What the hell!! It's all I can say... Collected car then Pippa, we came in the house, electricity had gone off! Again!!! Only thing on, literally had been the freezer, stacked full, I'd even emptied into it all the frozen stuff from the fridge/freezer... House stinks, you don't even want to imagine the disgusting mess around under and in the freezer... I've had to clean it all out, bin everything, obviously...

Below in different font, (and to be quite honest I really can't be bothered to change it), is what I wrote on the flight home...

Waiting for boarding gate number was like waiting for paint to dry... then boarding was slow, more priority than us `others` now we're still boarding and I'm sitting, the back of my chair is being kicked by a child behind me! I am close to boil over point!

Plane is full of kids... every line, nearly almost... so two behind and two in front!! Three on other side of size... One child, further back screamed all the way over...

I had coffee and a sausage and tomato chutney muffin and a latte, refuel before the flight... maybe a cold drink now on board, another coffee might not be good idea! (I had coffee!).

I had a lovely couple of days with Baz and family... gone far too quickly as always... and it was tram and end of the line for me today... I arrived at the coach stop at 13:19 exactly, a minute early for the coach... which evidently had already been and gone! So I had to wait until ten to two...

I didn't want to be there, at the coach stop, it's where Franco and I always talked on the phone, "on my way home nearly..." happiness all round... it's not just a simple memory there it's more like a ghost, like an indented real-time thing, I really felt standing there, if I just dialled... Franco would answer...

Lol I have to add from nearby children "we're flying!" "We've taken off"... "I can see the airport, we're so high, we're too high..." "this is crazy..." " we're above the clouds" "we're in the north pole"

And as we came in one child shouted much to parents embarrassment "we coming down, we're landing in the sea!!"

Just some words from my fellow passengers on their first flights... and suddenly I don't feel so cross anymore...

Oh hang on, there's some screaming up at the back and other places, not everyone's first flight is as they hoped!

And now not long to landing... I still feel Franco will be there in Málaga to meet me, sat outside on the nearest available concrete seat at arrivals...

when will I not feel this is so...

Sorry friends, landed back in UK! International jet setter extraordaire!

That was Friday, I knew my destination, but the flight was forty minutes late taking off, which meant all train travel and connections on my list were obsolete! Luckily the tickets were 'any time' off peak!

I of course panicking about a different placement, location, train station! But there was a great monorail shuttle which took me direct to a very crowded train, cosy, snuggled up to everyone!!! Ugh! which took me to Birmingham New Street station, and on enquiring how to get out of there and travel on foot for a twenty minutes walk above ground... a wonderful lady told me to go to Manor station! Only a few minutes walk, job done!

It was then another train, less crowded, a short taxi and I'm here!

All good!

... until Friday.

Travelling Road

My birthday in Cambridge with Tony; I had never been to Cambridge before... I suppose with having lived so near to Oxford for so long, Oxford is where we always went!

River boat tours, punters punting...

Lots of tourists... of course!

The weather was lovely, which is good, and a new memory... reminding me of other memories...

So I have notes to transfer onto here, went out this morning without my phone!  Yes, unbelievable, I never leave my phone, or phones behind and once I knew I had forgotten them, I felt like I had left my arm behind in the house!!

Last evening I came home from Malaga airport to our home, and was nice to walk into the house with people here, and they're here till I go to work again, nearly... But Pippa is not here, she is still in the doggie hotel, it wouldn't have been fair to bring her home today and take her back tomorrow... I miss her...

This morning I left early to go to Aldi, got there at 9am, and now, well then, having coffee at La Trocha while I wait for the shops to open at 10am...

Just now driving I asked Franco out loud "where are you?" my make believe games hurt, but for the shortest of moments I can almost believe, I though him just now, still in hospital - not good for him, I know! But for me - hope, and any amount of hope keeps me... keeps me? I don't know where it keeps me. Oh yeah!  In denial.

Plans today! I changed my plan and just didn't care, so here, not on the coast, struggling to park and time wasted driving, have to get a few things for work on Friday - Feeling worried, nervous, scared even... But its one week only!

Had a good week at Tonys, Sunday we went out for a long drive, ending at a garden centre and then home; Saturday we went to Milton Keynes which was great... always love going there, I suppose because its a rarity now for me...

Every day bar one I went on Tonys VR... Who knew! I'm a gamer! Only I was waiting for VR!  No motion sickness at all.  Franco would have been very proud of me killing all the zombies, shooting them in the head with quite good accuracy!  I have put them on my YouTube... hang on will get a link...

That takes you too my Channel I think...

I am hooked! I am hoping they still have the Oculus Rift store in Plaza Mayor.... I'll be there every week for hours!!

Today, this morning on my way out, the air smelled so good, warm and fragrant - a day to drive and travel... Franco and I would have gone far today.

