Happy all Hallows Eve!

Highfields Park, Nottingham, yesterday... Beautiful autumnal day for a walk around here.. 

We actually went to an area of the hospital to pick up my pre surgery preparation pack.. and it's very close to this park.

They called again, the hospital, and changed my appointment again, which is better than the 10th, less bad omen feel for me, especially... 

It is now the 4th of November, Monday!

Which is great, just my body so has not sorted itself out from its last pre surgery prep. 

Stomach feels crappy, and it's all over the place! 

Added to that a bad back! Maybe a mix of stress, and, or? Sunday night I had to have easy and quick access to the bathroom, so we had a switch around of bedrooms and I was in a bunk bed, which was great, actually,  but not easy to jump into or out of in a hurry, and getting out of is a hurry, as any of you might know if you've had a colonoscopy.

Without getting into it too much, this was my fourth pre colonoscopy prep. but I've never had this after-effect before, I guess it having only been May since the last my body is not liking it! 

Whose would to be honest!?! 

And now I am putting it through it again, immediately! I can't eat for 24 hours after the surgery is only, and then only soft foods for a further 72 hours..

After Mondays disappointment, I had thought a good meal, a glass of wine .. would be a thing for this weekend, but no..

And to be honest, not next either, I am worrying myself sick that maybe I'll be too scared to eat anything that could risk effecting the surgery area, ever again!

But living on soup or other non chewable items probably wouldn't be a good onwards journey for a body!

M.

They whispered to her You cannot withstand the storm She whispered back I AM The Storm!

These strangely gathered photographs today.. I searched 'streets' in my gallery and these were there, amongst a thousand others, of course! 

Above taken in Pembrey Country Park about eleven years ago.. they had a huge ammunitions dump here during WW2.. It really is a beautiful park,.we camped there for a few nights, took me 24 hours after going cold turkey with no data signal to calm down, and basically, just get over it already!! 

Above also in Wales, Merthyr Tydfil, very spooky looking house!

And, yes, this also, an amazingly shaped tree, wind blown by the ever present sea breeze along the beautiful coast land of the Gower..

***

So, what we really need to speak about is my surgery appointment yesterday.

I went through the ordeal of Movicol, after three days of non fibre, and then no food at all.

Up at 3am yesterday morning, for second dose of Movicol, this is a one litre drink that's tastes disgusting, has to be drunk over an hour, 250 ml every fifteen minutes.. the first dose followed by a couple of litres of water to flush it through.. and at 3:30 yesterday morning, repeat the Movicol, and 500 ml of water... a thousand trips to the loo, saying no more!

And at the hospital at 9am, actually there at half eight and took half an hour to find my ward, son and his two came with me for support.. then, left me there...

I signed in, was assigned an area in my ward, and waited, had some checks done, and waited, saw someone who would be in the surgery, he told me all about what was going to happen, the good things, and of course had to tell me the bad that could; I signed the forms to acknowledge I understood what I was signing for.. was so funny when I had to put the date, I paused and looked at him blankly, he said  'the 27th' then again at month, he said 'October,' the year... My mind was completely blank I said "I can't even think of the year" and laughed, he said it's okay, that's normal, all the information about the surgery you're about to have blanks most people's minds.. he said '25'.. I said I was actually thinking 1990 something!! 

Then, I waited some more, it was a ward for six patients, all curtained off for privacy.. and as others came back they were offered sandwiches and tea or coffee, and ice-cream and I was starving!! Smelt so good!!

Then, there came two men, one from earlier and another who introduced himself as one of the surgeons.. at 4:30pm.

They told me I would not be able to have my surgery, that the first patient had had an issue, one of the things that can go wrong issue, and when patient #2 came out, he had to go back in, and that the anaesthetist goes home at 5:30.. which is fair enough, they start at 7am.. 

So! I packed up my things, took off my attractive support stockings and left for the tram..

It was the busiest I have ever been in, I didn't really need to hold on, we were like sardines in a can! Terrible, I was tired, hungry and well, felt like crying..

They had offered me a sandwich, but to be honest at that point I just wanted to come home.

After what felt like forever, got in, got into my comfies and decided KFC was dinner! Ordered it through the app and found it was saying pickup in the restaurant and no place to change it! The phone number hung up, so changed again and, in the now dark, we walked there, and brought it back... To find wrong drinks and a whole meal missing! 

