Sunday, June 25, 2017

Empty...

Went to the coast on Friday to see friends we haven't seen since.. before.  I'm going to Gib. with them this coming week.

Yesterday was a noisy day with the purple churches celebrations, today is the last day. First rockets went off at 8am, and I finally managed to switch of flood light at 1am... Blah!!! Poor Pip in bathroom all day, didn't go to toilet after the morning walk, which we had to pause and hug throughout with the rockets!! And she was sick in the night... Today Pip wouldn't go out this morning... Thunder was forcast and it just started, followed by a few drops of rain, it's already stopped! The lovely smell of warm rain in the air.

Pictures from horse charity do last weekend, with friend I used to work with, brilliant afternoon, people and entertainment.




Stars that have already burnt out in our skies, they still shine brightly, their memory is still there for all to see... They glow as bright as ever...

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Horses!



Photographic post I must keep it light!

So! Prawn cocktail! Light on the prawns! Two of them! Lovely weekend visit from friend, in Mijas Pueblo, three course meal €7 and light on each plate! But enough for lunch... the company was the important part...


Keeping it light on the drinks too! Very hot day, Fuengirola in the morning and Mijas on way home.


How many photographs of the gardens have I taken over nearly thirty years! It's difficult to find a new angle!


Same goes for the chapel near the bar!


Horses the night before outside Bar Cruz!

More horses tomorrow if I post, very horsey weekend!

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Somebody told me today how well I look... Wasn't sure how to answer​ and thought​ better to say nothing...

My grief isn't on my body, down my arms or legs, it isn't written on my face in general conversation... Sat with sun glasses​ on I am surprised the person had any clue as to my thoughts or state of mind, my eyes hidden behind the tinted lenses...read my eyes, they're the window to my dying heart.

I am sure most people who pass me by don't stop in their tracks and think to shout out loud "OMG look at that woman, what the hell!!!"

I write this as I lay in bed, another night where the truth is killing me, where the reality is raw, while I cry and say out loud to Franco to come home... Please. Last night something on TV made me rush to Google a song title, got the wrong one... But listened and cried to it all the same, back to the 1970's... Bobby Goldsboro's

Honey..

...and Honey, I miss you
And I'm bein' good
And I'd love to be with you
If only I could..

I understand Franco even more so now, hating the nights, the quietness, the reality of life, when thoughts and feelings become more intense with the silence... What awful thoughts were going through his mind every night, and why he had to keep the TV on to block them out, I hated my thoughts then too, and still do.

I made a huge meal tonight, thinking I was making it for us... Why bother. I even took photographs to show Franco... 

Pippa hurt herself while I was away, because I was away, if I hadn't of been it wouldn't have happened, and I wouldn't have been if Franco was here... Now my poor Pip has lost a nail and nearly a second one, had to have x-rays, and pain meds, because we weren't here.

Thank god they didn't tell me, I don't know what I would have done, I don't know what I'll do.

While I was away, I was sending a message.... Saying what aunt Rita and I were doing, the last word in the sentence came out wrong and got sent without me touching 'send', then a big thumbs up popped up from me (!!!??) Followed by a 0, Op and please! All sent separately!! I hope that was Franco telling me he is okay...

Wish it would do it again...

Tried to sort out cables behind TV today, I would normally have done it, but not the fixing something to the wall bit of it. Also changed a lightbulb in the bathroom, more of a Franco job, he worried about me falling off the ladder, as well he might, and the bloody vertigo I have again made it that much more fun! I knew I was changing it today, but hung on just late enough that the house was getting gloomy! Like me! Then I changed some other electric cables about, just for fun!

I have to buy a new garden hose too, this one is losing more water from the tap than anywhere else!! 

Went shopping today, first Aldi, got most of our stuff, then thought I would go to Mercadona and just get the rest there and then! So double whammy of supermarket shopping! And that was after walking Pip, and walking to town and back... and Pip and I walked again later this evening! Never a dull moment.

It's late, it's hot and the ceiling fan is talking to me! No I have not 'completely' lost the plot! And you can Google it if you want! In fact let me do it!! Apophenia lol... I must add that to my misaphonia and face-making Greek name on my Twitter!! By the by don't let the title 'hearing loss' stop you from reading the very interesting subject...

I'll post this now while my brain works out what words I'm hearing from the fan until I have to turn it off because as always, it keeps changing its mind!!




Saturday, June 10, 2017

Homeward Bound


Three years ago today Franco Barry and I arrived here in New York, we dropped off bags at aunt Ritas then went into the city for a few days, on June 10th we scattered moms ashes near to where she grew up, in the place where she and my dad visited, laughed loved and grew together... I want to go home, but I want to stay, either way I want what can't be... and I feel sick to my stomach as realisation hits me like a punch...

Three years ago, what changes, who could of predicted... no one knows what's ahead, tomorrow is unknown. I could see Franco around aunt Ritas house, (in my mind's eye!), which gave me comfort feeling him near... Now we're going home...

So!! We went out for dinner this early evening before I had to leave... An Italian restaurants, Anthony's on Union Turnpike... Wonderful food! The best company, family... Thank you...

And here I am at JFK, at the gate, it's just gone ten in the evening, we leave at eleven thirty and back into Málaga for nearly one pm! Sounds like a long flight with the six hours jump ahead! Then it'll be car, Pippa and home home home.

Adio America... See you again soon!

Thursday, June 08, 2017

I'm so sorry for my awful post last night, night is always the worse of times, no "good-night" no messages (if I'm away), no nothing, nada.  I slept bad a night of horror's, and trying hard to keep it together, tried to skim through fb, it has so many things to remind me...

