Nice little trip into town, Nottingham, this afternoon, appointment for my boob screening! Or as a friendly calls it, boob press!! 

Sorry, saying is all! Too much info? Deepest apologies but my life, as you know, is mapped on my pages, bled out sometimes among the lines, between the lines most often.. afraid of giving it all here, yet, hopeless to keep it in.. or too helpless not to! 

Good at confusing every one with words and plot twists and turns! 

Anyways! I was early, in and out before my appointment time, and time for a KFC, Christmas special! Thank you very much KFC! Been longing for the Christmas special, watching the same advert night after night! Now I've had my yearly taste of it maybe I'll stop saying, 'I want that!' or maybe not!

Was pretty in town, sky a beautiful blue, with red tinges from the setting sun, the Christmas market lights sparkling, people happy.. 

Was lovely journey home ...

This evening the tree! At last? Yes, better late than never I guess! Simple, not too a great many ornaments, not sure if I've lost any, I know I had only bought a new tree the year before I moved, and I think a few more baubles, they're on the tree, and my few tree decorations.. I buy something most years, to add to the tree.. Treeeeee, why have I said it so many times! Leaving it as I've written it now! 

Not speaking into my phone, writing!

Yesterday after I wrote, I opened a Christmas box, and there were only a few Christmassy things in there, the rest were all ornaments! 

Things I had thought lost, but also not the special things I still can't find! 

I think my head is so messed up over the move, that somehow I also keep thinking that I've left stuff in my lock up!! Which is impossible!

How could I have taken to the charity shop the things most precious to me? I'll stop saying this soon, I'll go through everything, one more time, obviously I hadn't, or the things I found yesterday wouldn't have been such a surprise.. 

But, when all is said and done with the boxes, I'll stop, I'll mourn yet more things I have lost, and just have to let go, move on.. kick myself hard, beat my head against a wall and cry yet more tears... 

Change the subject!

This morning I finished watching a great movie, Bride Hard .. watch it! Great movie! Love the Die Hard connection with the name... 

It'll be a keeper on my list!

Now, time for TV, relax, then sleep, fingers crossed; and, perchance to dream.. 

M.

We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter. 

Denis Diderot

Nice day yesterday, sky was mostly blue, sun was mostly out, very mild for this time of the year! 

Was train and tram into Nottingham, visit with my son, catch up and back to town... Had a wander around, crazy busy! Mayhem was already ensueing! 

I am talking into my phone again to write my blog, it just seems easier as long as I keep an eye on what is being sent out on here and not miss heard by Google. Lols it wrote 'herd' Oh dear!! 

So I am now pottering around and moving things around until things find their home, which made me laugh when just telling a friend, because I have been moving around for 66 years and I'm still not sure where I'm supposed to be! Well, that's not strictly true, I did feel home, as soon as my feet touched the tarmac August 3rd 1988, en suelo español. And yes, that's still where I am with that. But where I am supposed to be? Is that a different thing?

I found a little plastic tub that I'd obviously filled up with items as I left home, I thought it only had thread and needles in there mostly, but it seems I had placed other odd items in there... It's very annoying today talking my Blog..  as I speak it doesn't understand the difference between they're there and their! See Y eso me ha dicho and in Spanish! That means 'and that's what he told me!' Not sure who 'he' is, and it's not what I said!

And so inside my little plastic box, I found my collection of Costa Coffee badges that I had collected from the Costa Coffee in Aylesbury!

I bet if I walked into Costa anywhere now wearing them no one working there would even remember them! Mostly not even born then! 

Also in there which expectedly would be quite a few buttons, I have a huge collection of buttons in a button tin, have I mentioned that before? They belonged to me my mom, my grandmother and my great-grandmother at least! 

I keep meaning to take them all and get them to my daughter-in-law, she will make much better use of them than I ever have.

There was also Pippa's first collar which was a bit sad to see, and the smallest tiniest little silver pot with a mother of pearl lid and a black elephant on the top, I was fairly buoyant, fairly happy just going through these things, then I opened the pot and the world stopped, did anyone else notice? Did anyone fall off the planet when gravity ceased to exist? No!?! Just me then, it has a very small amount of Franco's hair inside. 

Is our family weird collecting hair? I have mourning jewelry with hair, dating back generations. My mom's baby hair, my own, my boys... 

