Sunday, June 25, 2017

Empty...

Went to the coast on Friday to see friends we haven't seen since.. before.  I'm going to Gib. with them this coming week.

Yesterday was a noisy day with the purple churches celebrations, today is the last day. First rockets went off at 8am, and I finally managed to switch of flood light at 1am... Blah!!! Poor Pip in bathroom all day, didn't go to toilet after the morning walk, which we had to pause and hug throughout with the rockets!! And she was sick in the night... Today Pip wouldn't go out this morning... Thunder was forcast and it just started, followed by a few drops of rain, it's already stopped! The lovely smell of warm rain in the air.

Pictures from horse charity do last weekend, with friend I used to work with, brilliant afternoon, people and entertainment.




Stars that have already burnt out in our skies, they still shine brightly, their memory is still there for all to see... They glow as bright as ever...

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Horses!



Photographic post I must keep it light!

So! Prawn cocktail! Light on the prawns! Two of them! Lovely weekend visit from friend, in Mijas Pueblo, three course meal €7 and light on each plate! But enough for lunch... the company was the important part...


Keeping it light on the drinks too! Very hot day, Fuengirola in the morning and Mijas on way home.


How many photographs of the gardens have I taken over nearly thirty years! It's difficult to find a new angle!


Same goes for the chapel near the bar!


Horses the night before outside Bar Cruz!

More horses tomorrow if I post, very horsey weekend!

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Somebody told me today how well I look... Wasn't sure how to answer​ and thought​ better to say nothing...

My grief isn't on my body, down my arms or legs, it isn't written on my face in general conversation... Sat with sun glasses​ on I am surprised the person had any clue as to my thoughts or state of mind, my eyes hidden behind the tinted lenses...read my eyes, they're the window to my dying heart.

I am sure most people who pass me by don't stop in their tracks and think to shout out loud "OMG look at that woman, what the hell!!!"

I write this as I lay in bed, another night where the truth is killing me, where the reality is raw, while I cry and say out loud to Franco to come home... Please. Last night something on TV made me rush to Google a song title, got the wrong one... But listened and cried to it all the same, back to the 1970's... Bobby Goldsboro's

Honey..

...and Honey, I miss you
And I'm bein' good
And I'd love to be with you
If only I could..

I understand Franco even more so now, hating the nights, the quietness, the reality of life, when thoughts and feelings become more intense with the silence... What awful thoughts were going through his mind every night, and why he had to keep the TV on to block them out, I hated my thoughts then too, and still do.

I made a huge meal tonight, thinking I was making it for us... Why bother. I even took photographs to show Franco... 

Pippa hurt herself while I was away, because I was away, if I hadn't of been it wouldn't have happened, and I wouldn't have been if Franco was here... Now my poor Pip has lost a nail and nearly a second one, had to have x-rays, and pain meds, because we weren't here.

Thank god they didn't tell me, I don't know what I would have done, I don't know what I'll do.

While I was away, I was sending a message.... Saying what aunt Rita and I were doing, the last word in the sentence came out wrong and got sent without me touching 'send', then a big thumbs up popped up from me (!!!??) Followed by a 0, Op and please! All sent separately!! I hope that was Franco telling me he is okay...

Wish it would do it again...

Tried to sort out cables behind TV today, I would normally have done it, but not the fixing something to the wall bit of it. Also changed a lightbulb in the bathroom, more of a Franco job, he worried about me falling off the ladder, as well he might, and the bloody vertigo I have again made it that much more fun! I knew I was changing it today, but hung on just late enough that the house was getting gloomy! Like me! Then I changed some other electric cables about, just for fun!

I have to buy a new garden hose too, this one is losing more water from the tap than anywhere else!! 

Went shopping today, first Aldi, got most of our stuff, then thought I would go to Mercadona and just get the rest there and then! So double whammy of supermarket shopping! And that was after walking Pip, and walking to town and back... and Pip and I walked again later this evening! Never a dull moment.

It's late, it's hot and the ceiling fan is talking to me! No I have not 'completely' lost the plot! And you can Google it if you want! In fact let me do it!! Apophenia lol... I must add that to my misaphonia and face-making Greek name on my Twitter!! By the by don't let the title 'hearing loss' stop you from reading the very interesting subject...

I'll post this now while my brain works out what words I'm hearing from the fan until I have to turn it off because as always, it keeps changing its mind!!




Saturday, June 10, 2017

Homeward Bound


Three years ago today Franco Barry and I arrived here in New York, we dropped off bags at aunt Ritas then went into the city for a few days, on June 10th we scattered moms ashes near to where she grew up, in the place where she and my dad visited, laughed loved and grew together... I want to go home, but I want to stay, either way I want what can't be... and I feel sick to my stomach as realisation hits me like a punch...

Three years ago, what changes, who could of predicted... no one knows what's ahead, tomorrow is unknown. I could see Franco around aunt Ritas house, (in my mind's eye!), which gave me comfort feeling him near... Now we're going home...

So!! We went out for dinner this early evening before I had to leave... An Italian restaurants, Anthony's on Union Turnpike... Wonderful food! The best company, family... Thank you...

And here I am at JFK, at the gate, it's just gone ten in the evening, we leave at eleven thirty and back into Málaga for nearly one pm! Sounds like a long flight with the six hours jump ahead! Then it'll be car, Pippa and home home home.

Adio America... See you again soon!

Thursday, June 08, 2017

I'm so sorry for my awful post last night, night is always the worse of times, no "good-night" no messages (if I'm away), no nothing, nada.  I slept bad a night of horror's, and trying hard to keep it together, tried to skim through fb, it has so many things to remind me...

So photographs eh..  yesterday we went to a German strawberry fest down at Plattdeutsche Park, was a great few hours, there was the strawberries and cake and fresh cream...


There was apple cake too, and coffee..


Probably about 600 people... An enormous raffle, I had planned on winning the Afgan throw, but another lady on our table won it! My intentions went array...


Well this is great, just said good night to my aunt, into bed, doing my rounds of solitaire and I'm panicking bad, bad bad... and I can't go down and upset her, and I'm writing here to people either asleep or waking up or no-one...

It's I've just realized I can't cope with our birthdays yet I'm not ready, I can't I can't I can't.

Monday, June 05, 2017

Old Westbury Gardens

Photographs as promised, from Saturday at Old Westbury Gardens...

My aunt, one of her daughter's and two granddaughters and me...

Beautiful day...






We had a lovely sunny day, even a little chipmunk was about, I thought he was a carved woodland creature on a post, until he started nibbling on something in his 'hands' 'paws'?

Yesterday family came down to see us, from all around which was so wonderful of every one of them... I feel like a right pain, when I visit everyone always tries to make it to where I am staying, and I am so thankful... always...

