Tuesday, March 02, 2010



notes from monday 22/02/10

these weeks have been harder than any other part of my life, i know although alone most of the time, when not actually with my mom, i have not been alone with peoples thoughts, prayers and love.

seeing and speaking to franco, and pippa every day has kept me sane, just, knowing my sons are here even if i just cried and cant speak much... the time when they were both away, tonys two weeks which felt like months, i prayed again that Mom would still be 'here' on their return...

it seems like it has snowed every day i have been here.. not true i know, but a huge amount of the time it has, with days of blue sky and sunshine thrown in now and again.

today 22nd february, Mom has been in such awful pain, she had been lucky, a high pain threshold and strength,but yesterday afternoon she was in agony, they had put her on a pain killer, intravienous along with an anti sickness drug, but it didnt touch how she felt, crying out, begging for help, saying help me help me.. wont someone help me.. first they gave her a double dose of morphone orally, then half hour later an injection also. it seemed to help at last a little, i had arrived at 10am and left at 6pm, not wanting to go, fearful of leaving her.. her baby as she had called me earlier..

they had had to give her more pain killer injection this morning before i arrived and the intravenous dose has been upped.. the pain is in her neck, back, chest, she feels she cannot breathe, but is...

to hear my Mom crying for help and not being able to do a thing is pain beyond thinking...
she wanted her back rubbed... she held on and i pulled her up a bit yesterday so i could do so... her back so thin and boney, her hands so thin, reminds me so of my gran before she died...

i shouldn't have been surprised by the two day migraine i had over the weekend, and the tenderness in my head still now, not sure how i am keeping it together at all, so calm and strong, i can talk to people about it all sometimes, then i break.. and back at Moms, i cry....

i want her to be safe, and out of pain, young and healthy once more, running wild around central park with my dad... i want her to forget this awfulness of illness and this pain, she is not used to this pain and asks for it to end, the drugs i think are causing her to say things that dont make sense, just silly stuff mixed up words, she is still complaining about the bed though, and being uncomfortable and why dont they fix it for her! she says she wants to get up and walk around and sit in a chair...

in the hospital they got up her out of bed using a harness, twice, for a moment or two, but her legs are painful, she hasnt sat in a chair or moved of her own free will now for 7 weeks, she has stopped living while still being alive....

the snow is still falling...big tv movie christmas card fairy flakes of snow...

i am just glad she is sleeping now, waking up occasionally to ask when i got here, how long i have been here, or to complain about the pillows...its breaking me into pieces seeing her in such pain.

this morning i went down stairs while the nurses where attending to Mom and in the reception was a someone i knew from a few years back... i think early nineties, she and her husband had a coffee shop in town... she starts work here today as a carer.. small world, and one i am glad to find so...she hasnt changed a bit! maybe she has been sent in my hours of need... my prayers are going all out for Moms hours of need now.. a prayer for release of her pain and suffering

these days are all the same, alarm, food, leave, bus, Mom, leave, food, sleep...

when i get back in the evening sometimes i think to call Mom, like i would used to do.

i am trying to put Mom to ease with words now too, telling her how everything is ok with franco and i with regard to work, money, health... that the boys are both well and doing good.

that her friends have all called to say 'hello'... the flowers are blooming, spring is in the air.

then i turn her mind towards her home town, talking of central park, our trip to paris, the London Eye, the Phantom of the Opera... Italy.. what my cousins are doing in the states.. weddings coming, babies due...

i am trying to put Moms mind to rest...to release her of any worries... that we're all good to go...

of course i may remember this façade, and never believe a word the boys tell me when, well when...

today the weather is all over the place(!) which i guess it usually is being weather ever where,
but i arrived in beautiful sun with a bit of a fresh breeze which was actually welcoming, but it
has rained, got cloudy and dark, then the sun has come out all over again.. strange weather, Mom was born in a storm back 1928 in NY city.. the storm is back, and its coming from the states!

last day of february already tomorrow, i have been here 7 or is it 8 weeks? seems like forever...

i keep running out of ebooks, i had made the mistake of downloading for 21 days and then with only 3 books allowed at any one time, its a long wait, i downloaded one for 7 days, the minimum two days ago and have just finished reading it, so have to wait 5 days before it clears, and the other two dont clear till march 7th, so its back to a puzzle magazine and another article magazine i guess for now...

last night, as most night 4 phone calls from people enquiring about Mom, but every call sends
my heart frantic, and people dont know what to say... i dont know what to say.. especially to those i dont really know, family of Mom's i dont really know, or friends from way back when i havent seen or heard about for donkeys years, my friends who call, i can say more, even if they cant, bless them...

i am having even weirder dreams than usual for me, totally extreme and strange, i try to interpret them when i awake, but some are beyond me!

Mom asks, well did, not too much talking this week at all, but she was asking about how i am doing with sorting through her books and bit and bobs, i tell her nothing has left the house, i cant, i have things sorted now, and boxes, and bags, and a list of sorts...i am finding it hard to place some furniture, well there is only the huge pine wardrobe and pine bookcase mom is really worried about, but even if people could use them, they dont want them, and i understand why, we may have lots of furniture in our homes that has belonged to persons past, well especially if brought up like me within a house full of antiques! and i dont mean the family! but its a bit different when it belongs to someone you know maybe...

so i guess everything will go to charities...apart from the family things of course...

time has passed now and its march 2nd, tuesday, Mom hasnt had any food now for almost a week i, a few spoons of soup or soft food, but non since last week at all. she is breathing out through her mouth so it was almost impossible for her to even drink from a straw or a beaker, so on sunday i started feeding her through a syringe, needle-less syringe, just pushing a little fluid into her mouth, but yesterday she didnt move at all, so no fluid, and today they have said no fluids given anymore incase she sucks it into her lungs.

today unlike yesterday though she has been in pain again, a lot, which was troubling her greatly, they gave her two injections, and upped the dose on the box they automaticly feeds drugs in, every so many minutes now. thank goodness the second injection helped, it cuts like a knife hearing my Mom in pain... she slept calmer the rest of the day...

she is just laying there... saturday, or friday? she was talking about having been bad and that God wouldnt want her, so i told her, she had been good, and not to worry, that unless she had buried someone under the back yard she really didnt have much to worry about... she gave me a strange look!!! but i reassured her, i think, and then she said how worried she was about me... so, again i tried to put her mind at rest...

i did ask for something though... and she said yes, so i pulled the table thing out of the way, lowered her bed down and went in for a hug... she wrapped her arms around me, telling me she loved me...

please pray for my Mom... to be at peace....

Marian

5 comments:

Lightborrower said...

Oh (((((((Marian))))))) You poor wounded kid. How I wish we all could avoid such suffering --that of your mom, and your own. I'm so sorry. You are being not only a good daughter, but a dear friend and angel to her. She will remind you of this sweetness when you two meet beyond here in perfect health and joy. I am praying for your mom, and for you and the rest of the family.

Christine said...

Marian,I am so sorry I really really know how you are feeling having had the same experiance.All I can wish you is strength to carry on.Through your blog I feel I know you and your Mom and I feel so sad for you.Please keep strong,All my love Chrissie x x x

Marian said...

Thank you both so much... i am writing this almost 24hrs after my Mom has passed away...thank you again my friendsxx

Pia said...

:') Beatiful notes Marian. Thanks for sharing.

Marian said...

Pia - ;-) xx