Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Somebody told me today how well I look... Wasn't sure how to answer​ and thought​ better to say nothing...

My grief isn't on my body, down my arms or legs, it isn't written on my face in general conversation... Sat with sun glasses​ on I am surprised the person had any clue as to my thoughts or state of mind, my eyes hidden behind the tinted lenses...read my eyes, they're the window to my dying heart.

I am sure most people who pass me by don't stop in their tracks and think to shout out loud "OMG look at that woman, what the hell!!!"

I write this as I lay in bed, another night where the truth is killing me, where the reality is raw, while I cry and say out loud to Franco to come home... Please. Last night something on TV made me rush to Google a song title, got the wrong one... But listened and cried to it all the same, back to the 1970's... Bobby Goldsboro's


...and Honey, I miss you
And I'm bein' good
And I'd love to be with you
If only I could..

I understand Franco even more so now, hating the nights, the quietness, the reality of life, when thoughts and feelings become more intense with the silence... What awful thoughts were going through his mind every night, and why he had to keep the TV on to block them out, I hated my thoughts then too, and still do.

I made a huge meal tonight, thinking I was making it for us... Why bother. I even took photographs to show Franco... 

Pippa hurt herself while I was away, because I was away, if I hadn't of been it wouldn't have happened, and I wouldn't have been if Franco was here... Now my poor Pip has lost a nail and nearly a second one, had to have x-rays, and pain meds, because we weren't here.

Thank god they didn't tell me, I don't know what I would have done, I don't know what I'll do.

While I was away, I was sending a message.... Saying what aunt Rita and I were doing, the last word in the sentence came out wrong and got sent without me touching 'send', then a big thumbs up popped up from me (!!!??) Followed by a 0, Op and please! All sent separately!! I hope that was Franco telling me he is okay...

Wish it would do it again...

Tried to sort out cables behind TV today, I would normally have done it, but not the fixing something to the wall bit of it. Also changed a lightbulb in the bathroom, more of a Franco job, he worried about me falling off the ladder, as well he might, and the bloody vertigo I have again made it that much more fun! I knew I was changing it today, but hung on just late enough that the house was getting gloomy! Like me! Then I changed some other electric cables about, just for fun!

I have to buy a new garden hose too, this one is losing more water from the tap than anywhere else!! 

Went shopping today, first Aldi, got most of our stuff, then thought I would go to Mercadona and just get the rest there and then! So double whammy of supermarket shopping! And that was after walking Pip, and walking to town and back... and Pip and I walked again later this evening! Never a dull moment.

It's late, it's hot and the ceiling fan is talking to me! No I have not 'completely' lost the plot! And you can Google it if you want! In fact let me do it!! Apophenia lol... I must add that to my misaphonia and face-making Greek name on my Twitter!! By the by don't let the title 'hearing loss' stop you from reading the very interesting subject...

I'll post this now while my brain works out what words I'm hearing from the fan until I have to turn it off because as always, it keeps changing its mind!!

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