Thursday, January 18, 2018

Here I am in England!

Arrived late evening into placement, all okay, lovely little village in Somerset, is all I can say of course! Client confidentiality and all that!

So prior to this made a few notes! Walking the Pipster the day before I left Spain I noticed at 7:20ish that there was a subtle change in the light! That day was indeed breaking! And not only I that noticed this! The birds also, and they were beginning their song of daybreak! Was nice to hear, no, it was good to hear, an uplifting sound of promise...

Which was good after another nightmare! I was hiding, then running, stole a plane! By then we were a group on the run. And the plane small, it also didn't fly above about 50 feet!! Then we were  hiding in a house, I saw a chance of escape through a window... But woke up before I could do so!! Great! Lots of meanings there, the obvious I suppose is I want to run away! Maybe by plane? But the idea didn't get off the ground really did it!?!

Then my old thing of randomly smelling cigarette smoke again, every day for the past week actually, in the house and morning noon and night! Anytime of day!

Some great excitement also! I have actually talked to new cousin! Another new one! He lives near some of my other family in New York, but it from my mom's side of the family!!! How crazy, and what a small world in which we live...   I think he thought me a little crazy! Welcome to the family!

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Yesterday I went down to the coast, to a store I do not frequent very much at all! Yes I know, no names and no disrespect meant, it is what it is shall we say!

I also went to Aldi, where I got the things I actually wanted, so a bit of a wasted journey, but the day was lovely, so lovely, I drove back dropped the shopping picked up the Pipster and we drove to Mijas Pueblo...

It is so difficult not to take repetitive photographs in Mijas Pueblo, especially after 29 years!!

Luckily the plastic bottle Christmas tree still standing was there and real quirky, another tree or two... I didn't get pictures of, were frames decorated in can tops! real pretty too!

The other photograph above and the one on the left below are of the new single track road that circumnavigates the area below the gardens... there are steps up to the village from there! Phew, not take them yet!

A different view above... with a cold looking sky... and below wild lavender.... This has changed so little in some ways and so much in others... the walls and railings safer now... no wobbly parts as there were...  steps safer too... that wall on the left that runs the whole way round, it was just rock on rock, now its cemented in place... so precise... and without the momentum Tony placed there back when we were only on holidays, and I used to look for, and find, and look each and every single time we walked the steps... and then... cement... change... It is the same but not the same.. life I suppose, the same but not the same.

Boquerones Fritos
I sat with my back in the warm sun eating the above boquerones fritos, Pippa was getting harassed by a little furry male dog...

Yes I was in a thoughtful mood our whole visit, because I didn't want to be in the house, I needed to be out and away... Because sitting here all I do is plan my escape, I want to go through things, I want to clear more things I need to do something, I know what I want to do, but the next step will be difficult, the hardest next step.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Obstruction Road...

Random photograph above, mom and I at home in California, 1960...

I awoke this morning from an awful dream, a woman who was either my mom or my husband's mom... I could see her on the other side of a deep concrete waterway... had fallen and needed help, (she wasn't familiar to me when I woke up... Not a mom I know...). And in the dream I was trying to make my way to her, crossing the waterway by the nearest bridge didn't... You know how dreams are, so I travelled about through unknown streets, and into scary houses with scary gardens... I was nearly there, I could see the same bridge, and knew I was close to 'mom' then the alarm went off... I snoozed it, in hope of returning... But could only see the scary house I'd been in, with strange people living in the cellars...

Obviously an obstacle dream... So expected obstacles today... The last few days I am my own obstacle, and today has been no better, after what had seemed baby steps forward of improvement, this week I have been thrown back months...

I shall be glad to get back to work next week, support someone who needs me. I feel sorry for Pippa, wish she could have the stability she had before...

We've had snow, torrential rain, hailstones, high winds and sunshine! It's been three seasons in one week! Freezing cold inside and out, warm in the sun and wood burner keeping us snug in the house, when I can be bothered!

I've gone to the dentist to get the stitches out which refused to disintegrate naturally, after four weeks I thought it time!

Pippa has gone out for morning walks okay, some afternoon walks have proven impossible, and the shortest block is all we have accomplished!

I think I'll pick another photograph at random! Just opening up and stopping where I hit it!

And a quote:

Nothing changes unless you make a change...

Sunday, January 07, 2018

New year new road...

