I have another placement coming up, just for eleven days, I'll be flying into Cardiff and flying out of Bristol... this morning booked flights, Pipster in her doggie hotel and the car in the car park!!

I've taken all the remaining food supplements of Francos to a church community office, they can give them to people who will use them, we have wasted enough and thrown away so many... So I glad they will be helping.

We have a festival somewhere in town this last few days, until the 15th the posters say... and rocket fire last night, first elsewhere, then a few from nearby... Pippa ran for the hills AKA the toilet, and all the other dogs started barking and whining!

I went out, unexpectedly the other evening with two friends... was a lovely evening, great company, great food... Talked about lots, all positive speaking, although I did say there was one thing I didn't want to do again... which is actually now linked slightly with the placement I am going on, so I am reminded once again, do not talk about what you do not want!! Only talk about what you do!  Because it was less than twelve hours later that the very thing I didn't want came to me!!

See how positive I am today, I'm reading The Secret... I know its 'just a book' but it helped me before, its either helping me again or its just a coincidence!

I am trying to focus on better memories about Franco now, good things, positive things, our happy times... I didn't think I would, I didn't think I could... I am still asking him "why???" every day, still feeling him with me, by my side each day, as he told me he would be... last night when I remembered the hoover had made the electric trip I thought to myself 'I must remember to tell Franco!'... and today I saw for the first time ever our wedding video/CD, the very first time... and it made me so sad and happy at the same time, I smiled at 'us' I laughed a couple of times and I cried my heart out like I am again now as I type... I am so thankful to the persons who have done this for me... I wish we had seen it together...

So now, time to watch a happy film! I'm still working on friends book... I've printed out my travel docs, and tomorrow must buy a few bits and bobs because then its Sunday and not open! And Monday the skylight is being fitted!!! Yeah! Before and after shots will be here soon! and Tuesday I will be too busy with too many things for friend next door... my feet won't touch the ground!

Friday already, left my placement a week ago but oddly feels like months ago!

Yesterday I went to the dentist!! I know I'm not the best at visiting the dentist... but I have had to go, because of something going on in my mouth!  Turns out its another inherited problem... what next? Already have the heart problems, the joint problems, now the type of gum disease which is inherited only... my mom didn't have it, but doesn't mean I can lay this one at the feet of my father... could have been grand or great grandparents, apparently!

Apart from five implants, titanium so the body doesn't reject, I am having something put around the roots of my teeth, to help regenerate the gum material, what I have seen on the internet it looks amazing, I'm even keeping teeth I really though stood no hope... its called Emdogain...

It'll be pain free..... hahahahahahahahaha!! OMG what the hell am I going to do about the pain!!! When have I ever come home from the dentist without spending two days in bed from a migraine??? Well, maybe not anymore??? Its going to take six months at their time scale, but as I can't just reach into a bottomless pit for money, its going to take me a little longer!!

And every single I time I go, even for the first clean on Monday, deeeeeeeep clean.... apparently all my teeth will feel loose after this cleaning session!!!! OM...G!!! I have to take antibiotics an hour before, and for the next seven days to prevent me dying!!  Because of my heart problems any of the crapola in my teeth can kill me... By the by, this is why keeping teeth healthy will help prevent heart attacks for people with dodgy hearts like mine!

It took some strength for me to even get into there yesterday, and will be same on Monday, strangely though if felt a little surreal... so maybe Monday will feel the same... not sure when I'll be able to eat again after the clean, but I have loads of Francos drinks still in the house, so I won't go undernourished..

On the list is scraping!! Sorry, I know this word is not a good word in relation to teeth, or blackboards... or chair feet... etc etc... but there are a few of this 'scraping' thing on the list, then the filling.... then the implants!!

After I left the dentist I popped into my friends shop nearby, I'd been in on the way and in shock returned with the news!  While I was in there a woman came in who I used to work with, years ago here in Alhaurín, it was nearly a year after my moms passing, and still trying to come to terms with losing my mom... and that morning had awoken with a strange feeling of a slight shift in how I felt, that tiny bit of light... I was working in the shop and this lady, (from yesterday) although not on shift, popped into the store, we spoke and she popped home and came back with this book... The Secret by Rhonda Byrne... So, yesterday I told my friend about what had happened back on that day, and how it was strange I had felt better that morning then the lady had gone and got me the book to read and how it really had helped me, when I really needed that help... and my friend went out the back, and came back to me, holding out another copy of The Secret.... well, time to read it again eh!  Must mean something...