Sunday, June 04, 2017

Shared Path

Sorry, just more words today, at this time, morning time alone with my thoughts and you know where I am, down in a dark place, let me write now, I am full of thoughts, I will post photographs later...

You know, if I don't stop and I don't think then nothing has changed, it is as it was, and I can see-speak-message-call, have Franco in my arms again and then and then.. bam! the world comes into focus, the gears shift and grind to a halt and dam reality kicks me...

Those quotes I used to share every single day on Facebook, which now seem empty useless words... Yesterday's was all about focusing on what you want and bringing it to you! Ha! Really! It's not working, it can't, it's impossible now.

I am thinking about what I want to tell, yell, scream at everyone, live like there truly is no tomorrow, love laugh breathe... Enjoy remember, above all feel the memories, imprint them, down to your very soul... Because tomorrow isn't a given... Always be so amazingly thankful to those you love, and I mean tell them! Not on fb etc, tell them for real, because in a heartbeat they will be gone; we get cross, we argue, some might shout and scream, but always close the day with loving words and a gentle touch.

My tomorrow has radically changed, the road Franco and I walked hand in hand is closed. Barricaded, darkness beyond... My tomorrow is off down an adjacent pathway now, it'll curve around and meet up with my Franco later, I know... but, I can't​ reach his hand to hold mine, and I don't know if I can do it, this path.  I was always the girl who forged new paths, always went my own way, but for fourteen years it was a shared path, a shared road, and we, Franco and I, believed it would be us together walking it forever into our old age.. 

Friday, June 02, 2017

The Road Home


So tomatoes! That's all I give you! Sorry, not taken my phone out very much for photos!

But, tomatoes it is, and they're wrapped in their own little shrugs of their own, never seen the like of them before...

I need to go back I guess, to bring you up-to-date I mean! So,, to Málaga airport, dropped the car off, went to the Delta desk, lots of security, good to see... Lots of questions etc, took about an hour to work my way through, then through security and into departures... I had a ten Euro ticket to pick up some lunch courtesy of Delta as our flight was two hours late; I got a call in the morning at home!

I had a wander about after my Burger! I know I know! But it was Francos favourite place so I was drawn there, and the check came to exactly ten Euros! Cool!

The rest was as per norm... And once boarded I got comfy in my seat, sharing the three seats in the centre with no one else! Once in flight I stretched out! I listened to a couple of movies, they helped me sleep, a little.. Had dinner first, then ice cream, then an hour and half before landing we had sandwiches!

Landed and then the real fun began!?! Long lines for immigration, machines where you had place your passport, have your photograph taken, finger prints... Then through to an immigration officer, then bag collection, mine appeared as I got to the conveyor... Then line up to bring your bag through and past another officer, then out! Into a cab, who got lost, and a twenty minute ride took an hour or more, and twice the cost!! And here I am in Queens New York.

Anyway! I arrived!! That was Friday!
And Saturday we went to a cousins graduation party, lots of family, lots of people I hadn't met, and jet lag kicking in!! Blah!!

We, my aunt Rita and I, spent a night at one of her daughter's, who was baby sitting two of her grandchildren, one little'un of each daughters... Not sure if we helped or hindered! Especially the next day before we were picked up!

Today we went to a centre near here while my aunt played cards and helped with the drinks and snacks, I chatted and read my book, finished my book, The Keeper of Lost Things... Great book I'll definitely read again. Every movie I see or book I read these days, they all seem so relevant to me.

Before we went out we pulled some weeds out front, I came out in a nice rash! Put on some of the bite cream I bought out with me, it helped, it was gone anyway by the time we were home again.

I am keeping my mind busy, we're talking and watching TV, keeping busy is keeping my thoughts at bay... If only for a few moments... Because as soon as I am left alone in my head it all falls down around me... Aunt Rita came down too early the other morning and caught me in tears, Franco is but a heartbeat away, always with me, although I'm not talking out loud to him while I'm in company, they'll have me locked up! But technology means Franco is here on my phone as soon as I touch it, our messages, our photographs, our life.

Someone put the song from Dirty Dancing on Facebook, I reposted and added my thoughts, my hope... That Franco knew that "I had the time of my life... and I owe it all to you" Franco... I hope he knew.

I had a strange occurrence the other night, as I was about to close my eyes I thought I could see faces, one was Francos face, I saw heads and shoulders of people just floating really, up near the ceiling appearing to be talking to each other, I didn't hear them! Lol I know crazy looney bird!

I'll try and take photographs tomorrow, I'll try and remember.


Thursday, May 25, 2017

Beetle attack!

Okay... I have had a bereavement chat with a lady down at Cudeca... they don't have meetings for English speakers down there and I do not have sufficient Spanish to join therefore!

So I just talked, and talked... and well talked!  Explained just about most of everything I am feeling, and although she said I am basically having normal thoughts and feelings, that maybe I should make an appointment with my doctor for medication!?!  Not a route I want to take.

So, its normal!!?? It's normal to feel I've lost my whole world, it's normal to feel this complete and utter devastation... This feeling of nothing, blackness, emptiness... No meaning to life... Is normal!

Hey, I'm normal, no-one calls ME normal!!

And I have decided, apart from this and that as it happens or  I just do my normal rambling, I am going to try to just post just stuff... try not to get myself or others feeling bad... 

Before I do begin to not upset further... I am so sorry to say with a sad and heavier heart... that Francos mom has passed away... the only small light I see is when Pietrina 'arrived'... there her husband, and two of her boys!  And she would have given them a right ear bashing as to why they were there ahead of her!  I wish Franco was here, that he could have been with his family at this time...

And now... Stuff, just stuff.... 
A friend came to stay for a few days!

Jewel Beetle
This big beetle above, totally freaked me out last week, our visitor camera in hand at all times, got a fantastic shot of him!

But to tell the tale as it was, we were sitting in Ronda, having a cold drink and I could feel something tickle my back, I moved a bit in case it was just my hair, then still feeling something there I knocked this thing off me with a click onto the ground! Small scream at this point, then relief it was off me and on the ground!  But he kept on trying to fly and knocking into chairs or parasols... and just couldn't take off!  I told my friend it was going to come back to me, that it was wanting to get back on me!! A few barmen had check it out, just so they knew it wasn't a roach really I guess!

Anyway, he did make it back to me! I knew it! He buzzed up to my head, I didn't know if he was in my hair or what! I flung off my sunglasses and felt something still on my temple, not my sunglasses! and putting my hand back to my face there he was on my face!!!! I just knocked him off me... he fell with another clicky noise onto the ground again!  At which point a couple of guys killed him!!! One tried with his foot, another with a chair leg, I couldn't look! He hadn't hurt me!  But apparently I had screamed really badly that second time, lots of waiters appearing out onto the street, thinking someone had been attacked maybe!!

Poor thing... oh and by the by his Latin name is Calcophora Mariana!


