The Shared Road - A week in Málaga!

On what goes on here really, not much! It's just Eat Meds Sleep...Sounds like a boring bar.. 'EMS' come for the food and drugs, sleep it off on the premises!

It was Mother's Day in the UK last Sunday; I remember so few really, memories do that... I remember eating in an Italian place in Berkhamsted with my boys and one of their girls... and mom, and receiving a beautiful bracelet they had bought for me, it was either 2001 or 2002... Unfortunately I remember the one that took place between my mom passing and her cremation vividly. Franco and I spent the day with Tony and Kate, we went to Silverstone and Kate tore around that track, on foot! It was cold, the wind was bitter, and the stands were uncovered for the winter! and my heart was frozen...

Then this year.... my heart... Oh! Take my meds!! ✓ Lol... Yes mom, your parting gift, my broken heart, don't think these meds will keep it from shattering now into a billion pieces. And I will remember us being here in Málaga hospital...

...We can't ever cover up bad memories with good another time, we can only try to make sure we keep the good ones upper most in our minds, and keep making more? How? I know I will, which makes me sadder still, but I've always been a firm believer that we carry those we love and have lost with us at all times and they share what we see through our eyes... (am I stupid...? Don't answer me on that!).

And I am now constantly trying to tell myself... These are not the memories to cling to, the past fourteen months while Franco has been getting sicker and sicker... none of this time has been memory making time... Yes we've had some good days..  Sons wedding! Barry and Heidi... Little Cassie beautiful day.. although Francos absence in 99.9% of the photographs speaks volumes... Even our much wanted sleepover in Málaga, dogged by how Franco was feeling and being unable to even get to the nearby port, one of Francos favorites spots. But all the way through this whole time it's been a rush here or there, pain, doctors appointments, scans, more rushing and more illness, more pain... Every trip out, even to a local supermarket, all the way back to December before last... and before that, back in UK, Franco visited the doctor, first time in fourteen years... Other than a broken leg and stitch or two! Vitamin D definency and 'you need to see a physio'... er NO!!! Wrong!!! It was stomach and back pain... First signs...

Our wonderful Christmas lunch at the Kiosko, I don't want to remember that as much as our thousands of trips up to those lakes and the Kings Walk... When we were living our dream... and now, that's probably the last time we will have gone there... I would rather in retrospect not gone... But Franco wanted to, so that's how I will remember, and remember I will.

Franco did go down to the surgery yesterday, and came out again with the catheter in place still, it had needed adjustment, it was, and we were back in the room by lunchtime!

Our neighbour has gone and his kind and generous family with him! We have been left with the essentials, water, chocolate and cake! An invite to their shop in Arriate, a favorite village of ours but never stopped for meat before! Next time! I went a bit loco and Tweeted and Facebook'd and G+ their shop!! Seriously good genuine people... and can only repay them by sharing their information...

We are presently enjoying a peaceful time in an unshared room... A little too quiet, but won't push our luck! We're sure a whole bunch of people in observation are awaiting a bed for the night, so come one come all, new friends to make! More Spanish to practice!

A nice couple have arrived, he is being settled in now by his wife, sampling the first rate three course dinner and in-house facilities!  (This should not be taken in a sarcastic manner.)

I don't know what I would do without my family and friends, even complete strangers sometimes, going out of their way at this time in our lives... angels without wings I've said it before, and still today...

I also know I have some inbuilt safety thing, an innate self something or other... Even as sad as bad as depressed as bottom of the pit of life I feel right now when I went into the visitors toilet in front of half a dozen men seated outside I had the urge to come out and do a funny 'dance off stage' dance thing... I didn't!

But that spark that tiny flame that still burns in my very being still fueled my soul of life, of life of living... and I feel guilty... because of that, and even though all I can see is only darkness and dark days and a blank page a 'this road is closed' sign...

And it's not right, we have preset memories in-waiting in place of stuff we want to do, places on our list to visit, a whole package of up-to and after retirement to un-pack! I'm angry!

The Shared Road - Long dark night

Last night I have been reminded once more that we hurt those we love the most...

Sharing a room with only one other as we do here, we witnessed a son suffer his poorly father's wrath, a strong dialect but I could still fully understand the meaning and the swear words... Both of them getting more and more upset by the other, until neither were listening, just both trying to be heard... if you get my drift...

It's only 07:22 now as I write, shattered, and just realised it's more like 06:22 due to the time change, later here in Europe than back 'home' in the states... Europe catching up as usual, all a little bit too late!