Like today, another strange happening, well I think so!  I had an appointment at the doctors!! To check a mole which seems to have arrived from nowhere and is itchy!!! So I booked the appointment on Wednesday evening on my phone and today the appointment!  At some point this morning I decided I wouldn't go, that I didn't need to, that I am worrying about nothing!  So at the last minute I walked into town instead, friend said to me about doctors, I said I wasn't bothering.... lol... not a great thing to say, so needless to say I had turn tail and head up to the clinico!!! And head up is the only way to get there from town, almost straight up! Could do with a button-lift at the bottom to assist, not sure how I made it up, couldn't breathe when I got there!! Still, good place to be if you can't breathe!  A&E and all of that!

I arrived exactly at 11:40, my time, there were a few others there already, only the doctor was missing! Today her schedule was 11:30 to 12:30, but she was a no-show, for whatever reason... more and more people came though, and none of us left... We just sat there in the air-conditioned waiting area... eventually a man came and put a notice up saying we all had to go downstairs and wait at another door! So we did, sitting in exactly the same seats as before!! Lol... and then I went in, third in line, 12:15 and came out 12:17! Nothing wrong with my mole, I apologies for wasting her time, she said no! Better to ask a professional than not ask at all!!

Oh the strange happening? Haven't got to that bit yet!! I was going home from the clinico, which I wouldn't have done had I gone directly!  I was passing a bar and saw a girl that looked like a friend from six years ago... one who had moved to the states... as I drew along side, she spoke to me! It was her!! Unbelievable, shes just here for a couple of weeks... so good to see her, albeit for a short moment... I got really emotional when I walked away...

So many people come into our lives, and go again....

Anyways!! Enough already!!

Yesterday I started working on a book for a friend, the lady from just over a year ago I met on a bus, which should have been a train... the train from Builth Wells to Shrewsbury that never was.... Wales playing rugby or football or something!  I so should have got my money back for that whole journey!! Just didn't think about it... too late now...

Anyway, she sent me the remainder of the book before I left to go back to work the other week, so yesterday I got the rest typed up, I have to go into it now and rearrange, edit, and get it publish ready, good to have a book to work on.

And yesterday, I got a call from work, I have 24 modules to get through, 100% pass only, I have done 11 of those, yesterday afternoon!

It was 113F on the terrace an hour ago.... in the shade... thats 45C.... hot hot hot!!

Was ending there, in fact I hit the publish tab...

I just wanted to add... on my way home from Fuengirola Wednesday, I seemed to go from bad day to worse day... Cher came on the radio... Believe.... Do you believe in life after love?

I am like one of those pennies thrown in the air "Heads!" "Tails!"

Spinning around and around, over and over, all the time headed for the inevitable ground to hit on!

... and while I'm spinning? What shall I do? Where shall I go? How do I move forward, because I know I can't stay in this... in this mind set...

I had photographs of Franco on my solitaire game I play before going to sleep, the game puts me to sleep it's so boring I guess! I had Franco as the back drop and on the cards... I know it wasn't healthy... Barry suggested I change the photos to more positive ones... So I have. I'm not thinking any less of Franco just not the last image I see as I close my eyes...

I'm Blogging from Fuengirola just now, sat having coffee in Las Rampas... I am almost opposite where mom and I lived for six months too...

What the hell!! It's all I can say... Collected car then Pippa, we came in the house, electricity had gone off! Again!!! Only thing on, literally had been the freezer, stacked full, I'd even emptied into it all the frozen stuff from the fridge/freezer... House stinks, you don't even want to imagine the disgusting mess around under and in the freezer... I've had to clean it all out, bin everything, obviously...

Below in different font, (and to be quite honest I really can't be bothered to change it), is what I wrote on the flight home...

Waiting for boarding gate number was like waiting for paint to dry... then boarding was slow, more priority than us `others` now we're still boarding and I'm sitting, the back of my chair is being kicked by a child behind me! I am close to boil over point!

Plane is full of kids... every line, nearly almost... so two behind and two in front!! Three on other side of size... One child, further back screamed all the way over...

I had coffee and a sausage and tomato chutney muffin and a latte, refuel before the flight... maybe a cold drink now on board, another coffee might not be good idea! (I had coffee!).

I had a lovely couple of days with Baz and family... gone far too quickly as always... and it was tram and end of the line for me today... I arrived at the coach stop at 13:19 exactly, a minute early for the coach... which evidently had already been and gone! So I had to wait until ten to two...

