Nice little trip into town, Nottingham, this afternoon, appointment for my boob screening! Or as a friendly calls it, boob press!! 

Sorry, saying is all! Too much info? Deepest apologies but my life, as you know, is mapped on my pages, bled out sometimes among the lines, between the lines most often.. afraid of giving it all here, yet, hopeless to keep it in.. or too helpless not to! 

Good at confusing every one with words and plot twists and turns! 

Anyways! I was early, in and out before my appointment time, and time for a KFC, Christmas special! Thank you very much KFC! Been longing for the Christmas special, watching the same advert night after night! Now I've had my yearly taste of it maybe I'll stop saying, 'I want that!' or maybe not!

Was pretty in town, sky a beautiful blue, with red tinges from the setting sun, the Christmas market lights sparkling, people happy.. 

Was lovely journey home ...

This evening the tree! At last? Yes, better late than never I guess! Simple, not too a great many ornaments, not sure if I've lost any, I know I had only bought a new tree the year before I moved, and I think a few more baubles, they're on the tree, and my few tree decorations.. I buy something most years, to add to the tree.. Treeeeee, why have I said it so many times! Leaving it as I've written it now! 

Not speaking into my phone, writing!

Yesterday after I wrote, I opened a Christmas box, and there were only a few Christmassy things in there, the rest were all ornaments! 

Things I had thought lost, but also not the special things I still can't find! 

I think my head is so messed up over the move, that somehow I also keep thinking that I've left stuff in my lock up!! Which is impossible!

How could I have taken to the charity shop the things most precious to me? I'll stop saying this soon, I'll go through everything, one more time, obviously I hadn't, or the things I found yesterday wouldn't have been such a surprise.. 

But, when all is said and done with the boxes, I'll stop, I'll mourn yet more things I have lost, and just have to let go, move on.. kick myself hard, beat my head against a wall and cry yet more tears... 

Change the subject!

This morning I finished watching a great movie, Bride Hard .. watch it! Great movie! Love the Die Hard connection with the name... 

It'll be a keeper on my list!

Now, time for TV, relax, then sleep, fingers crossed; and, perchance to dream.. 

M.

We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter. 

Denis Diderot

Nice day yesterday, sky was mostly blue, sun was mostly out, very mild for this time of the year! 

Was train and tram into Nottingham, visit with my son, catch up and back to town... Had a wander around, crazy busy! Mayhem was already ensueing! 

I am talking into my phone again to write my blog, it just seems easier as long as I keep an eye on what is being sent out on here and not miss heard by Google. Lols it wrote 'herd' Oh dear!! 

So I am now pottering around and moving things around until things find their home, which made me laugh when just telling a friend, because I have been moving around for 66 years and I'm still not sure where I'm supposed to be! Well, that's not strictly true, I did feel home, as soon as my feet touched the tarmac August 3rd 1988, en suelo español. And yes, that's still where I am with that. But where I am supposed to be? Is that a different thing?

I found a little plastic tub that I'd obviously filled up with items as I left home, I thought it only had thread and needles in there mostly, but it seems I had placed other odd items in there... It's very annoying today talking my Blog..  as I speak it doesn't understand the difference between they're there and their! See Y eso me ha dicho and in Spanish! That means 'and that's what he told me!' Not sure who 'he' is, and it's not what I said!

And so inside my little plastic box, I found my collection of Costa Coffee badges that I had collected from the Costa Coffee in Aylesbury!

I bet if I walked into Costa anywhere now wearing them no one working there would even remember them! Mostly not even born then! 

Also in there which expectedly would be quite a few buttons, I have a huge collection of buttons in a button tin, have I mentioned that before? They belonged to me my mom, my grandmother and my great-grandmother at least! 

I keep meaning to take them all and get them to my daughter-in-law, she will make much better use of them than I ever have.

There was also Pippa's first collar which was a bit sad to see, and the smallest tiniest little silver pot with a mother of pearl lid and a black elephant on the top, I was fairly buoyant, fairly happy just going through these things, then I opened the pot and the world stopped, did anyone else notice? Did anyone fall off the planet when gravity ceased to exist? No!?! Just me then, it has a very small amount of Franco's hair inside. 

Is our family weird collecting hair? I have mourning jewelry with hair, dating back generations. My mom's baby hair, my own, my boys... 

I think it's time for me to get back to my movie I started watching, and paused about half an hour ago it's a horror film I'm watching, needed a break from Christmas movies, chick flicks, and or any other movies that can be a bit sad this time of the year. 

M.

I wonder if the only way this world will work is if we learn to coexist with the past as well as the future

A few words on a Facebook page, purloined here, has prompted my photograph taken at Cabopino a few years ago.. 

Christmas makes me spike high with expectations and down with loss, missing, broken dreams.. 

Childhood hopes mainly I think... 

Haven't got the tree up yet, but it's here and waiting, delivery man asked when he dropped something else off yesterday!! I wonder if he remember everything he has delivered to everyone!! WoW! That would be impressive! 