It's a strange world, living here temporarily... You get used to the routine, the comings and goings... Some goings a bit too permanent and a shock reminder of how fragile our lives are... A man who had voiced his thoughts next door for a few nights, exited yesterday and left a noticeable quietness, in some way louder than before.

We had thunder and lightning last evening as darkness came, no rain that we could see and the nesting swallows carried on with their harvest of bugs to bring home, some of which are right by our window.

Franco had an early morning blood test, so we're hoping the catheter might be removed this morning, I'm up and ready, Franco went back to sleep but awoke a moment ago to say he thinks we're going home soon.

The Shared Road - every pain and every tear...

Second full day in hospital.
Early on, like forever ago it has always been 'we' when we say stuff, and that has never stopped, when talking to doctors or Cudeca or local clinico Franco always 'we take this or that' or 'we started getting this or that in such 'n such a month'... Not sure what they think with us saying 'we' here... They probably think it's a language thing... I'm sure our español is improving though, it has to, although some of these medical words were never high on our must learn list!

The op did go well, stent in place and catheter releasing the awful bile which has been poisoning Francos body.  I'm sure his skin is looking better, and the whites of his eyes more white than yellow...

Franco is enjoying the wonderful food, three course meals twice a day, plus breakfast and two snacks! I am living off scraps lol! My fault, the other day I did eat a good meal with Franco in the hospital canteen before we were admitted, and today I had takeaway from there to eat here in our room.... Paella! And very nice it was too for less than five euro!

I promise to have one good meal a day from the canteen.

It's Mother's day in the UK this Sunday, will be a strange one for me here in hospital!

I also moved the car today, it was round the corner out of sight, now I can see it in the car park!

Great view! Did I tell you? The Mediterranean stretched out beyond, and vistas of Alhaurín de la Torre, Churriana, Torremolinos and all the way around Málaga... All from our hospital window...

We wish we were home with our Guadalhorce valley view, just have to wait a few days more and we will be, with Pip and we can relax again and just be us.

The Shared Road - Heart = Love, and so much more.

Franco back in hospital, we arrived yesterday, Wednesday for pre-op blood test, settle into a room and stent to be fitted today, hopefully we thought after last time, and it has been...

Franco has been so tired; he has had this awful bile fluid buildup in his whole body, more noticeable by the yellow color of his skin and swolleness of his feet, calves, left hand and stomach... He's exhausted, I'm exhausted, didn't know I could be so tired, physically for Franco and more mentally for me.

Franco is still eating little and often, which is great, well amazing actually.

I don't know where he is getting his mental strength from, he is being so strong, so positive still, talking about walking into town again, about eating better again, about being okay... I'm just lost and scared and dying inside.

I am so proud of Franco.

Franco came out of surgery and off to recovery, I saw him briefly, sleeping peacefully... I was told to wait for the Doctor to come and talk to me, he did...

... the stent has been fitted, with a drainage catheter which will remain in place for a few days, maybe until Tuesday or Wednesday and then we can go home... praying this will ease Francos pain and other related symptoms.

And now I am having food(!!!) and coffee, then I will go back to our room and wait for Francos return...

My coffee today here in a bar near the hospital; a heart for our love...

The quiet road...

Sorry everyone, we are here... We were in hospital all day Wednesday and came home on Thursday... Franco was all set to have a stent inserted to help move the bile fluid out of his body, which is severely debilitating him... The anaesthetist came to see us, checked Franco over, then the doctor came to say the operation would not take place and we were to go home, and come back for the operation, two weeks later... was a bit of a blow... it is something that needs doing, and everyday is making Franco more tired, and the fluid build up worse and worse.

So we came home Thursday, family had arrived Wednesday and Thursday morning, we all got down to our favorite pizza restaurant in town, Franco using his scooter, for the past few days though Franco has been more tired, he has been awake more with our family staying, but therefore more tired... we always try to do more when we have visitors, sometimes their visits take a week or two to recover from... Especially if we're out and about every day, taking people to all our favorite places... then we need a holiday afterwards.... Of course, this wasn't the regular visit...  But Franco still tried to be more awake than asleep.

Yesterday we had an early wake up when the family left, and got a couple of hours of sleep until 7am when the alarm went off!  Meds have to be taken on time, and if we don't start at the right time its all knocked out of sync for the rest of the day, but we caught up with some naps, Franco more so... And Franco also had lots more to eat yesterday and a good breakfast already today... meds are his huge bugbear... Franco has never been a pill-taker... its always me who has had to take something or other, tables turned big time now, thankfully its only that he doesn't want to take them, and not that he finds it hard to swallow them!