At a bar in town, Pil Pil... and stuffed peppers! A glass of wine!


The Pompidou centre in Málaga, cool white balloons!


By the old bridge in Ronda.


The great Teba fortress!  A bit disappointing, but only for me, my friend said as she had never been there before it was amazing! Of course because we had been there before, Franco Tony and I, it had been open on all floors including the roof where we ventured up and out, I took photographs of course! and the lower floors had holes in them, it was dangerous, it was risky, it was exciting!  Now there is a guide, well, someone taking money and telling a bit about the fortress...


There is glass in the what was empty windows!  Glass is okay, I mean it stops people falling out! But come on! At least clean the glass please!  All the windows could be opened and cleaned inside safely, just a small lock on the inside on each one, so would be quick and easy to do each day... not open every day, so we were lucky to go the day we did!  There is also a balcony, which would have at least enabled good dust free photos... but it was also locked!

There was a celler that had been cleaned up and had information on the walls, as did the next floor, where we entered, and the floor above, and one above that! Lots of pictures on the walls of medieval men and maps etc... Trouble was it was just commercialised to me now... But as I say, my friend loved it!

Tomorrow I am off to the states, to stay with my aunt in Queens, NY... Can't wait, and Franco was with me last time we went, three years almost exactly, the day I return, is the date that we arrived last time, also with Barry, and we scattered my moms ashes...

I'm all packed, ready to go!  I decided this evening to defrost and leave empty the freezer, maybe not a great move so late in the day, could have done yesterday, or the day before!!! Would have been better and not so rushed as I slipped about on the marble tile with my rubber flip-flops! Still the doorway stopped me from falling a couple of times, and I can do the splits now!

Last night the feria started here in town, friends asked me to pop down to see the festivities, although they came long after I had got home!  And as I sat there at Bar Cruz I remembered last opening evening, Franco and I sitting at a bar opposite with friends, eating and having a coffee... and Franco wasn't well... and on the Saturday, we met with friends again and walked about a bit, but Franco was very tired... and now I am sad and going to shut this lap top up...

I'll be posting photos and bits from NY next time amigos... thank you all for hanging on in here with me, sometimes I don't feel like I am going to make it on my own, but then I remember I'm not alone...


Tuesday, May 09, 2017


Went to clinico this morning, second time this week, third time to do my yearly health cover forms, no-one knew what to do, again! Next year I'll wait till I see the woman I know can do them! And it's really only another nine or ten times maybe... still done now until next January.

Yesterday I went down to Fuengirola again, quiet when the shops are closed, mostly closed... but it was nice wandering around and I had a coffee in Luizs' bar, of course.

And tomorrow I'm going down to Calahonda to meet with our old neighbour again for a coffee, I'll pop into Aldi on the way home maybe! Such choice, such exciting prospect!

Today when I came home from town, a TV crew were outside our house, again, was only about a year ago when 'Living in the sun, winter sun' were in a couple of houses down from ours, and a couple of months at the most it was on TV a friend of mine messaged me to tell me, which was lucky or we'd have missed​ it! They were in the house for ages, the possible new owner said the second bedroom was too small, and 'they' suggested building up and making the rooftop into a terrace and with an extra bedroom!! Hey!! NO!! We only get the sun in the summer as it is! Block it out all year and I'll be real angry and blocking the idea!!

Movie, City of Angels, just sitting down to watch this, the angel says to another angel that he asked a little girl he accompanied through to the next... Life? Phase? anyway, he asked her her favourite thing? She said PJs... Mine will be touch... Touch of hands, of a hug, of the body you love in bed next to you... The touch of wind on your face, of cool rain on your skin... Of your pets fur as you pet and snuggle him or her...

I think maybe this isn't the best movie to be watching, I know, I hear you! But I've walked Pip twice, walked to clinico then town...

I've eaten, washed up, cleaned... Nothing is left, I'm not sleeping well now either, things niggling in my mind like... they do.

I've decided I'm either bad or worse now, so bad days are better than the worse ones.


Sunday, May 07, 2017

Lost Road .


To be blatantly honest, I don't know what to write, only that I must write.

I must say something for my friends who are sharing my journey...

And this is ultimately also my feeling on waking this morning... Just replace the word 'write' for 'do' maybe.

I eat, I walk to town & meet with friends, I go for walks, I clean the house, and me!... I watch Netflix the rest of the day. Why? What for?

I just feel, something, or rather nothing but sad.

And our poor Pippa is still suffering from the dam rocket fire, throughout this week, Monday May day, then it's also been Dia de la Cruz, although not so much a day, the whole week, I thought Wednesdays explosion of fireworks next to our perimeter fence was the final! But yesterday the rockets started again, then the bands and the marching and more intermittent rocket fire. I shut us in the back bedroom and turned up the music; I think they may have come past our house, didn't get the light if they did.

I was not aware of any celebration in town, must have missed the flyer!

Pippa has only gone for two walks in last six days, we've left the house and she has turned to the left then to the right, then back to our door, and only by me picking her up has she even gone on the terrace, I am having to shut her out, which has been awful for both of us, but if I don't she doesn't pee etc! A dog 'going' once in 24hrs is not healthy.

This morning on the terrace, while Pippa stood cowering by the back door, I watched the swallows, one group were flying in a distinct pattern, between the street, an ally and someones' back terrace which was very narrow, they had been doing the same acrobatic route a dozen times, when one bird missed the narrow terrace, to avoid the wall and then turned to look for his group and rejoin... I waited, but the whole group had dispersed!

One bird had effected the whole group, and he hadn't been upfront, he was way way back, and seemingly minding his own business!

I drove to Fuengirola on Thursday, walked and had a coffee, and cried while I walked.

Today, this morning, I'll drive to La Trocha and go to the car boot sale there.  Franco and I didn't go every week, always the same stuff.

Tomorrow I have to go to local SS in Coín to take some paperwork in, then the doctors here in Alhaurín to change yet more paperwork.

Just seems my word of the day is 'why' why bother, what for? Although I don't feel ready for work, maybe once I am back and supporting someone else I will get some reasons back for my 'why' what for?'





Sunday, April 30, 2017

Who am I?

I am heavy hearted, sometimes my breathe catches in my throat as I fight the tears.

Away for five days, wonderful being with family, my granddaughter makes my soul sing, but within a heartbeat I am lost again without Franco... 

I must always be so ... with mundane bits and pieces and rubbish; at every turn is some non-sense I want to (need to), share with Franco.

Yet he was always interested in what crapola I had to say, albeit something of nothing, usually.

I felt the whole time I have been away from home that Franco is at home actually; and I am bereft not being able to contact him on touchdown at an airport, a messenger message or text, followed by the (always) phone call back when I'm on the coach or train, usually both...Franco filling me in on his journey back from Málaga airport, Pippa looking for me when he came in... Just the normal, just the mundane, just the love...