We have a lot of snow on the surrounding mountains this morning, all across the tops of the Sierra de las Nieves, of course, but also on the ones right ahead... up above Alonzaina.

I was late getting up this morning, after an initial 7am alarm, I had a headache just as I have had for the past four mornings, so I got up fed Pippa but knew I couldn't get out for a walk or eat so took one of strong migraine meds and went back to bed.  Before I knew it it was 11:45am... I got up had my breakfast and have taken the Pipster out... I think it could be a cold my body is fighting, the pain is sort of down my neck and inside my right ear... maybe a bit of a sore throat also, but only now and then...

As you know I don't get colds that often, very rare, my body has so much to fight all the time it keeps the mere cold at bay!

My fur-baby.... Is this the face of love or what! Bless my little girl!

I took this the day before yesterday, are we approached I could hear them first! The camels preparing for the Three Kings parade through our town!

There are some sheep there too!  A strange view to come across in Alhaurín El Grande, three camels and some sheep!  Even Pippa was happy to stop and stare for a while while her very confused brain must have thought WTF!! Oh, well maybe not!!

Lol... can you imagine me using these expletives when I first began Blogging... how many years ago... nearly fifteen years now!

I just switched on TV to watch a movie and a different one came on its called The Call.... it is excellent... BRB... Well, I wasn't right back, it was a long movie and an absolutely excellent movie! 2013, so I am guessing most people have seen it already! Unexpected and excellent!

Feeling quite ready for action now after this! And I can't remember yet what movie I was expecting!  This happened the other day clicked on one movie and another I had never even heard of came of which was excellent! Its like someone else is choosing them for me! Weird eh!?!

So... can't think what else I was writing now!

Opened the back door to let Pippa out and banged my shin against the bed, done that a few times in the last few days! Can go for months without doing that then bam bam bam!!

This morning had I not been sleeping! Was going to go down to Miramar the sales begin today! Still, probably done me a favour eh... I was going to buy something that I can do without!

And in this time of mixed emotions where my passport[s], are ready for action I should keep every cent ready also!

Arh yes! Yesterday I had a great hour and half with a friend on video calling... was really great, almost like we were in the same room! Both having a sip of wine... It was the evening and I had reached my second glass of Cava which I had opened at 3pm ish!  I had posted about it on my Facebook page and was surprised, or not! At the huge response to drink drink drink!! Lol...

And so I am a slow drinker and a not a not very much of a drinker!  Still over half a bottle left, which I will probably add to chicken tomorrow instead of drinking neat!!

So, great chat with friend, and then later another half hour video call with another friend... thank the lord for the internet! Or for the assistance from the inventor!

Mmmmm okay! Ciao amigos!

Need a little something here to follow.... let me look!

Wednesday, January 03, 2018

Steady steps on the road...

Above photograph taken on New Years Day... Beautiful day... up there in the blue beyond is a person paragliding... Lol, honestly there is, you may have to zoom in, he is about centre!

I took a zoomed in shot, but only with my phone so blurry... will leave it up to you!

Another nice shot from in front of the town hall here in Alhaurín El Grande...

I had had to take myself for a walk, Pippa was refusing to leave the street, its been hit and miss, sometimes she gets ten or twenty feet away from the house, she goes down to the house where they're working, and she goes in if they are there, for a cwtch... Pippa checks out three houses, her favourite places to stop by! Lol...

This tree, now bare... was in flower when Franco died... last year... It of course, gets to be reborn each year... as do we in a different way...

I have felt happier here recently, happier in a different way, because its all I can, its all anyone can do; and therefor now, back to wanting to go back home! I always have said, always say.... If you're not happy where you are you cannot be happy where you want to go, because we take ourselves with us... don't we!  So now, here I am feeling happier and now want to leave here again!  I might sound slightly crazy you know, most of the time! You should be in my head!

The other day someone called to see if the house was still for sale because she had a buyer!! Then today as if in conspiracy someone else said, what are you doing here still!! You should go home! Everything will be so much better!! Lol...

And suddenly everything and everyone is pointing me back to America!  So I am going back to work soon! Been a month and need to focus!

Talking to a friend the other day, had to laugh when I read these words that came after whatever I had said!

"Excuse me, but how, in the seven realms of Hades, are you confused?  You're a California Girl hun.  Confusion is not an option."

This says it all!

