firstly, thank you all... for your kind words, your prayers and thoughts, being away from home and having you all with me, so to speak did help, i have been on a long hard journey and i know its no where over yet, in fact i know the worse bit will never be over as such, and another journey has only just begun for me... and as i am seated back in El Zoco with mucho gente about i better not get into that just now... i am raw....


.... back in Spain now, we're down at maria's apartment on the beach, the road to the coast is still closed for another ten months or so, and the short 2kilometre road that leads to it from our house is now closed for two months, the detour for this is more than the distance to the coast altogether! so we're down here for now... the house when we came home last Sunday was a nightmare... green and black mold mildew on nearly every wall and ceiling, it had started a few months ago with the amount of rain we had been having but with the house completely shut up over the last few weeks it has really taken over. we cleaned up what we could, sprayed the house with anti mold stuff... the bed was wet with it, the leather sofa green, two leather jackets green and a couple of bags and shoes.. revolting... you can see so many of the houses
just the same, at least we don't have the mold on the outside too where its really gotten hold, and some houses have huge cracks running through too! and no doubt after a short while of living back in the house windows open and air coming though it will clear up... bit like all the MSG i have eaten recently and the rash on my face!!!!

we have no home phone here so no Internet, but i will be making a more or less daily trip to local wifi hot spots to read and write...

heard something on tv yesterday, they said the worse thing about grief when someone dies is the lack of communication... so so true, all i want to do is phone mom, all the time, i have so many things i need to tell her... we spoke so often, more than once a day sometimes, just silly things... and some of the thing i have need to tell her are about how i feel about her not being here... i have even thought of ringing her phone number, how dumb is that!

leaving her home, her little castle empty and cleared and full of nothing was so awful, Franco and tony went back to collect the last of moms things, i couldn't go back again, i had said 'goodbye' to it...

i picked up to read the book i was reading the day mom passed away, i wanted to, i want to finish it, but as i began to read it, it was so strange to carry on the words of something while what has happened in between has had such an impact on my life...

a friend, who lost her mom a couple of weeks at the most, before me, said even though i am expecting her to die, the shock will be something i could never imagine... so true...

i thank God i was with her, talking to her, giving her assurances, but i cannot stop reliving the day, the last weeks and couple of months all the time, over and over. did i do everything i could? did i say the right things? is she still here with me? i know you will say yes yes and yes... and i do feel i did, but... but i cannot believe the feeling of loss...

moms service could not have been better.. i think i found the right words to say, moms story in mini graph, the songs, the Alica keys empire state song was playing when Franco and i were at luton airport... mom was given the most amazing beautiful flowers, i wish i had a photo of them now... i was worried the 'mom' flowers from me would be spelt wrong, mom would not have been pleased with that!

someones phone went off in the service... val! but it was a suitable song... mom would have laughed her head off over it! and it was the florist saying no flowers... but they came to me this week, here in Spain, so i have some of mom's flowers here for a while, while they last which was a lovely thought, maybe mom had something to do with that after all eh!

some good friends were helping with taking carpet and underlay to the dump on the Friday morning, we were sitting in the kitchen, the last of the furniture to sit on! and a light kept flashing under a cupboard.. it was mom's torch, it hadn't worked when i had tried it a couple of months before, but now it was flashing on and off! Sunday morning, very early, before leaving for the airport in Tony's kitchen... mom's torch again.. flashing in Tony's kitchen cupboard... well if that wasn't mom i would like to know who it was!!!!

i had booked two cases for me and one for Franco, well it said you could on the Thomson's web site, and when i checked out the booking reference number late the night before it said on the email, two cases, total of 20k... which is the normal weight per case! wish they had mentioned that when we were booking the flight! so i had to suddenly, late, tired, over emotional(?) sort our the cases so i was taking back what i could, so i have a whole case load missing, it would have been about a hundred pounds to take it, so that wasn't happening.

i had been so good in England with avoiding the old MSG, now i look like a victim of plague! i think
two helpings of branston pickle and some jam may not of helped, even the little magdalena cakes... well they do last about a month in the cupboard! so i better make a cake, or just eat chocolate, which i know is good... i think in my suitcase at Tony's is a packet of food allergy tablets... i need them! big time!

Pippa seems to behaving herself better here this year, a year ago we were here too, and pip was barking at everyone and every thing! but she seems better, maybe it was the two weeks in the kennels, or the nearly 3 months it was just her and Franco... she wont tell me how he did with keeping her under control?

we will check on the house every week, and the neighbors are being watchful for us, we went up today, we had forgotten a couple of things we really needed, like Franco's passport! we would lose the car if you don't have that on you when the police pull you over...

i sorted out Telefonica also when we got here, we had been cut off a couple of days before Franco came over, money in the bank, not the problem of course, they took their money in January, and march, as they did over the last couple of years, well more or less after we moved our branch from Fuengirola to Alhaurín two years ago, but February's bill Telefonica thought they would try to get the money from the old Fuengirola account, you see they change the account number etc here(?????) so even though it was their mistake and took marches from the right place they cut us off!

i phoned the day after we got here, but was too emotional(?) i called again the following day, we had to pay the bill cash, i cancelled the Internet for a while, we're not there at the moment so no point paying nearly 30 euros a month for that, and i also asked for a three week refund for the amount of time we were cut off due to their mistake! we will see eh.... i am not holding my breath over that one.

back to the wifi area in el zoco again for Pippa and i now, poor pip, this little machine of mine lasts
for three hours, unlike the hefty thing of Franco's i was carrying around last year which lasted an
hour! sitting there the first day was awful, it was Friday, it was also the first day i had been on
my own all day, since i was here really, when i was in England i was either on my way or coming back from travel to watford to see mom, then with her for an hour, or once in the care home, with mom for 6 or 7 hours every day, then afterwards... i had never been alone... so Friday was hard.. some friends of ours came past which was so lucky, i couldn't believe it, i had just read an email which was not pleasant, was talking to Barry on skype and trying to write a civilised letter in response, needed a friendly face, and along came two! they sat with me for a while, we had a chat, then along came someone who owes Franco a helluva load of money, so that was great, he didn't even acknowledge me, and he had called Franco and i family... how guilt changes people eh...


well, have a caught up with stuff? probably not, but this is it for today, its Sunday and i will be able to get this posted tomorrow morning...this morning now... Pippa hates it here, had to walk her a different way this morning and we have only been here twice now! never mind... get to like it girl... please...


TTFN amigos, good to be home...
Marian