And at bed time, waking up time, all the... times...

The loss is real, it's physical, it's breaking me, heart body and soul...

How do people survive this?
I feel like I am me but not me anymore, the greater part has gone, changed, left this! what is the 'this' I now am? I don't know me anymore.

I've got a pain in my throat now as I fight back unshed tears, sitting here in departure lounge, with hundreds of people, many of whom don't know how lucky they are.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Detour...

I am sorry I have been unable to Blog, to gather my words...
I know we have many many people who are with us on this path, we have been, we are... very lucky, thank you all... but I need to tell you, its hard, its impossible for me to believe and writing is almost confirming something I do not want to be the truth.

My husband, my love, my life, my Franco... gave up his fight for life in this world on Saturday April 1st, I was with him for the ten days in hospital, thankfully for the last 36 hours in our own room, and therefore alone together with privacy, so although not home together, we were just us, and when Franco woke me up, and unfortunately I recognised our time together was coming to an end I held his hand, I talked, I kissed him, I talked of things we know between us, and Franco went on, without me...

I have made notes on my phone in moments when I could, so forgive randomness, (as usual I guess). I have added quotes by others marked with ***'s so this Blog is all over the place, as am I... I have also included some of the words I wrote and gave to the humanist speaker who spoke for us at Francos service on Wednesday April 5th.  Not the whole thing though or in order maybe even.  I used some of the beautiful words from comments and messages from Facebook.

From the Service:

Franco made the world a brighter and funnier place, for everyone around him.

Franco always had people smiling and laughing at work and out with family and friends...

Mentions:
... A great man
... So very missed
...a true gent, friend and all round great person
...very nice guy
...truly special, such a good man, dear friend
...well loved and will be greatly missed

Wife Marian, son Nicky, sister Maria and Gary, brother Tore and Susan, two step sons, Barry and Tony, his mother Pietrina, Granddaughter Cassie, Niece and Nephews, Natalie, Andrew, David and Nathan.

Franco loved life, always a great talker and always happy, positive.  Always ready and willing to help anyone.

Franco moved to Spain in the late 1990's, he met Marian and they married in Las Vegas in April 2004.

Living first down on the coast in Calahonda then moving into their home here in Alhaurín in 2005.

Franco enjoyed exploring his new country, the mountains, the lakes, the beaches.

He also enjoyed working on the house, painting and updating, building outdoor furniture and making a small garden, he loved his plants and loved going to the local garden centre to look around and have a coffee and bacon sandwich.

He became ill 14 months ago, but still continued to get out and about, visiting favourite places with Marian.

A strong character, Franco wouldn't give up and enjoyed making plans for them both, for the near and far future.

End of Service.

My sons came out as quickly as they could, and many of our close family.  The service was at our nearby chapel.  We went afterwards to our bar, Bar Cruz, we must have sat at every table and on each of those chairs over the past twelve years, eaten every meal and talked to all our friends there...

At the service, many of our friends came that could, amongst them - our neighbour from when we first knew each other down on the coast, to a new friend who had helped us recently, our neighbours here on our street... and the sun still shone, little knowing of the great loss we all share...

I am talking to Franco constantly now my sons have both gone, (I was calling them Franco), I have to keep him close, I can't live with the thought of him gone completely, and in the past few months Franco had said he believed now in an afterlife... He said he would stay with me, always.

He also said he would come back for me...

*** Never has love known such depth, as that felt through separation ***

Normality amongst the storm... Our car had its pre-ITV check on Thursday April 6th, and the ITV the following morning... Also on Friday morning, without the car and a plan of action ahead, Tony and I did what Franco wanted me to do immediately, he knew if I did not donate his clothes and shoes then, then I never would... he knows me well... Tony using head over heart on my behalf helped me... A few pieces I purposely have kept and another couple of things got missed (for me to keep), and I kept all of Francos T-shirts to cut and make into kitting yarn... once kitted into a throw I will keep those T-shirts forever.

I think I did a real good wool over people's eyes with thinking I am strong... More fool me!  Because people are telling me how strong I am being? Do they not see? They don't see me... its easier being stronger maybe when your talking to others... maybe, sometimes... sometimes not... maybe keeping busy, being out (sometimes), but inside, inside me and inside the house, or the car or walking the Pipster or or or... I am in pieces, broken... how have others survived this loss of their love? of their lifes plan, of their future path, their future road?

*** Words not said, thoughts un-voiced ***

Even though Franco and I always told each other our thoughts, and feelings, and wishes and dreams... and of our love for each other, we talked to each other non-stop lol... I am still left, as I knew I would be... with wishing I had said or done more... I know 100% Franco would say I did enough... but is enough really enough?

*** What we have done for ourselves dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal ***

Everything Franco has done, the energy surrounding these things... His energy lives on in it all, this keeps me feeling Franco is always here, all the stuff he did around our home, the chalk painting, the terrace furniture, the plants, us building the new bathroom cupboards and sink unit last year, building the bed, then having to shorten it!  Franco stuck in the wardrobe at the bottom of the stairs!!! His energy is all around me and Pip here.  And everywhere I go, Franco loved this country, this town, this countryside, I see him everywhere here, in my minds-eye, (and unfortunately in some of the people around me on occasion, in the distance.... but its not him.)

*** Thought is deeper than all speech;
Feeling deeper than all thought;
Souls to souls can never teach
What into themselves was taught ***




Loved filled every space between us... We always knew where the other was, near or far, and we loved each other across that distance...
(Franco had me tracked on Google maps... )

I also couldn't think of a title for this Blog, What title? End of the Road? Road closed until further notice? No, I've got it.... Detour... because one day we'll reach the end of the road together still, I know it.

But for now I can't go where Franco is, I can't reach him; I can only hope he can find me, and be with me...




Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The Shared Road - A week in Málaga!



On what goes on here really, not much! It's just Eat Meds Sleep...Sounds like a boring bar.. 'EMS' come for the food and drugs, sleep it off on the premises!

It was Mother's Day in the UK last Sunday; I remember so few really, memories do that... I remember eating in an Italian place in Berkhamsted with my boys and one of their girls... and mom, and receiving a beautiful bracelet they had bought for me, it was either 2001 or 2002... Unfortunately I remember the one that took place between my mom passing and her cremation vividly. Franco and I spent the day with Tony and Kate, we went to Silverstone and Kate tore around that track, on foot! It was cold, the wind was bitter, and the stands were uncovered for the winter! and my heart was frozen...

Then this year.... my heart... Oh! Take my meds!! ✓ Lol... Yes mom, your parting gift, my broken heart, don't think these meds will keep it from shattering now into a billion pieces. And I will remember us being here in Málaga hospital...