I think it's time for me to get back to my movie I started watching, and paused about half an hour ago it's a horror film I'm watching, needed a break from Christmas movies, chick flicks, and or any other movies that can be a bit sad this time of the year. 

M.

I wonder if the only way this world will work is if we learn to coexist with the past as well as the future

A few words on a Facebook page, purloined here, has prompted my photograph taken at Cabopino a few years ago.. 

Christmas makes me spike high with expectations and down with loss, missing, broken dreams.. 

Childhood hopes mainly I think... 

Haven't got the tree up yet, but it's here and waiting, delivery man asked when he dropped something else off yesterday!! I wonder if he remember everything he has delivered to everyone!! WoW! That would be impressive! 

Maybe at Christmas going far far away would work! Of course, I'd only be there when I got there, so I am guessing not! It's good having my things around me, but they do feel as though they're not where they should be, where they were, for twenty three years.

Nothing to report today! Rained a little last night, sunny now! And this isn't a weather report Blog! Although I have noticed last couple of weeks they've had snow down south twice already! Not seen any up here, want to say up north! Bit I'm in the East Midlands! Phone wanted to say East Islands... Sounds nice! 

Needing a new Tattoo, sorry aunt Rita! Thinking little scarab beetle? 

Okay,. get a little bit random now, just chittering on now! 

Update on knee? Still bruised, still a lump and still hurting! Post surgery.. still have issues!

Funny how even when I'm not feeling too great myself I can still lift others, still raise positive thoughts. We never do listen to ourselves do we.

It occurred to me yesterday, also, I spent fifteen years feeling as though Spain was my home, while I waited to move there, then lived there until last year, apart from the short break in Wales, still had my home there... And visited as much as I could. Thirty-six years is a long time to feel at home somewhere, to feel in the right place, to see what I used to see every day.. and feel at peace... Until I didn't.. 

Although when I visit, it truly feels like coming home.

M.

Things we lose always have a way of coming back to us again

Harry Potter 

Our new Christmas mugs! Spruced up for my blog! Does look much better with that foamy cream

Ok friends I am going to speak my blog today as I have been gone for well over two weeks, not gone gone, just gone from blogging!

On the Tuesday following my last blog I'd gone out for a walk along the canal and on my return not far from home I took a step off the curb and fell onto the road, both my knees and both my wrists and hands took a really hard knock, and as it was the weekend after I built 5 or 6 items of furniture from IKEA, I was already feeling the effects of that.

I picked myself up off the road and continued over I stopped by a car wash and the girl that works there came over to check I was okay, she asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee but I said as I was so near to home I would just get back, but thanked her.

So still two weeks and a day after falling I still have a bruised left knee and a lump I can't kneel on my left knee at all and I do feel I should have gone to urgency, but there is no way after my recent visits to urgency but I plan on going anytime soon. 

I realise I may have seriously damaged my patella, but I'm just going to leave it for a while longer. 

I have which you will not have noticed on here as you only get to know what I write that, I have moved into a house not too far from my sons, it is just a short train and tram ride away and can be there within an hour, I am in Derbyshire now just over the border literally just a few minutes from the M1 motorway.

I am watching all the Christmas crap, sorry I mean wonderful Christmas movies that I watch every year, and last few days watching Harry Potter movies, I am listening to all the books on Amazon audio what's it called, Audible of course that's what it's called! 

I am missing home home home, nope saying it's three times does not get me back I thought I would try! 

The weather hasn't been too bad a few days of rain here all there but still really mild 12 degrees the other day, maybe this house is quite warm. 

On Sunday at at sons, we all went into town three grandparents and three children, I am including my son in the children section!

We had a great time wandering around the shops, we had lunch at McDonald's and I now am a proud owner of the Grinch socks, as advertised on TV! They are odd socks which works perfectly for me as I always wear, odd socks!

We got back home thank Cassie and I had an hour before we headed back out on the tram, and back into town, we had tickets for Wicked two, we popped into a nearby Tesco's supermarket and picked up sweets and water comma and still early, as my son had predicted! We then wondered into a store not far from the cinema that Cassie wanted to go in, it's a great store quite goth filled with jewelry unusual clothes unusual bits and pieces, we wondered around on the ground floor then Cassie said let's go downstairs, so I followed her down. 