Notes finished, I am surprises I could read my handwriting, so very old Skool!!

Perfect cosy spot! 

17.07.17

Been staying with Tony and Kate since Tuesday last week... Been a good week, just being here...

Time in my head alone is limited when I'm not alone... of course lots of time it's still just my thoughts, my sadness, just me without Franco.

Franco had some beautiful words on his memorial Facebook page on the 12th, he was loved, and is missed...

Today we had planned a big thing, a special date for my birthday, 17.07.17... palindrome... we were going away somewhere special; as always special, but we'd thought of somewhere in Italy...

Tony and I are going to do something, I should be responsible for myself now, instead I've shifted the responsibility onto my son... sorry honey...

I'm barely here, a thin wisp of myself
I survive each day and don't know why.
Who am I now?
Why did Franco have to die.

It would have been Francos 60th birthday today...

I still don't understand, still can't comprehend... still cannot except the reality of him dying...

I just listened to him tell me he loves me on a message he gave me...

...and I feel such a loss my heart bleeds tears;


I'm not at home, I wouldn't have survived this week at home, but I am missing our Pipster, I feel guilty leaving her in the doggie hotel, she shouldn't be there, she should be at home with us...

I'm at Tony and Kates in England, wishing I could turn back time, and change something, do something, anything that could have helped or stopped what happened to Franco.

I'm just so sad. Franco made me happy, all the time, he was my happiness, he made me smile every day, told me everything would be okay... Until he told me last November that it wouldn't be.

He told me to sit down, told me what he had been told, and that I had to be strong...

The impossible road...

Tomorrow is Francos birthday, not in a good place in my head, yesterday or today so far...

And as I approach another 'first'... I have to say I have 'firsts' every day... The first breathe I take each day as I realise Franco is not next to me...

Each day I go out and Franco is not next to me, or at home when I return... When I find he is not upstairs, or on the terrace, or going to call or message...

My firsts without Franco are with me everywhere every day...

And this is the truth of the truth, the heart of my heart... my reality... my thought as I sit here right now...

*Franco I know your coming around the corner, you've parked the car, your almost to the door, you'll soon be home, thank God, I was so scared, I can't live without you, I don't know how.*

I know I can't go on like this, I know 'things' will change... it will have to. It has to.

I know this is normal, but knowing these feelings are normal doesn't help... it's just all wrong.

Random Roads...

Sorry photograph is a little blurred! Wasn't sure if the bug was alive and didn't want to startle him! I think he was a horned dung beetle! Guess that horn is for pushing the worlds largest dung-roll ahead of him!

And from largest - to smallest! The worlds smallest cupcake! How cute! Out with friend last evening for a good walkabout town... Ended outside a bar and for me café con leche and it came with this cute little cupcake!

And lastly... Me!!! Oh if only I knew at the time as we stood there at Europa Point! What the hell was my hair doing!! I think life-of-its-own comes to mind.

It was clipped back by the way, I didn't walk around Gib. looking like this... did I?

Tears are words our hearts cannot speak...

Gibraltar

Had another lovely visit to Gibraltor with friends yesterday, Tuesday... Franco and I had stopped going so much, we only saw the things we had got fed up with seeing, therefore, and very sadly, we had stopped seeing Gibraltor!

So often we stop seeing the very places we see every day don't we... maybe the people too sometimes, which is even sadder.

Above a view at Europa point... a point in question, we had never been to before, until I came last week with the same friends...

Last week the rock was so bright and white on approach it looked to be covered in snow, the way the sun caught the chalk face... Yesterday it was cloudy on approach, from way back, we left the sun and clear blue skies, and drove towards the cloud looming over Gibraltar...

It cleared as we walked around the streets and had coffee...

A very cool building right near the end of the high street, further than I had every walked before, Franco and I only having ever gone as far as a menswear shop, where I bought Franco a really lovely Italian sweater, with a red strip running across, very unusual, until Franco went to visit Wales and was met by his bessy mate who was wearing one just like it!!

The Trafalgar Cemetery, I'd never seen before either! Very well kept and worth a good long walk around...

Above our friends the turtles at Casa Flores in Alhaurín El Grande, they were all sunbathing, heads up, feet off the ground!! check out those baby ones on the left, zoom in! They are so cute!!

Life's a 'beach' 1.7.17

So today here I am on the beach! Yeh! Ha... Those that know me, know I'm not a beach babe... I'm here for Franco, he loved the beaches here, he liked it here in La Cala, quieter than Fuengirola...

Today is three months to the date and day, 1st of July... Our birthday month...

I am worse today than I was Saturday 1st April, in many many ways... Realisation, loss, emptiness, confusion... To name but a few of the many emotions which tear me up each day and night.

So here I sit on a bed on the beach under a parasol, with tears streaming down my face and sniffing like a.... sniffy thing.  Why? Because I know Franco would have wanted us to be here...