...We can't ever cover up bad memories with good another time, we can only try to make sure we keep the good ones upper most in our minds, and keep making more? How? I know I will, which makes me sadder still, but I've always been a firm believer that we carry those we love and have lost with us at all times and they share what we see through our eyes... (am I stupid...? Don't answer me on that!).

And I am now constantly trying to tell myself... These are not the memories to cling to, the past fourteen months while Franco has been getting sicker and sicker... none of this time has been memory making time... Yes we've had some good days..  Sons wedding! Barry and Heidi... Little Cassie beautiful day.. although Francos absence in 99.9% of the photographs speaks volumes... Even our much wanted sleepover in Málaga, dogged by how Franco was feeling and being unable to even get to the nearby port, one of Francos favorites spots. But all the way through this whole time it's been a rush here or there, pain, doctors appointments, scans, more rushing and more illness, more pain... Every trip out, even to a local supermarket, all the way back to December before last... and before that, back in UK, Franco visited the doctor, first time in fourteen years... Other than a broken leg and stitch or two! Vitamin D definency and 'you need to see a physio'... er NO!!! Wrong!!! It was stomach and back pain... First signs...

Our wonderful Christmas lunch at the Kiosko, I don't want to remember that as much as our thousands of trips up to those lakes and the Kings Walk... When we were living our dream... and now, that's probably the last time we will have gone there... I would rather in retrospect not gone... But Franco wanted to, so that's how I will remember, and remember I will.

Franco did go down to the surgery yesterday, and came out again with the catheter in place still, it had needed adjustment, it was, and we were back in the room by lunchtime!

Our neighbour has gone and his kind and generous family with him! We have been left with the essentials, water, chocolate and cake! An invite to their shop in Arriate, a favorite village of ours but never stopped for meat before! Next time! I went a bit loco and Tweeted and Facebook'd and G+ their shop!! Seriously good genuine people... and can only repay them by sharing their information...

We are presently enjoying a peaceful time in an unshared room... A little too quiet, but won't push our luck! We're sure a whole bunch of people in observation are awaiting a bed for the night, so come one come all, new friends to make! More Spanish to practice!

A nice couple have arrived, he is being settled in now by his wife, sampling the first rate three course dinner and in-house facilities!  (This should not be taken in a sarcastic manner.)

I don't know what I would do without my family and friends, even complete strangers sometimes, going out of their way at this time in our lives... angels without wings I've said it before, and still today...

I also know I have some inbuilt safety thing, an innate self something or other... Even as sad as bad as depressed as bottom of the pit of life I feel right now when I went into the visitors toilet in front of half a dozen men seated outside I had the urge to come out and do a funny 'dance off stage' dance thing... I didn't!

But that spark that tiny flame that still burns in my very being still fueled my soul of life, of life of living... and I feel guilty... because of that, and even though all I can see is only darkness and dark days and a blank page a 'this road is closed' sign...

And it's not right, we have preset memories in-waiting in place of stuff we want to do, places on our list to visit, a whole package of up-to and after retirement to un-pack! I'm angry!


Monday, March 27, 2017

The Shared Road - Long dark night

Last night I have been reminded once more that we hurt those we love the most...

Sharing a room with only one other as we do here, we witnessed a son suffer his poorly father's wrath, a strong dialect but I could still fully understand the meaning and the swear words... Both of them getting more and more upset by the other, until neither were listening, just both trying to be heard... if you get my drift...

It's only 07:22 now as I write, shattered, and just realised it's more like 06:22 due to the time change, later here in Europe than back 'home' in the states... Europe catching up as usual, all a little bit too late!

It's a strange world, living here temporarily... You get used to the routine, the comings and goings... Some goings a bit too permanent and a shock reminder of how fragile our lives are... A man who had voiced his thoughts next door for a few nights, exited yesterday and left a noticeable quietness, in some way louder than before.

We had thunder and lightning last evening as darkness came, no rain that we could see and the nesting swallows carried on with their harvest of bugs to bring home, some of which are right by our window.

Franco had an early morning blood test, so we're hoping the catheter might be removed this morning, I'm up and ready, Franco went back to sleep but awoke a moment ago to say he thinks we're going home soon.


Friday, March 24, 2017

The Shared Road - every pain and every tear...

Second full day in hospital.
Early on, like forever ago it has always been 'we' when we say stuff, and that has never stopped, when talking to doctors or Cudeca or local clinico Franco always 'we take this or that' or 'we started getting this or that in such 'n such a month'... Not sure what they think with us saying 'we' here... They probably think it's a language thing... I'm sure our español is improving though, it has to, although some of these medical words were never high on our must learn list!

The op did go well, stent in place and catheter releasing the awful bile which has been poisoning Francos body.  I'm sure his skin is looking better, and the whites of his eyes more white than yellow...

Franco is enjoying the wonderful food, three course meals twice a day, plus breakfast and two snacks! I am living off scraps lol! My fault, the other day I did eat a good meal with Franco in the hospital canteen before we were admitted, and today I had takeaway from there to eat here in our room.... Paella! And very nice it was too for less than five euro!

I promise to have one good meal a day from the canteen.

It's Mother's day in the UK this Sunday, will be a strange one for me here in hospital!

I also moved the car today, it was round the corner out of sight, now I can see it in the car park!

Great view! Did I tell you? The Mediterranean stretched out beyond, and vistas of Alhaurín de la Torre, Churriana, Torremolinos and all the way around Málaga... All from our hospital window...

We wish we were home with our Guadalhorce valley view, just have to wait a few days more and we will be, with Pip and we can relax again and just be us.


Thursday, March 23, 2017

The Shared Road - Heart = Love, and so much more.

Franco back in hospital, we arrived yesterday, Wednesday for pre-op blood test, settle into a room and stent to be fitted today, hopefully we thought after last time, and it has been...

Franco has been so tired; he has had this awful bile fluid buildup in his whole body, more noticeable by the yellow color of his skin and swolleness of his feet, calves, left hand and stomach... He's exhausted, I'm exhausted, didn't know I could be so tired, physically for Franco and more mentally for me.

Franco is still eating little and often, which is great, well amazing actually.

I don't know where he is getting his mental strength from, he is being so strong, so positive still, talking about walking into town again, about eating better again, about being okay... I'm just lost and scared and dying inside.

I am so proud of Franco.

Franco came out of surgery and off to recovery, I saw him briefly, sleeping peacefully... I was told to wait for the Doctor to come and talk to me, he did...

... the stent has been fitted, with a drainage catheter which will remain in place for a few days, maybe until Tuesday or Wednesday and then we can go home... praying this will ease Francos pain and other related symptoms.

And now I am having food(!!!) and coffee, then I will go back to our room and wait for Francos return...

My coffee today here in a bar near the hospital; a heart for our love...






Sunday, March 19, 2017

The quiet road...

