Sunday, April 30, 2017

Who am I?

I am heavy hearted, sometimes my breathe catches in my throat as I fight the tears.

Away for five days, wonderful being with family, my granddaughter makes my soul sing, but within a heartbeat I am lost again without Franco... 

I must always be so ... with mundane bits and pieces and rubbish; at every turn is some non-sense I want to (need to), share with Franco.

Yet he was always interested in what crapola I had to say, albeit something of nothing, usually.

I felt the whole time I have been away from home that Franco is at home actually; and I am bereft not being able to contact him on touchdown at an airport, a messenger message or text, followed by the (always) phone call back when I'm on the coach or train, usually both...Franco filling me in on his journey back from Málaga airport, Pippa looking for me when he came in... Just the normal, just the mundane, just the love...

And at bed time, waking up time, all the... times...

The loss is real, it's physical, it's breaking me, heart body and soul...

How do people survive this?
I feel like I am me but not me anymore, the greater part has gone, changed, left this! what is the 'this' I now am? I don't know me anymore.

I've got a pain in my throat now as I fight back unshed tears, sitting here in departure lounge, with hundreds of people, many of whom don't know how lucky they are.

Sunday, April 16, 2017


I am sorry I have been unable to Blog, to gather my words...
I know we have many many people who are with us on this path, we have been, we are... very lucky, thank you all... but I need to tell you, its hard, its impossible for me to believe and writing is almost confirming something I do not want to be the truth.

My husband, my love, my life, my Franco... gave up his fight for life in this world on Saturday April 1st, I was with him for the ten days in hospital, thankfully for the last 36 hours in our own room, and therefore alone together with privacy, so although not home together, we were just us, and when Franco woke me up, and unfortunately I recognised our time together was coming to an end I held his hand, I talked, I kissed him, I talked of things we know between us, and Franco went on, without me...

I have made notes on my phone in moments when I could, so forgive randomness, (as usual I guess). I have added quotes by others marked with ***'s so this Blog is all over the place, as am I... I have also included some of the words I wrote and gave to the humanist speaker who spoke for us at Francos service on Wednesday April 5th.  Not the whole thing though or in order maybe even.  I used some of the beautiful words from comments and messages from Facebook.

From the Service:

Franco made the world a brighter and funnier place, for everyone around him.

Franco always had people smiling and laughing at work and out with family and friends...

... A great man
... So very missed
...a true gent, friend and all round great person
...very nice guy
...truly special, such a good man, dear friend
...well loved and will be greatly missed

Wife Marian, son Nicky, sister Maria and Gary, brother Tore and Susan, two step sons, Barry and Tony, his mother Pietrina, Granddaughter Cassie, Niece and Nephews, Natalie, Andrew, David and Nathan.

Franco loved life, always a great talker and always happy, positive.  Always ready and willing to help anyone.

Franco moved to Spain in the late 1990's, he met Marian and they married in Las Vegas in April 2004.

Living first down on the coast in Calahonda then moving into their home here in Alhaurín in 2005.

Franco enjoyed exploring his new country, the mountains, the lakes, the beaches.

He also enjoyed working on the house, painting and updating, building outdoor furniture and making a small garden, he loved his plants and loved going to the local garden centre to look around and have a coffee and bacon sandwich.

He became ill 14 months ago, but still continued to get out and about, visiting favourite places with Marian.

A strong character, Franco wouldn't give up and enjoyed making plans for them both, for the near and far future.

End of Service.

My sons came out as quickly as they could, and many of our close family.  The service was at our nearby chapel.  We went afterwards to our bar, Bar Cruz, we must have sat at every table and on each of those chairs over the past twelve years, eaten every meal and talked to all our friends there...

At the service, many of our friends came that could, amongst them - our neighbour from when we first knew each other down on the coast, to a new friend who had helped us recently, our neighbours here on our street... and the sun still shone, little knowing of the great loss we all share...

I am talking to Franco constantly now my sons have both gone, (I was calling them Franco), I have to keep him close, I can't live with the thought of him gone completely, and in the past few months Franco had said he believed now in an afterlife... He said he would stay with me, always.

He also said he would come back for me...

*** Never has love known such depth, as that felt through separation ***

Normality amongst the storm... Our car had its pre-ITV check on Thursday April 6th, and the ITV the following morning... Also on Friday morning, without the car and a plan of action ahead, Tony and I did what Franco wanted me to do immediately, he knew if I did not donate his clothes and shoes then, then I never would... he knows me well... Tony using head over heart on my behalf helped me... A few pieces I purposely have kept and another couple of things got missed (for me to keep), and I kept all of Francos T-shirts to cut and make into kitting yarn... once kitted into a throw I will keep those T-shirts forever.

I think I did a real good wool over people's eyes with thinking I am strong... More fool me!  Because people are telling me how strong I am being? Do they not see? They don't see me... its easier being stronger maybe when your talking to others... maybe, sometimes... sometimes not... maybe keeping busy, being out (sometimes), but inside, inside me and inside the house, or the car or walking the Pipster or or or... I am in pieces, broken... how have others survived this loss of their love? of their lifes plan, of their future path, their future road?

*** Words not said, thoughts un-voiced ***

Even though Franco and I always told each other our thoughts, and feelings, and wishes and dreams... and of our love for each other, we talked to each other non-stop lol... I am still left, as I knew I would be... with wishing I had said or done more... I know 100% Franco would say I did enough... but is enough really enough?

*** What we have done for ourselves dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal ***

Everything Franco has done, the energy surrounding these things... His energy lives on in it all, this keeps me feeling Franco is always here, all the stuff he did around our home, the chalk painting, the terrace furniture, the plants, us building the new bathroom cupboards and sink unit last year, building the bed, then having to shorten it!  Franco stuck in the wardrobe at the bottom of the stairs!!! His energy is all around me and Pip here.  And everywhere I go, Franco loved this country, this town, this countryside, I see him everywhere here, in my minds-eye, (and unfortunately in some of the people around me on occasion, in the distance.... but its not him.)

*** Thought is deeper than all speech;
Feeling deeper than all thought;
Souls to souls can never teach
What into themselves was taught ***

Loved filled every space between us... We always knew where the other was, near or far, and we loved each other across that distance...
(Franco had me tracked on Google maps... )

I also couldn't think of a title for this Blog, What title? End of the Road? Road closed until further notice? No, I've got it.... Detour... because one day we'll reach the end of the road together still, I know it.

But for now I can't go where Franco is, I can't reach him; I can only hope he can find me, and be with me...