So photographs eh..  yesterday we went to a German strawberry fest down at Plattdeutsche Park, was a great few hours, there was the strawberries and cake and fresh cream...


There was apple cake too, and coffee..


Probably about 600 people... An enormous raffle, I had planned on winning the Afgan throw, but another lady on our table won it! My intentions went array...


Well this is great, just said good night to my aunt, into bed, doing my rounds of solitaire and I'm panicking bad, bad bad... and I can't go down and upset her, and I'm writing here to people either asleep or waking up or no-one...

It's I've just realized I can't cope with our birthdays yet I'm not ready, I can't I can't I can't.

Monday, June 05, 2017

Old Westbury Gardens

Photographs as promised, from Saturday at Old Westbury Gardens...

My aunt, one of her daughter's and two granddaughters and me...

Beautiful day...






We had a lovely sunny day, even a little chipmunk was about, I thought he was a carved woodland creature on a post, until he started nibbling on something in his 'hands' 'paws'?

Yesterday family came down to see us, from all around which was so wonderful of every one of them... I feel like a right pain, when I visit everyone always tries to make it to where I am staying, and I am so thankful... always...

Sunday, June 04, 2017

Shared Path

Sorry, just more words today, at this time, morning time alone with my thoughts and you know where I am, down in a dark place, let me write now, I am full of thoughts, I will post photographs later...

You know, if I don't stop and I don't think then nothing has changed, it is as it was, and I can see-speak-message-call, have Franco in my arms again and then and then.. bam! the world comes into focus, the gears shift and grind to a halt and dam reality kicks me...

Those quotes I used to share every single day on Facebook, which now seem empty useless words... Yesterday's was all about focusing on what you want and bringing it to you! Ha! Really! It's not working, it can't, it's impossible now.

I am thinking about what I want to tell, yell, scream at everyone, live like there truly is no tomorrow, love laugh breathe... Enjoy remember, above all feel the memories, imprint them, down to your very soul... Because tomorrow isn't a given... Always be so amazingly thankful to those you love, and I mean tell them! Not on fb etc, tell them for real, because in a heartbeat they will be gone; we get cross, we argue, some might shout and scream, but always close the day with loving words and a gentle touch.

My tomorrow has radically changed, the road Franco and I walked hand in hand is closed. Barricaded, darkness beyond... My tomorrow is off down an adjacent pathway now, it'll curve around and meet up with my Franco later, I know... but, I can't​ reach his hand to hold mine, and I don't know if I can do it, this path.  I was always the girl who forged new paths, always went my own way, but for fourteen years it was a shared path, a shared road, and we, Franco and I, believed it would be us together walking it forever into our old age.. 

Friday, June 02, 2017

The Road Home


So tomatoes! That's all I give you! Sorry, not taken my phone out very much for photos!

But, tomatoes it is, and they're wrapped in their own little shrugs of their own, never seen the like of them before...

I need to go back I guess, to bring you up-to-date I mean! So,, to Málaga airport, dropped the car off, went to the Delta desk, lots of security, good to see... Lots of questions etc, took about an hour to work my way through, then through security and into departures... I had a ten Euro ticket to pick up some lunch courtesy of Delta as our flight was two hours late; I got a call in the morning at home!

I had a wander about after my Burger! I know I know! But it was Francos favourite place so I was drawn there, and the check came to exactly ten Euros! Cool!

The rest was as per norm... And once boarded I got comfy in my seat, sharing the three seats in the centre with no one else! Once in flight I stretched out! I listened to a couple of movies, they helped me sleep, a little.. Had dinner first, then ice cream, then an hour and half before landing we had sandwiches!

Landed and then the real fun began!?! Long lines for immigration, machines where you had place your passport, have your photograph taken, finger prints... Then through to an immigration officer, then bag collection, mine appeared as I got to the conveyor... Then line up to bring your bag through and past another officer, then out! Into a cab, who got lost, and a twenty minute ride took an hour or more, and twice the cost!! And here I am in Queens New York.

Anyway! I arrived!! That was Friday!
And Saturday we went to a cousins graduation party, lots of family, lots of people I hadn't met, and jet lag kicking in!! Blah!!

We, my aunt Rita and I, spent a night at one of her daughter's, who was baby sitting two of her grandchildren, one little'un of each daughters... Not sure if we helped or hindered! Especially the next day before we were picked up!

Today we went to a centre near here while my aunt played cards and helped with the drinks and snacks, I chatted and read my book, finished my book, The Keeper of Lost Things... Great book I'll definitely read again. Every movie I see or book I read these days, they all seem so relevant to me.

Before we went out we pulled some weeds out front, I came out in a nice rash! Put on some of the bite cream I bought out with me, it helped, it was gone anyway by the time we were home again.

I am keeping my mind busy, we're talking and watching TV, keeping busy is keeping my thoughts at bay... If only for a few moments... Because as soon as I am left alone in my head it all falls down around me... Aunt Rita came down too early the other morning and caught me in tears, Franco is but a heartbeat away, always with me, although I'm not talking out loud to him while I'm in company, they'll have me locked up! But technology means Franco is here on my phone as soon as I touch it, our messages, our photographs, our life.

Someone put the song from Dirty Dancing on Facebook, I reposted and added my thoughts, my hope... That Franco knew that "I had the time of my life... and I owe it all to you" Franco... I hope he knew.

I had a strange occurrence the other night, as I was about to close my eyes I thought I could see faces, one was Francos face, I saw heads and shoulders of people just floating really, up near the ceiling appearing to be talking to each other, I didn't hear them! Lol I know crazy looney bird!

I'll try and take photographs tomorrow, I'll try and remember.