Life can be beautiful in different ways... #Alba

Thursday, December 28, 2017

2017 road in summary

Year in summery:

Before I begin about my year, this has been a terrible year for many people I know; too many people, we do not stand alone, and I can never say thank you enough for the continuing love and support from my family and friends and complete strangers I have had the honour of knowing.

January 2017, the ticking clock, although we all know it's there, hearing it for the one you love is a whole different matter.  It was loudest at night, when the world went quiet.  

Franco of course heard it the loudest and was why he needed the tv on, the light... needed to hear life, not the silence that brings with it too much internal noise, clatter, words... unfinished thoughts ideas wants and broken dreams.

February and March hospital, pain, pain and pain... Franco told me in his last days, laying in Malaga hospital, that he did not want to suffer any more, and he didn't want me to either...

Nearly nine months, and writing these words I am still suffering; I bet any one of you, I could write this in twenty years, God willing and the tears will flow as they are now writing these words... It is grief, I now know one doesn't move on from grief exactly, one has to learn to live with it, to live differently, it is what it is.

May through to December... Time with family and friends, home and home, and home! Lol three countries... and work, three placements, a total of eleven weeks worked; two days of flying and a week in departures! Lol

(I know I have written this already since I penned this.)

I am writing this December 18th on flight number 18! Returning back to Malaga from a weekend with Barry and his family, Tony and Kate came up for lunch Saturday...

I was adamant I would never leave Spain back in April, May... by June I couldn't imagine living there surrounded by ghosts of the lost, I swung continually like a pendulum, like in the movie! The pit and the pendulum, because each time it swings, I feel the blade, it's cold and sharp and makes deeper and deeper cuts with each swing, and from changing the tenses even in writing now the pendulum swings its heavy weight through my heart and mind...

My December trip to Cali decided me further... America land of my birth! I'm coming home! Got back and two days later woke up thinking I am out of my mind! How can I leave Spain!

The pros and cons list is undeniable! In favour of staying in Spain, of course!
I've even put a question poll on Twitter just now, results will follow! 86/14 were the results, in favour of staying in Spain.

I feel a bit empty at this thought now, but really!!! If I'd gone back home instead of Spain maybe back in 2002... but now!?! I know everyone knows (thinks), I am strong minded, and won't listen to a word anyone else says, but really people! Would you have let me go?

Or will I still go!?! I'm like two people, with two minds and stuck in the middle of someone's giant tug of war game, only its my tug of war! And I'm at either end, on a regular daily basis!

And the realisation of the fact that actually I might never live back in the states makes me feel a bit sick... and I have to tell myself it doesn't mean I can't stay there for long visits, or numerous trips... it doesn't mean never, it just means... it's too late.  We never think we'll reach the 'too late' stage do we? I'm too young for a 'too late' but maybe its only this I'm too late for, the living and working there... certainly not for the rest of my life...

Of course I have only to look into the eyes of my granddaughter and know the truth... and Pippa! Really, how could I leave my fur-baby...

And back now to the here and now that I am posting this, as I read through, make corrections and add-ons... As I reach that last paragraph a heavy weight descends down to the pit of my stomach.

But, there is light now in my world, there is laughter and positive thoughts... Every day I still have that moment where I still think bad thoughts, but no-one can live in that moment and survive.

So I am looking at Pippa, laying asleep on the floor, we went out for a late morning walk, she refused to earlier, and this is the first walk she has had since the day before yesterday...

Heading now for the end of this year, and there is no stopping it!

Monday, December 25, 2017

How many roads...

Christmas Day!

Getting through, yesterday walked the Pipster, tried to later but she refused, due to some idiot down the road was letting off rockets, what joy he found I cannot imagine, simple joy for a simple... Well! You get the gist!

I spoke with him, and he let off another... Karma will catch up with him one day...

Anyway, the day passed quickly enough in the grand scheme of things, as will today, and all back to normal tomorrow!

It wasn't even cold enough to light the fire, so see how it goes today!

Bit empty of words today, I had saved something for some reason and was emptying out so will post it here and be done.

It's a song by the way.

By Mark Cohn

How many roads you've traveled
How many dreams you've chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place

Will you make a smoother landing
When you break your fall from grace
Into the arms of understanding
Looking for one safe place

Life is trial by fire
And love's the sweetest taste
And I pray it lifts us higher
To one safe place

How many roads we've traveled
How many dreams we've chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place