We have some huge foam pieces on the terrace benches, [that Franco made], Franco had had a good sleep on one earlier in the week, so we brought one down, I covered it, and Franco had about three hours sleep on that yesterday afternoon, really comfortable, and we stood it up on the back of the sofa and Franco slept well last night, we went to sleep about 11pm and woke up with the alarm at 7am... Franco did wake me up for some food about 4am, but then we decided to wait until a bit later or the meds would be too out of sync...

Yesterday evening Franco said as we were watching TV and talking... "your my 1 to 1 carer, like your job in the UK... only we're not getting paid for it!"  lol.... true I guess... Although I did point out that I am caring for him out of love not money!  and that I don't think of it as work, and that I wouldn't have it any other way... except all of this NOT happening at all would be the best thing!

For a couple of nights we were back downstairs in the dining room and den, but yesterday Franco wanted to come back up to the living room where he wanted to be again... nearer the bathroom and halfway up to the terrace too of course, and today should be warm again so when the suns on the terrace maybe we'll get up there... Franco said the other day to me that he didn't think he would get up there again after he came down into the dining room... He will!

The doctors came again to visit with us and talk to us about what had happened in hospital and what happens next, they also organised a mattress for Franco, which the next day... Friday, I went up to the clinico here in town to collect, its an air mattress lots of small pockets filled constantly with air, but Franco didn't find it comfortable at all!  Which is why we got the foam down from the terrace!

We're sitting relaxed and comfortable now, up in the lounge, Pippa asleep on my left and Franco on my right, its only 9:30am, all meds done for morning, house clean and tidy...

The tired road...

We're all alone aren't we really? We can be in a room a place with friends family strangers, we're still alone when it's boils down to it. But feeling lonely is so much worse...

Lonely is something different.
Feeling closed off for some reason, about something maybe... in our heads and minds can be a lonely place, even in that crowded room.

I've never minded going somewhere on my own, travel, cars planes trains... I have talked countless times to people about the difference, "as long as you don't feel lonely here by yourself, that's what's important..." "If you feel alone, but happy with yourself, that's okay, that's liveable" "But if your lonely.... that's different...."

Franco and I can talk for hours, day and night, night and day... always have, when we're parted by miles we still talk and laugh and talk some more, text, messenger, webcam, always communicating...

At night, these past few nights apart I want to message Franco, and answer his the same  "goodnight, sleep tight!... Speak in the morning... I love you"... 

I noticed on my phone yesterday here in the car park, a link we have which shows us where each other are, it said Franco was in our house 7 hours ago... must have come from his phone I've been carrying around with me until the battery went flat.

.... tick tock

Still in our car reading... and time to time watching traffic and people pass by, lots of car horns caught my attention and I looked out onto a bit of wasteland people use for hospital overspill parking... And I thought I better get back to our car over in the main car park... Which is weird, as I am actually sitting in our car, just not where I was for so long yesterday...

NEWS UPDATE:
We got a room last evening!!
There I was in with Franco, and that had been a hold up, 8:20pm before we got to see each other, Franco had his dinner... And along came to lady we saw last November and off we went!! 

Fantastic, so good for us to be together at last... Good nights sleep, comfy chair... Hell, it could be a block of cement, I wouldn't care!

The Shared Road, hand in hand, a kiss, a breathe ....

Me and phone on meltdown, get this written before one of us packs it up...

Still waiting for a bed, a hospital bed, Franco is still in the observation room.

Cudeca doctor called me this morning to tell me she had called hospital and we would be speaking to a doctor with translator, she was right, we did.

They chatted to us, asked us questions, they tested Franco a bit... Date? Hell, even I don't know the date today! Day of the week? For me yes, but only because it was a long weekend here in hospital! Franco knew the year, and he was doctorate 100% positive I am his wife! Few other questions he answered a bit strangely, and after they left Franco told me 'they've' all been going to some day centre with cars and things and David Beckham was there, because he's here now, based in Málaga not Madrid...

Bit surreal and for a moment I thought they had actually been taking him somewhere... Then there was the windup option.. Well, we know Franco likes a good laugh and blags a lot Lol... But no, he was serious.  He thinks its been dark for a few days too...

Franco apologised for being so tired too... He told me he cries for me to be with him when I'm not there...

It will be so good to get him home...

Doctor said, back to this morning... That when they feel its okay, and there is a bed Franco will be in one... And when stabilised he can come home...

This has clashed, sort of... with a call I got not long ago, Cudeca doctor called again to find out how we got on... She said that the hospital have told her Franco is very very bad now... Which she took to mean he wouldn't be coming home, but maybe hospital want him to come home if that is what he wants, which Franco has always said it is, and I told him after a couple of nights in a bed in his own hospital room he can come home! And Franco was really happy...