I didn't want to be there, at the coach stop, it's where Franco and I always talked on the phone, "on my way home nearly..." happiness all round... it's not just a simple memory there it's more like a ghost, like an indented real-time thing, I really felt standing there, if I just dialled... Franco would answer...

Lol I have to add from nearby children "we're flying!" "We've taken off"... "I can see the airport, we're so high, we're too high..." "this is crazy..." " we're above the clouds" "we're in the north pole"

And as we came in one child shouted much to parents embarrassment "we coming down, we're landing in the sea!!"

Just some words from my fellow passengers on their first flights... and suddenly I don't feel so cross anymore...

Oh hang on, there's some screaming up at the back and other places, not everyone's first flight is as they hoped!

And now not long to landing... I still feel Franco will be there in Málaga to meet me, sat outside on the nearest available concrete seat at arrivals...

when will I not feel this is so...

Sorry friends, landed back in UK! International jet setter extraordaire!

That was Friday, I knew my destination, but the flight was forty minutes late taking off, which meant all train travel and connections on my list were obsolete! Luckily the tickets were 'any time' off peak!

I of course panicking about a different placement, location, train station! But there was a great monorail shuttle which took me direct to a very crowded train, cosy, snuggled up to everyone!!! Ugh! which took me to Birmingham New Street station, and on enquiring how to get out of there and travel on foot for a twenty minutes walk above ground... a wonderful lady told me to go to Manor station! Only a few minutes walk, job done!

It was then another train, less crowded, a short taxi and I'm here!

All good!

... until Friday.

Travelling Road

My birthday in Cambridge with Tony; I had never been to Cambridge before... I suppose with having lived so near to Oxford for so long, Oxford is where we always went!

River boat tours, punters punting...

Lots of tourists... of course!

The weather was lovely, which is good, and a new memory... reminding me of other memories...

So I have notes to transfer onto here, went out this morning without my phone!  Yes, unbelievable, I never leave my phone, or phones behind and once I knew I had forgotten them, I felt like I had left my arm behind in the house!!

Last evening I came home from Malaga airport to our home, and was nice to walk into the house with people here, and they're here till I go to work again, nearly... But Pippa is not here, she is still in the doggie hotel, it wouldn't have been fair to bring her home today and take her back tomorrow... I miss her...

This morning I left early to go to Aldi, got there at 9am, and now, well then, having coffee at La Trocha while I wait for the shops to open at 10am...

Just now driving I asked Franco out loud "where are you?" my make believe games hurt, but for the shortest of moments I can almost believe, I though him just now, still in hospital - not good for him, I know! But for me - hope, and any amount of hope keeps me... keeps me? I don't know where it keeps me. Oh yeah!  In denial.

Plans today! I changed my plan and just didn't care, so here, not on the coast, struggling to park and time wasted driving, have to get a few things for work on Friday - Feeling worried, nervous, scared even... But its one week only!

Had a good week at Tonys, Sunday we went out for a long drive, ending at a garden centre and then home; Saturday we went to Milton Keynes which was great... always love going there, I suppose because its a rarity now for me...

Every day bar one I went on Tonys VR... Who knew! I'm a gamer! Only I was waiting for VR!  No motion sickness at all.  Franco would have been very proud of me killing all the zombies, shooting them in the head with quite good accuracy!  I have put them on my YouTube... hang on will get a link...

That takes you too my Channel I think...

I am hooked! I am hoping they still have the Oculus Rift store in Plaza Mayor.... I'll be there every week for hours!!

Today, this morning on my way out, the air smelled so good, warm and fragrant - a day to drive and travel... Franco and I would have gone far today.

Notes finished, I am surprises I could read my handwriting, so very old Skool!!

Perfect cosy spot! 

17.07.17

Been staying with Tony and Kate since Tuesday last week... Been a good week, just being here...

Time in my head alone is limited when I'm not alone... of course lots of time it's still just my thoughts, my sadness, just me without Franco.

Franco had some beautiful words on his memorial Facebook page on the 12th, he was loved, and is missed...

Today we had planned a big thing, a special date for my birthday, 17.07.17... palindrome... we were going away somewhere special; as always special, but we'd thought of somewhere in Italy...

Tony and I are going to do something, I should be responsible for myself now, instead I've shifted the responsibility onto my son... sorry honey...

I'm barely here, a thin wisp of myself
I survive each day and don't know why.
Who am I now?
Why did Franco have to die.