WoW, what a day!

And today, on a brighter note.. well to begin with, had a phone call from the hospital to apologise for yesterday's failure to complete my surgery, but I did obviously understand and that's that really, but was nice to get that call.

Then, even better an hour or so later another call offering me another appointment! 

So it's November 10th.. we were walking to The Range and my phone rang, excellent news... Which means I have all the prep, again, the awful week before and the day before, I have to be there at 7am, so, it's a movicol at 7pm and again at 1:30!! So I guess, no sleep at all Sunday night! But I have to have it done and soon as.. 

Then, here it stops being good news... The November 10th thing...

I opened up my calendar, clicked on the date to make the appointment, and there, already the headline I see every year.. 

When Franco told me his diagnosis.. 

I can't believe the coincidence, the fate.. The chance of my surgery being cancelled and given this date?

Worse Day Of My Life... I placed those words on November 10th 2016.

The day Franco had asked me to go get five tins of Quality Street from Iceland (Overseas), and when I messaged him to say I was on my way to the hospital, where he was under investigation for his pain and sickness.. 

And he said he'd meet me outside the front, by the steps, where patients seemed to gather for fresh air... Or cigarettes!! 

I walked up with a tin of Quality Street for the nurses, others were for other people Franco wanted to give to as Christmas gifts..

He told me sit down, I refused.. and he told me the prognosis, the result of the many tests, and the worse possible news.

So, what a date they've given me, again, the chance, the coincidence, the fate... An omen? I hope if so, it's a good one, because the way my mind is.. I am not feeling it at the moment.

M.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

Buddha

Some photos I took the week the Caminito Del Rey opened it's new walk... Can't remember when now, off hand, if you're on the desktop page of my Blog use the search bar, top left-hand corner to find it.. if you want! Of course! 

Was amazing, and definitely safer than the old broken and dangerous walk for mountain climbers, and those of us who could only get close and look across! Or risk life and limb as we did and walk over the narrow path over the Ravine, below.. we walked from the left-hand side to the right, at that time, maybe 20 years ago? There was nothing much to stand on on the right! 

Been a stressful week, and been on a non fibre diet for last three days, white bread, white rice blah blah blah..

And today at 7pm I start the awful drink, a litre to be drunk over an hour, then lots of water, two litres or so... Try to sleep later, then about 3am, the second drink, repeat process, no more liquids from 7am.. into hospital for 9am and .. well, there we go! 3 to 4 hours surgery and hopefully all well afterwards.

Got my head in a bad place, being positive is only something I can be for others...

M.

 

Cabopino Beach..

Today someone said he thought he had seen me on beach, back home, I guess my spirit or soul sometimes goes a wandering...

Had my flu shot this morning, arm aches already! Usually the next day but this was quicker.. then few hours later blood test taken, different arm!! If that even makes a difference eh! 

So tired again today, I was out for an hour and a half this morning, also defrosted and cleaned the fridge freezer, and cleaned the bathroom floor, whoever put black mirror type tiles down on a bathroom floor never intended to have to clean them! Nightmare!

Been having bad dreams as well, adding insult to injury with my bad sleeping.. 

Had one of those weird moments this morning, listening to Harry Potter on my ear buds, just coming home from flu shot and Asda, and the narrator is saying 'October 16th.....' and I stop in my tracks!! Today is October 16th!! Weird eh? Coincidence.. yes!

Been trying to decide whether to get a car or not! I miss driving, I want a car, but do I need a car?? 

M.

Fall in love with moments..

Not really a quote, but, certainly something to think on...

Moments like when I took the photograph above.. snapshots of our lives

 

I'm sure one day I'll stop posting photography from back home.. or at least old ones, new ones are better ...

People from England who live abroad and still call England home, so I am allowing myself that privilege now, with Spain, my heart will always be there.. among the Málaga and Cadiz mountains and across the plains between them..

Down on the Costa del Sol beaches and flitting from best remembered bars and chirinquitos..

Ghosts of loved ones and friends shall always remain...

Yes, I am better, quite suddenly yesterday afternoon, better! Just my normal tired, which is fine, been dealing with that for decades, so just pleased my antibodies have won the war on COVID that was attacking me so vehemently!