Sorry everyone, we are here... We were in hospital all day Wednesday and came home on Thursday... Franco was all set to have a stent inserted to help move the bile fluid out of his body, which is severely debilitating him... The anaesthetist came to see us, checked Franco over, then the doctor came to say the operation would not take place and we were to go home, and come back for the operation, two weeks later... was a bit of a blow... it is something that needs doing, and everyday is making Franco more tired, and the fluid build up worse and worse.

So we came home Thursday, family had arrived Wednesday and Thursday morning, we all got down to our favorite pizza restaurant in town, Franco using his scooter, for the past few days though Franco has been more tired, he has been awake more with our family staying, but therefore more tired... we always try to do more when we have visitors, sometimes their visits take a week or two to recover from... Especially if we're out and about every day, taking people to all our favorite places... then we need a holiday afterwards.... Of course, this wasn't the regular visit...  But Franco still tried to be more awake than asleep.

Yesterday we had an early wake up when the family left, and got a couple of hours of sleep until 7am when the alarm went off!  Meds have to be taken on time, and if we don't start at the right time its all knocked out of sync for the rest of the day, but we caught up with some naps, Franco more so... And Franco also had lots more to eat yesterday and a good breakfast already today... meds are his huge bugbear... Franco has never been a pill-taker... its always me who has had to take something or other, tables turned big time now, thankfully its only that he doesn't want to take them, and not that he finds it hard to swallow them!

We have some huge foam pieces on the terrace benches, [that Franco made], Franco had had a good sleep on one earlier in the week, so we brought one down, I covered it, and Franco had about three hours sleep on that yesterday afternoon, really comfortable, and we stood it up on the back of the sofa and Franco slept well last night, we went to sleep about 11pm and woke up with the alarm at 7am... Franco did wake me up for some food about 4am, but then we decided to wait until a bit later or the meds would be too out of sync...

Yesterday evening Franco said as we were watching TV and talking... "your my 1 to 1 carer, like your job in the UK... only we're not getting paid for it!"  lol.... true I guess... Although I did point out that I am caring for him out of love not money!  and that I don't think of it as work, and that I wouldn't have it any other way... except all of this NOT happening at all would be the best thing!

For a couple of nights we were back downstairs in the dining room and den, but yesterday Franco wanted to come back up to the living room where he wanted to be again... nearer the bathroom and halfway up to the terrace too of course, and today should be warm again so when the suns on the terrace maybe we'll get up there... Franco said the other day to me that he didn't think he would get up there again after he came down into the dining room... He will!

The doctors came again to visit with us and talk to us about what had happened in hospital and what happens next, they also organised a mattress for Franco, which the next day... Friday, I went up to the clinico here in town to collect, its an air mattress lots of small pockets filled constantly with air, but Franco didn't find it comfortable at all!  Which is why we got the foam down from the terrace!

We're sitting relaxed and comfortable now, up in the lounge, Pippa asleep on my left and Franco on my right, its only 9:30am, all meds done for morning, house clean and tidy...


Tuesday, March 07, 2017

The tired road...

We're all alone aren't we really? We can be in a room a place with friends family strangers, we're still alone when it's boils down to it. But feeling lonely is so much worse...

Lonely is something different.
Feeling closed off for some reason, about something maybe... in our heads and minds can be a lonely place, even in that crowded room.

I've never minded going somewhere on my own, travel, cars planes trains... I have talked countless times to people about the difference, "as long as you don't feel lonely here by yourself, that's what's important..." "If you feel alone, but happy with yourself, that's okay, that's liveable" "But if your lonely.... that's different...."

Franco and I can talk for hours, day and night, night and day... always have, when we're parted by miles we still talk and laugh and talk some more, text, messenger, webcam, always communicating...

At night, these past few nights apart I want to message Franco, and answer his the same  "goodnight, sleep tight!... Speak in the morning... I love you"... 

I noticed on my phone yesterday here in the car park, a link we have which shows us where each other are, it said Franco was in our house 7 hours ago... must have come from his phone I've been carrying around with me until the battery went flat.

.... tick tock

Still in our car reading... and time to time watching traffic and people pass by, lots of car horns caught my attention and I looked out onto a bit of wasteland people use for hospital overspill parking... And I thought I better get back to our car over in the main car park... Which is weird, as I am actually sitting in our car, just not where I was for so long yesterday...

NEWS UPDATE:
We got a room last evening!!
There I was in with Franco, and that had been a hold up, 8:20pm before we got to see each other, Franco had his dinner... And along came to lady we saw last November and off we went!! 

Fantastic, so good for us to be together at last... Good nights sleep, comfy chair... Hell, it could be a block of cement, I wouldn't care!


Monday, March 06, 2017

The Shared Road, hand in hand, a kiss, a breathe ....

Me and phone on meltdown, get this written before one of us packs it up...

Still waiting for a bed, a hospital bed, Franco is still in the observation room.

Cudeca doctor called me this morning to tell me she had called hospital and we would be speaking to a doctor with translator, she was right, we did.

They chatted to us, asked us questions, they tested Franco a bit... Date? Hell, even I don't know the date today! Day of the week? For me yes, but only because it was a long weekend here in hospital! Franco knew the year, and he was doctorate 100% positive I am his wife! Few other questions he answered a bit strangely, and after they left Franco told me 'they've' all been going to some day centre with cars and things and David Beckham was there, because he's here now, based in Málaga not Madrid...

Bit surreal and for a moment I thought they had actually been taking him somewhere... Then there was the windup option.. Well, we know Franco likes a good laugh and blags a lot Lol... But no, he was serious.  He thinks its been dark for a few days too...

Franco apologised for being so tired too... He told me he cries for me to be with him when I'm not there...

It will be so good to get him home...

Doctor said, back to this morning... That when they feel its okay, and there is a bed Franco will be in one... And when stabilised he can come home...

This has clashed, sort of... with a call I got not long ago, Cudeca doctor called again to find out how we got on... She said that the hospital have told her Franco is very very bad now... Which she took to mean he wouldn't be coming home, but maybe hospital want him to come home if that is what he wants, which Franco has always said it is, and I told him after a couple of nights in a bed in his own hospital room he can come home! And Franco was really happy...

And now I am waiting in the car until either 8pm or a call to say Franco is in a room.

Saturday, March 04, 2017

Our Road...

Like Franco said, yesterday it got worse...

Franco was no way going to make the consultant appointment in the hospital, he couldn't have walked far, even in the wheelchair it would have been almost impossible.

Against his wishes I had to speak to our nurse, he sent a team out to us who decided, also against Francos wishes, that he should go to A&E, get checked out, not worry about the consultant appt.

The reason I was so worried was I recognised the signs of diabetes meltdown, the craving, the tiredness, the confusion the many other symptoms and I was so worried Franco would pass out, go into a coma, lose his sight... so many things...

