Ultreya

Ultreya: Moving forward with courage.

I guess over the past couple of years, and esoecespec this last year, I have forgotten what my own Blog name means.

I may take several steps forward with courage, but many back in fear.

If I told you I apologize, but I am teafire a book I last read back in 2001, Shirley MacLaines The Camino, A pilgrimage of courage.

As I sit here now on the terrace, had to go to the social security office this morning, as always futile, have an appointment now for later today, great I get my healthcare here, only here, not in the UK by the way. Which is fine, but I applied for this in October last year... took papers into social security office, have waited over two months, still don't have the documentation... Been without any cover now since January, I think I will have to apply in August this year! It's idiotic that in the 21st century a simple email cannot be sent and printed out.

And I don't even know yet if he'll say it's going to be another two months!

I've had enough.

And so the journey continues.

Listening to music in my ears... Left my placement, spent a drunken night with a good friend, spent a day feeling icky! Got on a coach said "Bedford" ended up in Oxford!

On the approach to the bus station amongst those dreaming spires! And passing restaurants, passed the Franco Manca restaurant! That wasn't fun at all! I knew there were a couple in London, but didn't know or expect to see one suddenly there!

Then after a short but plain speaking argument with the driver, where he admitted he didn't hear me when I asked for my destination, bit odd that he charged me what he did think I asked for!! I had to disembark and reboard, but not pay again, which was good news, it not actually being my fault!

And okay I didn't check my ticket, I wouldn't normally, I didn't even wonder at the route really, I didn't know it! So, anyway, Tony collected me from Milton Keynes eventually, an hour and half later than I should have been in Bedford!

I've now had a good day with Tony, lovely weather yesterday, and we went to the movies, saw the new Marvel movie Avengers... In 4DX! Which meant moving seats, air blowing in faces and from behind, water spraying about! But the biggest thing was definitely the seats! Moving up and down left and right, taking punches in the back and rocking every which way! Sounds rough? It was a rough ride indeed, but l loved it! Lol now I'm on the train, going the right way for the right city, it's pouring with rain and the smell of diesel is overwhelming!

At Tonys I started watching a series called Happy, which is really good, just hoping now it's available in Spain too! Oh how could I forget I also spent time on Tony's Oculus Rift! Amazing as always! So I am buying the Oculus Go! Well why not, what does it matter eh...

Time has gone and I forgot I had made these notes, so only just now putting my Blog together! It's Saturday night, and had three wonderful days with Baz and family. Walked, been to the parks, to the city centre, and a couple of walk pasts of their soon to be new home.

Today especially the weather has been really warm, still 19°c out there and gone ten at night!

Hey friends, sorry, again! I've been here on placement for two weeks nearly, it's a good one, me being positive, talking lots, and good conversations... I actually don't want to leave!

We've been in the midst of April weather, the real deal, showers and sunshine... Like our lives... The stunning magnolia above...

And it's fallen few below....

Walking onto a nearby bridge this week to capture a phone signal!! Really please, 21st century and still black spots?!?

And this beauty was there in the grass verge! Gorgeous isn't it! I saw its leaves and thought tulip, but this flower head is extraordinary, once back in the house I checked it's name 'Sun lover' tulip, it's beautiful.

Not much else to say really; I ordered something on Amazon and inadvertently hit the 'Amazon Prime please' instead of the 'no thank you' with these apparently massive clumsy fingers of mine! I don't bother zooming out enough so I guess my finger was like a giant in the land of ants placing the order!

But, I've taken advantage of the free books offer thingy and chose a book I really shouldn't have 'Things we never said.' Don't get me wrong it's a wonderful book, I'm just not in the right place to read it, and maybe never would be. Maybe there never is a good time for some things...

So yes I'm reading it, crying with it...

It's been a difficult few weeks, I'm either feeling okay, or down in the depths of complete and utter sorrow.

I can't for confidentiality reasons say very much about work situations, but I have to say I was somewhere talking to a psychologist who had given a talk on one subject about our mental health after something! (Sorry!) But although it was not about grief it felt like it, and his answers gave me answers, or maybe more a way of thinking or realising that carrying the grief changes, maybe doesn't so much lesson, it's about learning to carry it differently.

But then we are all different, all see life differently, thankfully, and what works for one won't necessarily work for another.

Still, I'm glad I got to hear the talk.

I'm off from here on Sunday and headed across country and then north!

Sorry, I am here, not been very talkative.

Had the worse anniversary of my life, sorry mom... But Franco was with me for yours...

The day passed here at work strangely, very unreal, in fact don't call out the men in white coats, but when I'm this close to where we lived I feel Franco is actually there, and even just half hour ago I wondered if I ran off in the car to Britain Ferry if he might be there.. you know, in some bizarre other dimension.

I don't even like going in British supermarkets... Even ones he didn't go in, because they just remind me too much.

I leave here Sunday and onto the next one.
Two weeks then nearly a week in the uk, chilling! Before heading back to spain, Pippa is in her hokdida home anyway because of the May celebrations, and mammoth rocket explosions.

And well that's it folks!

One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold and we fight to let go. — Unknown

Not many Blogs lately, too many words in my head, little I can express...

I am working soon, time with one customer in the cardifC area, which is good, and then back to where I was last.

My bag is packed, fur-baby has her normal pet care in place...

She knows I'm going, and before I go it I'll be back!

I haven't  slept well the last few nights, so not holding out much help for later, getting a lift to the airport, not having to worry about carparking which is good.

As you can tell, as you know... This is a difficult time now.

The open road.... It really is isn't it?

Yes, its been a while! I hadn't realised, been busy editing a book and just being....

I am going to begin with a dream I had last night, very symbolic... I was on land, and I had to cross a large expanse of water... I could see no land to my left or right... The water was frozen in parts, I knew I had to cross it, someone was with  me, a man I couldn't see, but I felt his strength.  I walked over the lake, even the parts with no ice, and I reached the land on the other side.

And it felt right... Telling me to brave the divide and take the risk...

I have kept on forgetting to publish these two photographs of Plaza Alta! How bare the square looks now, and so open!

And I was thinking yesterday, how in the year following my mom passing, for the two months I was with her, I read my own Blog up to when she died... I read it and re-read it, constantly for those two months stabbed those words into my very heart... Like a real blade, because believe me I felt real pain... As I am sure I would now, reading it again.

I have not, nor will I in the foreseeable future read this time last year. I think I would bleed, my heart held together now with hope and love and some hard as nails glue... Would shatter and I am deeply sorry for bleeding on the pages of my Blog... I am sorry I realise now how painful my words were for everyone travelling the road with me, family friends and unknown friends... but of course also, I couldn't have made it through without you...

This morning I visited our neighbor from Calahonda, had a good morning, coffee, Colacao! And good conversation... Went to Aki for some mastic and tile paint then home.

Then I suddenly got really tired, and went to bed for a nap!!!

I went out like a light, missed calls on house and mobile, I didn't hear them!! When I was almost waking up, yet holding onto sleep I felt like I could choose where I was, when I was even... It's a strange place, like a twilight zone! They, whoever they are, say we are at our most physic in that inbetween place... Of course normally an alarm is going off, and I wouldn't have had this experience, it's only when I nap, and there was no external noise to make me know where I was or when!

It's okay! I am okay!