Just in time for my flu shot tomorrow, I hope! And blood test tomorrow, another one! 

I ventured out last night too, into town no less, in the evening in the dark! Beware the dark ... Stay clear of the forest, sorry I mean beware the moors, stay on the path!

Had a nice evening, a non alcoholic gin y tónica, and was home by 20:45!!

It is most definitely autumn now, that wonderful autumnal smell, feeling, the promise of Halloween, of log fires, frost on the hedgerow, pimping out the spiders webs in silver frosting.. the sunlight glistening on melting frost.. 

Ooops sorry, Waxing lyrical! 

M.

Need a quote and searched my notes, this isn't really a quote, and I may have published this before, but it caught my eye and shall now reside here .

Boundaries we make for ourselves, too scared, some of us, to break free, to realize our own selves, to be brave enough to just be us and not feeling caged by own self-made electronic fences.

 

A photograph from my trip back home last month, alright feels like months ago, I guess, coming back and feeling sick hasn't helped with that!

I am better, but no way better better.. I am so incredibly exhausted, can't even tell you.

Fed up that I could have had my surgery today, and now still don't know when it will be.. and so tired... Still, sleeping at night is a bonus eh!

I did get out Saturday, a coffee near a marina, and hardly a walk around then some lunch, was lovely, but too tiring.. And today, walked to Asda and home, need to get out, need to exercise and try and build up my strength but just so damn tired!! 

Which is funny, because I'm normally not a 100% awake anyways but now it's ten times worse! 

M.

We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.

Cynthia Ozick - Short Story Writer-Novelist-Essayist

January 2021, home.

Test kit this morning faulty, so awaiting new kits to arrive today! Still feeling crappy, dizzy, weak and my right eye is so sore.

It's reminding me of the awful eye infection I had June 2020, when I ended up having a call with the eye department of Coventry Hospital and my wonderful client paying for a taxi to bring me my medication, penicillin! Doctor on the phone said I could have lost my vision in that eye had I not done something about it.. I had had two earlier infections, the two months preceding this worse one, and only been given cream for my eye... But then, who knew it was something worse.

So today, actually a poem, from one of the Pod casts about a spy in France during WW2..

It says on Google it's is now commonly used for funerals 

***

The life that I have is all that I have

And the life that I have is yours.

The love that I have of the life that I have

Is yours and yours and yours.

A sleep I shall have

A rest I shall have,

Yet death will be but a pause,

For the peace of my years in the long green grass

Will be yours and yours and yours.

Leo Marks (1920--2001) was an English poet, playwright/screenwriter (he wrote the excellent Peeping Tom) and cryptographer. He showed a fondness for codebreaker from a young age, and during World War II worked for the SOE--the British espionage agency given the task of helping resistance movements in Occupied France.

***

The kits came yesterday afternoon! I'm negative now!! 

And also now it's Friday afternoon, I went to bed about 7pm last night and woke up at 8am! Two things COVID have helped me with a) my ankles are not swelling up now! Laying down all day and night definitely helps with swollen ankles! It's my heart meds by the way!! And instead of my anklet being either close fitting or too tight, I've been able to fit three fingers under the cord, laying against my ankle together not one on the of the other!! Obviously!! 

And 2) I've slept! Not something I can normally do! 

And yes the two things a) and 2) were on purpose to make you laugh! And now I see you didn't even notice! 

Today this morning I went down to Asda, was tiring and wobbly and weird to be out in the world after six days, I felt very zombie like.. and the world looked different somehow, coming back was heavy going, it's up hill, but only just, nothing like back home.. 

Oh in Asda, I bought a Kraken (as in Kraken rum,) glass, a spare for my son, couldn't complete my purchases until an assistant came to check on a flagged product. I said the only thing I have is a glass? Is there an age limit now for buying glasses! We laughed! Apparently so she said! Saying it was for my son she said 'well, make sure he only drinks squash from it then!' I said, he's 45!! 

I've spent the rest of the day doing nothing much, but have remained downstairs all day, so that's a bonus, see if I can manage to stay awake until 8 tonight!

M.

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult.

Seneca - BC-65 AD - Philosopher