She was ahead of me on the stairs and at the bottom of the stairs looked in front of her and to the left at the shelving there, I was still walking down and looked across to my right where I saw a man behind the counter, he looked at me and I immediately read his expression I hadn't realized quite how psychic I am! I looked to the right of him, and the shelving there! I said to my granddaughter come on let's go, and she complained but turned around and headed up the stairs in front of me, the guy at the counter nodded and I nodded back. 

My granddaughter complained that I hadn't allowed her to carry on looking around the shop, and I said to her that it would be another 10 years before I would go in that shop again with her at least downstairs, or even tell her why! 

As I tried not to laugh out loud I couldn't help smiling, when I thought of the interaction between the shopper assistant and myself as he tried and succeeded in getting me to see, the huge array of adult toys that were on the shelf down in that corner!!! 

So funny, a real memory moment, then of course we headed into the cinema, we were screen two of the Broadway Cinema in Nottingham and the seats were plush comfortable didn't fold in half when Cassie moved around, a year ago when we went at a different screen the seat kept trying to swallow her up! 

No I don't know if I have caught up yet really with everything, I have left my lock up, I have at last retrieved all my belongings, there seems to be some things missing although I haven't actually opened all of the wrappings yet. 

Time will tell, and it seems strange to see my things somewhere other than home I think, it's not just been falling over, but my head has been in a strange place, still is. 

I sometimes just wish , I just wish so much that life hadn't forced my path to change, and saying this out loud now, makes it so much more difficult, because I feel like I'm talking to friends and therefore my eyes are now leaking! 

Let's change the subject! Christmas is nearly upon us we have advent calendars to open, we have the wonderful Christmas adverts on the TV, and I genuinely mean that actually. 

I had missed the Christmas adverts which also break the heart, I am enjoying I'm a celebrity get me Out of Here, it is really the only thing that I watch like that on TV.

I am wandering how many mistakes have been made whilst I speak into my phone, it doesn't always pick up exactly what I'm saying, and maybe, it never picks up what I'm thinking. 

Time to end for today, apologies for my lateness, must try better! Now it's time for another cup of coffee and back to Harry Potter! 

M.

I wonder, How much love in this world Hides behind silence?

-THE RANDOM STORIES

Getting especially addicted to the AI option on my phone! But certainly gets my All Bran bright and Christmas sparkly!

So, yesterday, the dark day of November 10th, I shouldn't be maudlin.. Apologies.. time heals they say? But I'd like to meet these people, see how their life experiences have differed from mine..

'I know how you feel; yes I can imagine; this is my advice; this is how I would manage your problem' 

Yeah, walk in the shoes of people who have had to overcome parts of their lives that have broken them .. and I don't just mean me, of course not .. People have, and are, suffering way more than me, and you.  We have no real idea... If you're reading this you're a very lucky person in so many ways...

Sorry head in weird place me thinks, today!

Time to change, the subject!

Saw these Christmas sweaters in Asda just now, made me want to buy them and get back to work at Overseas, where the view from the shop doorway is the Mediterranean.. Christmas tunes blaring from the speakers all day, every day of December, dancing down the aisles in our Christmas sweaters.. Yep, miss work, miss my friends there, miss many of the customers.. Probably why I hang out around supermarkets now! Seeing small insights small similarities, makes me smile... Good memories.

Even those people coming in complaining the advent calendars had run out and no more stock coming in... Well, after three months of being in store they would be gone, right! 

Then the mince pies on the counter, 50/50 ratio more or less, in those that love them, from September to December, and those that hate them, complaining about them even being there for sale!?!

We must waste so much of our lives complaining about what we don't like, don't want... Instead of being grateful and happy about the good things we have, can see, can feel...

Oops, dropped back down to wherever I began my post! Is this what All Bran does!! Lols 

Okay, got my surgery report yesterday, thankfully at last, nothing gory coming up, no red flags and warning bells!

The LST/NG was removed en bloc, taken as one piece, that means, less risk of leaving anything unwanted, they used a technique which mentioned an ESD speedboat!?! And nine clips used!!

Anyways, they did it, I'm healing and all good!

I feel like a good walk along a river bank or through a forest, wellies on and squelching through the mulch.. that wonderful earthy smell I missed of England when living in Spain .. I need to fill up on some positive effects of nature, breathe and pause, and breathe some more..

It did rain last night and stopped this morning before I went out.. But, I am also feeling really tired, I couldn't fall asleep last night, then as usually follows, awoke too early!

M.

I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.

