull moment.

It's late, it's hot and the ceiling fan is talking to me! No I have not 'completely' lost the plot! And you can Google it if you want! In fact let me do it!! Apophenia lol... I must add that to my misaphonia and face-making Greek name on my Twitter!! By the by don't let the title 'hearing loss' stop you from reading the very interesting subject...

I'll post this now while my brain works out what words I'm hearing from the fan until I have to turn it off because as always, it keeps changing its mind!!

Homeward Bound

Three years ago today Franco Barry and I arrived here in New York, we dropped off bags at aunt Ritas then went into the city for a few days, on June 10th we scattered moms ashes near to where she grew up, in the place where she and my dad visited, laughed loved and grew together... I want to go home, but I want to stay, either way I want what can't be... and I feel sick to my stomach as realisation hits me like a punch...

Three years ago, what changes, who could of predicted... no one knows what's ahead, tomorrow is unknown. I could see Franco around aunt Ritas house, (in my mind's eye!), which gave me comfort feeling him near... Now we're going home...

So!! We went out for dinner this early evening before I had to leave... An Italian restaurants, Anthony's on Union Turnpike... Wonderful food! The best company, family... Thank you...

And here I am at JFK, at the gate, it's just gone ten in the evening, we leave at eleven thirty and back into Málaga for nearly one pm! Sounds like a long flight with the six hours jump ahead! Then it'll be car, Pippa and home home home.

Adio America... See you again soon!

I'm so sorry for my awful post last night, night is always the worse of times, no "good-night" no messages (if I'm away), no nothing, nada.  I slept bad a night of horror's, and trying hard to keep it together, tried to skim through fb, it has so many things to remind me...

So photographs eh..  yesterday we went to a German strawberry fest down at Plattdeutsche Park, was a great few hours, there was the strawberries and cake and fresh cream...

There was apple cake too, and coffee..

Probably about 600 people... An enormous raffle, I had planned on winning the Afgan throw, but another lady on our table won it! My intentions went array...