Well amigos, you've travelled with me far and wide across the lands and seas, and to the depths of my sadness at losing my mom and later having to move from the country which holds my heart... You've also stayed with me during the hights of my happiness... With wonderful memories...

You've maybe laughed with me? Cried with me? Been exasperated with me... or at me!!

Now another long journey is ahead of me, one we, Franco and I, should not be traveling, not for twenty or thirty years... Yet here we are, and again I will have to vent here, write while I cry, write while my heart bleeds tears and my very being is smashed and torn ripped and I will be left, if there is anything left... Empty and small and... What? I don't know...

As you must have gleaned from previous posts, Franco has been living with the demon cancer... Pancreatic, yes, the one that they still cannot fathom, the little weird shaped blighter hides purposely behind the stomach where it pretty much gets on and does its thing and bides its time...

... until it's too late, apparently...
CT MRI colonoscopy and endoscopy tests later, the dark truth is told and our lives changed forever...

Franco is being so strong, very calm and talking like it's a done deal and things need sorting, and what can't be, won't be something he has to worry about any more...

I can't imagine what he is really thinking, feeling, he's starting to write it down, hopefully it will help him, it's good to talk/write, therapeutic...  He tells me to be strong, to be less emotional, less worried, less everything I am, I can't, I'm in pieces... I can't even imagine things not being like they are, it would be different if we didn't talk day and night, or had our own separate interests, or didn't go and do everything together...

Today I had an appointment with Cudeca, the cancer hospice down at Arroyo de Miel, we drove through the not so new tunnel from De la Torre to Torremolinos, been open a couple of years now I think... So we been through it from both directions!

We're also off to UK, leaving a friend to house sit at short notice! We're seeing my boys and families.... Then down to Wales seeing friends and work friends... Then home.

My appointment, I went off track didn't I... Wasn't easy, wasn't nice or real... I so seem to be most, no scratch that, some of the time I am living a reality that just isn't real anymore, I'm living a reality that I would have been living for many many years to come... Then it's slap bang punch to the guts this isn't real anymore, nothing will ever be the same...

I found myself apologising to a good friend the other day, I didn't realise, I never understood how she felt when she lost her husband, I just had no idea... She said, no one can know, you have to live it, to know it...

I don't want to live it, I don't want to know it...

I've never felt so small...