It took nearly two hours to get Franco out of the house, prompting, arguing, and the general process... we dropped the Pipster off at her doggie hotel and went to the hospital, I parked at A&E and booked Franco in, we were called quite quickly and I went to park the car, found a nearby space, the only good thing about the day...

It started raining then too.

Back to Franco and he was sent to a doctor, then another doctor, then into an observation room, arguing all the way because he wanted to go home... then even worse they kicked me out of the room!  Only patients allowed, about twelve people in the room on chairs, on drips...

It was awful my heart was broken, more, he didn't even know why I left, where I was, would I be back?  I sat in A&E for over four hours... at 8pm we were all allowed in to see our loved ones... Franco was frantic, where had I been? why wasn't I with him? why did I leave him....?  Then that he wanted to go home... so I knew the saline and insulin still hadn't worked enough yet, he was still confused, still not fully understanding what was happening...

So they moved him to a bed, with him arguing more with them, especially on hearing I couldn't stay with him... the nurses told me to leave for 3 minutes. I went back and there was my Franco in bed, a cover up to his waist only, he was pulling it up, turned on his side and just so dam tired... he has been sleeping so much that being in an upright chair for so many hours he must have got completely exhausted, more so than ever.. I said I couldn't stay and he seemed resigned to that fact already and Franco just said goodnight, I love you...

And I left in tears, which haven't stopped.... I walked to the car in the pouring rain, crying drove home crying... spoke with family crying... back home it was good to be here, where Franco still is, his energy, but without him, without Pippa...

The dam clock in the living room has stopped, last night at 10:44pm... keep looking at it!!

And today is seven years since my mom passed away.  Who would, or could have, ever imagined being like this today, impossible.  Impossible. Impossible.

I just want to get back to the hospital, they said the room opens to visitors at one pm... I'll leave about 11:30 and get there around noon, and wait again in the waiting area... I so scared... I hope the insulin is kicking in... they said they would do some scans too, but here we are the dam weekend again, so I'm not sure if they will.  Will they give Franco a bed in the main hospital?  I'm taking some of this things, like I did yesterday, hoping they would give us a normal room, where I could have stayed...

I wish it wasn't Franco.

Friday, March 03, 2017

The Shared Road... sharing...


This morning as I rushed out with the Pipster and looked across our beautiful Guadalhorce valley I thought... to all intense and purposes this looks like just another day....

No different to any other, its different to me.

We had a bad night last night, and evening really.

Franco seems, no, Franco is, very disorientated, confused... words and actions... he is craving sweet sugary drinks and lots of them, and what goes in must come out, and he is even more tired than normal just now... we were awake a great deal of the night and up very early... These really are all signs of diabetes which can be a big factor in pancreatic cancer.

We have a nurse coming this morning, should have been going to see the consultant in the hospital, but no way.

Franco said yesterday "Its going to get worse before it gets better..."


Thursday, March 02, 2017


Francos daffodils on our balcon, he wanted daffs! So last year they were planted and here now in full bloom!

Franco is so tired, he has very little energy... We went out last Friday I think it was, to search down a motorbility scooter for him... It was raining and we had to keep sheltering under trees and shop awnings in Fuengirola! Franco in his wheelchair... We weren't happy!

We found a guy who sold second hand mobility scooters, left a deposit and he serviced it and called us Monday, so we went to collect it!  We drove down along the paseo, parked and walked back to the port... Well I walked and Franco made use of his new wheels! Glad he's got the speed turned down! It's nippy!

We had fish and chips along the port, very nice it was too.   Then headed home, via Also!

We have an appointment with Francos consultant tomorrow, Friday 3rd, at the hospital, not seen him since November.

Weather is improving, bit chilly over night still, but that smell of spring is in the air... The smell of promise...

My tolerance is on zero, I'm sorry, it is... And a guy down in Mercadona car park just now begging, got a verbal punch to his gut...


Friday, February 17, 2017

The road through Malaga, making memories...


View of Málaga Cathedral... Our small bijou apartment was only a few minutes not only from calle Lorios but also the Cathedral... a magnificent building, I actually have never been inside of!


I took my proper camera with us, feel like a tourist in Málaga... well I suppose if your not living there, or not working there... Not gone purely for shopping, a tourist is what it is!


A pretty dumpster nearby to where we were staying, a reclying one no less!


We left on Valentines Day, not in our plan, or booking even, but it was getting late in the day, or early in the evening? We had been out for a few hours earlier and were tired, I suggested we came home, we had to be home earlier than we had expected for a meeting with the nurse at our house on Wednesday and I was worrying about rushing about first thing in the morning and in the rush of both workers and travellers... (I must admit also, I was worried about our car, and a second night left parked in a car park just on the out-skirts of the city...) Anyways, after a couple of times of me suggesting going home, we did... we got back to our car, popped our bags in and had a meal where we were... then came home, we were tucked up cosy, fire roaring and watching a movie by ten pm... Very quiet without the Pipster of course!

After the visit with the nurse on the following day I went to get her... she was just the same as if we had been gone for a fortnight!  I also got gas and took them both home!

Franco and I had to do a re-visit to the local social security office in Coín yesterday, we had all the paperwork, originals, copies, done deal... Or so I thought, we arrived, parked okay, got a ticket, and within five minutes in we went, the head of department... did we have everything? No I didn't copy the document itself!  Needed two copies, NOTE to SELF for a years time!!! TAKE TWO copies of THE document!!!

We went into the town, parked, walked to a papeleria copied the document, twice, for each of us, I even got all the rest copied again, well you know... just in case!

Back to the S.S. offices, parked again, lucky twice!  Back in, got another ticket, and this time had to wait a while, all the people with appointments had priority, of course, only right... and a lady who was having trouble with the machine... in the end I went up and asked if I could help her and her husband, did they have an appointment booked? yes they said, was she inputting the correct number? yes she said, I looked.... Mmmmm no, she wasn't, poor woman was trying to insert her health care number!!! So after someone else also told her the same thing, she got her handbag (from the car), and tried again... NO booked appointment had been made and someone else helped them book appointments over the computer there!  Although of course, they could have just taken a ticket!!!

And in this time, I thought I better sort out our now totally messed up paperwork, and I had a panic!  I thought I had left both our passports and my new residencia card in the papeleria shop! Then I found them in our bag!! But it was too late, my head was banging, my neck was like a rock and I felt sick!!

I just panicked, big time... I said to Franco as I was sitting there throwing everything around "that's it, I can't do this, I can't do anything now, I can't cope..."

But I collected myself together, then the paperwork, Francos and mine, and when our number came up in we went and out we came five minutes later, job done, paperwork done, sorted for another year...

We then did a quick shop around Aldi and home...