And now I am waiting in the car until either 8pm or a call to say Franco is in a room.

Our Road...

Like Franco said, yesterday it got worse...

Franco was no way going to make the consultant appointment in the hospital, he couldn't have walked far, even in the wheelchair it would have been almost impossible.

Against his wishes I had to speak to our nurse, he sent a team out to us who decided, also against Francos wishes, that he should go to A&E, get checked out, not worry about the consultant appt.

The reason I was so worried was I recognised the signs of diabetes meltdown, the craving, the tiredness, the confusion the many other symptoms and I was so worried Franco would pass out, go into a coma, lose his sight... so many things...

It took nearly two hours to get Franco out of the house, prompting, arguing, and the general process... we dropped the Pipster off at her doggie hotel and went to the hospital, I parked at A&E and booked Franco in, we were called quite quickly and I went to park the car, found a nearby space, the only good thing about the day...

It started raining then too.

Back to Franco and he was sent to a doctor, then another doctor, then into an observation room, arguing all the way because he wanted to go home... then even worse they kicked me out of the room!  Only patients allowed, about twelve people in the room on chairs, on drips...

It was awful my heart was broken, more, he didn't even know why I left, where I was, would I be back?  I sat in A&E for over four hours... at 8pm we were all allowed in to see our loved ones... Franco was frantic, where had I been? why wasn't I with him? why did I leave him....?  Then that he wanted to go home... so I knew the saline and insulin still hadn't worked enough yet, he was still confused, still not fully understanding what was happening...

So they moved him to a bed, with him arguing more with them, especially on hearing I couldn't stay with him... the nurses told me to leave for 3 minutes. I went back and there was my Franco in bed, a cover up to his waist only, he was pulling it up, turned on his side and just so dam tired... he has been sleeping so much that being in an upright chair for so many hours he must have got completely exhausted, more so than ever.. I said I couldn't stay and he seemed resigned to that fact already and Franco just said goodnight, I love you...

And I left in tears, which haven't stopped.... I walked to the car in the pouring rain, crying drove home crying... spoke with family crying... back home it was good to be here, where Franco still is, his energy, but without him, without Pippa...

The dam clock in the living room has stopped, last night at 10:44pm... keep looking at it!!

And today is seven years since my mom passed away.  Who would, or could have, ever imagined being like this today, impossible.  Impossible. Impossible.

I just want to get back to the hospital, they said the room opens to visitors at one pm... I'll leave about 11:30 and get there around noon, and wait again in the waiting area... I so scared... I hope the insulin is kicking in... they said they would do some scans too, but here we are the dam weekend again, so I'm not sure if they will.  Will they give Franco a bed in the main hospital?  I'm taking some of this things, like I did yesterday, hoping they would give us a normal room, where I could have stayed...

I wish it wasn't Franco.

The Shared Road... sharing...

This morning as I rushed out with the Pipster and looked across our beautiful Guadalhorce valley I thought... to all intense and purposes this looks like just another day....

No different to any other, its different to me.

We had a bad night last night, and evening really.

Franco seems, no, Franco is, very disorientated, confused... words and actions... he is craving sweet sugary drinks and lots of them, and what goes in must come out, and he is even more tired than normal just now... we were awake a great deal of the night and up very early... These really are all signs of diabetes which can be a big factor in pancreatic cancer.

We have a nurse coming this morning, should have been going to see the consultant in the hospital, but no way.

Franco said yesterday "Its going to get worse before it gets better..."

Francos daffodils on our balcon, he wanted daffs! So last year they were planted and here now in full bloom!

Franco is so tired, he has very little energy... We went out last Friday I think it was, to search down a motorbility scooter for him... It was raining and we had to keep sheltering under trees and shop awnings in Fuengirola! Franco in his wheelchair... We weren't happy!

We found a guy who sold second hand mobility scooters, left a deposit and he serviced it and called us Monday, so we went to collect it!  We drove down along the paseo, parked and walked back to the port... Well I walked and Franco made use of his new wheels! Glad he's got the speed turned down! It's nippy!

We had fish and chips along the port, very nice it was too.   Then headed home, via Also!

We have an appointment with Francos consultant tomorrow, Friday 3rd, at the hospital, not seen him since November.

Weather is improving, bit chilly over night still, but that smell of spring is in the air... The smell of promise...

My tolerance is on zero, I'm sorry, it is... And a guy down in Mercadona car park just now begging, got a verbal punch to his gut...