Joshua Graham

Going to get myself up in a minute! Been listening to a book for a couple of hours, nipped down for a coffee, but need to shake myself up, get up, have my rusk and warm milk and then get down to Asda! Need some more soup! And maybe a yoghurt, can't get much softer than yoghurts! 

Stomach is hurting again sitting so maybe getting up and moving about will help now.

You know I Googled that strange dreamlike weird thing when I couldn't sleep the other night.. had some strange meanings.. which I won't bother you with!! Lols 

Sat now, second cup of coffee, and first Farley's Rusk under my belt! I have already called City hospital, a really helpful guy is going to print out and send me my report, which the system in the Queens Med had been unable to do on Monday, and he also advised me on what other soft foods I can eat until Saturday! Very helpful...

I am dressed and ready for my short walk, wish me luck! Lols, well it'll be too late by the time you read this maybe!

It could be years!! 

Music track today, and it's John Lewis's Christmas 2025 advert.. 

I realized just now watching a Christmas Advert on TV, I have missed these adverts, not having seen the Christmas Adverts for so long, or only intermittently.. 

I guess some people may say "Christmas ads! Ooerrr again already!."

But, some of them are so beautifully thought out and made.. Small stories.. straight to the heart ..

M.

The dead don't disappear 

Not while they're loved..

Quote from an episode of Strike 

 

Mathern, a village in Wales..

But first of course I better update on surgury.. 

Went in about 10:30 Monday morning, for my 11am admission, was a bit of a deja vu feel about it all, after last week, but I was signed in, checks done, signed all the forms and trollied off to the theatre about 12:45ish..

Every one very nice, felt very cared for and looked after... In the bit before the theatre, the prep room... They put in the cannula, BP arm band, the stickers and then an injection for something and the oxygen mask... The anesthesiatist said think of a happy place .. so I put myself on the boardwalk at Calahonda.. and knew no more .. 

I can't actually remember coming back around in the recovery room, but obviously I did, because they moved me back into my ward half an hour later... Was 4:30 then...

Reclined my chair and covered me up with a blanket.. where I snoozed!

I came home about 7pm and went to bed about an hour later.. slept sort of until 3am yesterday morning, then just laid in bed listening to a book until I got up about 9ish.

Baz took the day off to look after me, I wasn't allowed to be left alone for the first 24hrs...

And also no food for 24hrs after the surgery..

So last night about six I had something? Oh soup, I had cream of chicken soup... 

Yesterday I had a very very sore throat and speaking wasn't easy... 'Yeah yeah yeah!!' and a very painful abdomen area .. All to be expected.. 

Today tummy still hurts, but not as bad, and throat getting better.. A long as I don't talk too much!! 

I didn't get my report, and I didn't get a food plan.. So that's been worrying me a bit, winging it on the soft food I can eat, today had a rusk for breakfast and three hours later another one, with warm milk .. love those things! Then three hours later I had half a can of cream of mushroom soup, the other half three hours later! So four meals today, if you can call them meals! And a Complan just now, for some goodness! 

I guess I'll sort of repeat tomorrow, if I can't get hold of anyone to answer my question about what to eat!! 

I know it's soft foods for 72 after after the non food 24hrs .. 

So a good meal Saturday, although I have to admit I'll be a bit worried as the point of soft foods is that nothing hurts the site of the operation, for obvious reasons.

Anyways, I survived it! And I was scared, it's just not a good time of the year, I know remembering dates from past painful times doesn't help... 

But I'll never forget...

Last night although exhausted, I couldn't sleep! And after waking up at 3am yesterday morning and still seeing 2am this morning!! Made yesterday a very long day! Lols 

I watched a bit of TV, played a bit of solitaire, then listened to my book, I expected sleep .. instead I had sone weird hallucination! It was as though I was floating low near the ground, and all I could see was earth and rocks and faces there in... Was horrible, and my mind kept trying to see anything else, I was trying to think of something else to stop what I was seeing... Yet on and on I floated .. just earth and rocks and faces!! 

Then I slept, woke up, broke my glass, mopped that up, picked up glass! and couldn't sleep again!!

Tired today, but can't see sleep coming easy tonight..  its usually just lots of waking up and turning over like the ever turning kebab! Falling asleep is usually easy .. hate it when it's not.

All these photographs I took on November 5th 2018.. in Mathern where I was in a placement.. end of life care...

M.

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?

Rose Kennedy