There is something else, don't know if it will help writing it down, or just make everyone think I have totally lost the plot... but its not a new thing, its not just me, we all have coping things, habits we do when in a bad place... don't we, don't you? Maybe its smoking, running, sleeping, drinking too much alcohol, over eating or under eating, self harming even, in various forms, cutting or making oneself sick... I am sure there are many other ways of hurting ourselves, or doing something which is the only thing we can do to have some sort of control over our lives when we have nothing left we can control, when really big things in life have taken control and we are left failing around with nothing to hold onto anymore, and we have only one thing we can do to be in control... shall I leave it here!!

Okay okay! Well I suppose now I've scared the hell out of you, all I do is I cut my hair!! LOL... My hair has been getting real long over the last few years, maybe six or seven... Last time I got my hair cut was when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, for the second time... I got it cut quite short for me... Went down the hairdressers and chop chop chop! And those of you that know me, know I don't visit the hairdressers! I can count on one hand the amount of times I have been to the hairdressers! Well, okay maybe just into my second hand now and getting it colored when we lived in Wales!

So I really have the need to cut my hair, I just want to cut it all off! I cut it the other day already! Just a few inches, it just looks daft now!  But it was maybe getting a bit rough around the ends... anyway I have seen a hair cut I like, and I showed a friend the picture yesterday, I don't think she was impressed (LOL), and is going to ask the lady who does her hair... and I might be going with her when she goes next time, just for a consultation, if people haven't cut my type of hair then I am not going to be the guinea pig!  You can't cut my hair wet, its about six inches longer when its wet and I will end up with no hair if they try that malarkey!

Otherwise I will just pick at it, hack at it, a bit here and a bit there ... its what I do, I can cut my hair!
LOL my name is Marian, I cut my hair off!

Now... where's the gin?


Tuesday, February 14, 2017

The bitter sweet red roses of San Valentine...

At every turn here in Málaga today, red is all around, blood red passion red red red... While our hearts bleed red tears of loss...

Franco turned to me on a bench as we sat soaking up some needed winter sun "... should buy yourself an eternity ring..." and there, as now, my tears run from my eyes and heart... You see Franco has been looking for an eternity ring for me on and off for past two or three years, just not seen 'the one...'

Our two days here in one of our favourite places is going fast, and slow...

Sun came out once we got here yesterday and stayed thankfully, it's been raining for a few days...

Forever thankful to a dear dear friend for this gift, it was so nice last evening wandering the streets, knowing we didn't have to travel back and could just be 'home' in minutes.  So many people pass through Málaga without a thought, transit only... Such a shame, it's beautiful here, we're staying in a 19th century building, it's just beautiful, it's not quiet, not peaceful... It's city status all night! When the restaurants below said good night to their last customers it was time to clean up! Bring in the outside furniture, tables chairs awnings, scraping and banging... Then, around 2am down came the bin men, wheeling the refuse dumpsters away and back again empty, followed by the street cleaners! Then it was the early bird workers going out, doors slamming and voices shouting! LOL...



I have taken several photographs of this bar front... Different quotes every time of course!

Remember I always used to put a quote at the end of my Blogs?

Here is one from, and for today...

"The world is full of obvious things which nobody by any chance ever observes."
Sherlock Holmes




Sunday, February 12, 2017

This road, this hard road...

I start each Blog with a Thank you, to all of you on this journey with us, with me, with Franco...


The park yesterday morning, clouds low over our towns valleys...

Don't often walk down there... In the doggie walking area, it's a mine field of doggie poop! We have new signs up advising people that they're dogs must not walk or do their business on the playground areas... We also now have in the parks signs telling us that 'our pets, our responsibility' and a €300 fine for deposits not picked up! The major problem really though is that a percentage of the dog walkers never pick up, that usually their dogs are off the lead... Or without the owners at all!!  And those little darlings just can't read!!


I know I posted some shots taken when Franco and I visited Málaga for the Christmas Lights... Just wanted to put another shot here, probably the same, although I know one I did put on had someone with their head down and eyes firmly fixed on their mobile phone! What a waste... Look up! Look around! Look at your life, a memory of your mobile phone isn't worth a thing, eyes open in this world...


Above the lesser spotted claw! I see some unusual things on the walks with the Pipster, never a claw before!

This evening, tucked up warm and cosy with our wood burner doing the business! Second day I've lit it now, yesterday I got it cleaned out, prepped and lit, one small piece of paper with a small bit of firelighters inside, I lit that in my hand then dropped into the floor of the burner, added some pine cones and small twigs... a small log and left it a short while, went back to check it had 'taken', then added more wood, log by log... Did the same today! Did some washing and it dried in a couple of hours, in the past we would always have wet washing hanging around for days!

The day before yesterday, we could not light the burner at all!! We have smoke in the house! It was like a fog! All over the house! I went out midday and must have smelt like a bonfire! Stinky!!

Later on we decided I'd go up on the terrace and drop a stone down from the top, see if it came out into the burner... It didn't! So I can now add chimney sweep to my resume! I climbed back up the ladder, tried to tap off the little roof thingy, but couldn't, but the whole of the last bit of tube did move, so I wriggled that off and added piece by piece the poles, minus the brush (it needs trimming, too big for the diameter of our pipe!). Until I felt the obstruction and stabbed at 'it' until the pole moved freely! Whoop whoop! Then very carefully pulled the poles back up, removing them one by one until the last piece! Terrified of losing any of it down the chimney! No way to get them out again!!!

Still this girl did good!

Then Franco lit the fire and we were toasty!


This evening... Still warm and cosy, we were cwutched up, me massaging Francos back where it aches... We were watching a cookery programme, and as the chef added various herbs and spices... I remarked "I don't know what's happened, we haven't got any herbs left! No thyme, no sage, no rosemary, not even any origami!"

Franco immediately said, as I too realised my mistake "oregano!"

I laughed so hard for a moment, then leaning on Francos shoulder still I started crying... silently...


Sunday, February 05, 2017

Our forever road...

Thank you...

We have an elephant in the room..

Franco and I talking as we always are, we often talk about going to Sardinia again, we loved it there and often recall different aspects of our visit in 2005 I think, yes I'm sure...

We were just talking about Alghero, we were there for a few nights after leaving
Sassari, and a door was banging for ages... In the end I investigated and found an open room at the top, the room we'd been in when we first arrived... A window was open the door bang bang banging!!! I shut it! We were the only people in the whole place, with no reception or any other facilities we really were alone there!!

Anyways... Franco said next time we go we... and then maybe we both remembered we might not be going again... and knives turned in my heart, my stomach...

It's like someone, something... is blocking our view on our future, we have no clear view, we have every day now, 24 hours a day, we have the here and now, our forever now...

Bristol
A couple of photographs I took in Bristol last Saturday, the park on the right as I walked down towards the river and I noticed this plaque on a house there on the square...

First American Consulate

And the ceiling above where I sat waiting for my flight home from Bristol airport...

Bristol airport