Maybe at Christmas going far far away would work! Of course, I'd only be there when I got there, so I am guessing not! It's good having my things around me, but they do feel as though they're not where they should be, where they were, for twenty three years.

Nothing to report today! Rained a little last night, sunny now! And this isn't a weather report Blog! Although I have noticed last couple of weeks they've had snow down south twice already! Not seen any up here, want to say up north! Bit I'm in the East Midlands! Phone wanted to say East Islands... Sounds nice! 

Needing a new Tattoo, sorry aunt Rita! Thinking little scarab beetle? 

Okay,. get a little bit random now, just chittering on now! 

Update on knee? Still bruised, still a lump and still hurting! Post surgery.. still have issues!

Funny how even when I'm not feeling too great myself I can still lift others, still raise positive thoughts. We never do listen to ourselves do we.

It occurred to me yesterday, also, I spent fifteen years feeling as though Spain was my home, while I waited to move there, then lived there until last year, apart from the short break in Wales, still had my home there... And visited as much as I could. Thirty-six years is a long time to feel at home somewhere, to feel in the right place, to see what I used to see every day.. and feel at peace... Until I didn't.. 

Although when I visit, it truly feels like coming home.

M.

Things we lose always have a way of coming back to us again

Harry Potter 

Our new Christmas mugs! Spruced up for my blog! Does look much better with that foamy cream

Ok friends I am going to speak my blog today as I have been gone for well over two weeks, not gone gone, just gone from blogging!

On the Tuesday following my last blog I'd gone out for a walk along the canal and on my return not far from home I took a step off the curb and fell onto the road, both my knees and both my wrists and hands took a really hard knock, and as it was the weekend after I built 5 or 6 items of furniture from IKEA, I was already feeling the effects of that.

I picked myself up off the road and continued over I stopped by a car wash and the girl that works there came over to check I was okay, she asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee but I said as I was so near to home I would just get back, but thanked her.

So still two weeks and a day after falling I still have a bruised left knee and a lump I can't kneel on my left knee at all and I do feel I should have gone to urgency, but there is no way after my recent visits to urgency but I plan on going anytime soon. 

I realise I may have seriously damaged my patella, but I'm just going to leave it for a while longer. 

I have which you will not have noticed on here as you only get to know what I write that, I have moved into a house not too far from my sons, it is just a short train and tram ride away and can be there within an hour, I am in Derbyshire now just over the border literally just a few minutes from the M1 motorway.

I am watching all the Christmas crap, sorry I mean wonderful Christmas movies that I watch every year, and last few days watching Harry Potter movies, I am listening to all the books on Amazon audio what's it called, Audible of course that's what it's called! 

I am missing home home home, nope saying it's three times does not get me back I thought I would try! 

The weather hasn't been too bad a few days of rain here all there but still really mild 12 degrees the other day, maybe this house is quite warm. 

On Sunday at at sons, we all went into town three grandparents and three children, I am including my son in the children section!

We had a great time wandering around the shops, we had lunch at McDonald's and I now am a proud owner of the Grinch socks, as advertised on TV! They are odd socks which works perfectly for me as I always wear, odd socks!

We got back home thank Cassie and I had an hour before we headed back out on the tram, and back into town, we had tickets for Wicked two, we popped into a nearby Tesco's supermarket and picked up sweets and water comma and still early, as my son had predicted! We then wondered into a store not far from the cinema that Cassie wanted to go in, it's a great store quite goth filled with jewelry unusual clothes unusual bits and pieces, we wondered around on the ground floor then Cassie said let's go downstairs, so I followed her down. 

She was ahead of me on the stairs and at the bottom of the stairs looked in front of her and to the left at the shelving there, I was still walking down and looked across to my right where I saw a man behind the counter, he looked at me and I immediately read his expression I hadn't realized quite how psychic I am! I looked to the right of him, and the shelving there! I said to my granddaughter come on let's go, and she complained but turned around and headed up the stairs in front of me, the guy at the counter nodded and I nodded back. 

My granddaughter complained that I hadn't allowed her to carry on looking around the shop, and I said to her that it would be another 10 years before I would go in that shop again with her at least downstairs, or even tell her why! 

As I tried not to laugh out loud I couldn't help smiling, when I thought of the interaction between the shopper assistant and myself as he tried and succeeded in getting me to see, the huge array of adult toys that were on the shelf down in that corner!!! 

So funny, a real memory moment, then of course we headed into the cinema, we were screen two of the Broadway Cinema in Nottingham and the seats were plush comfortable didn't fold in half when Cassie moved around, a year ago when we went at a different screen the seat kept trying to swallow her up! 

No I don't know if I have caught up yet really with everything, I have left my lock up, I have at last retrieved all my belongings, there seems to be some things missing although I haven't actually opened all of the wrappings yet. 

Time will tell, and it seems strange to see my things somewhere other than home I think, it's not just been falling over, but my head has been in a strange place, still is. 

I sometimes just wish , I just wish so much that life hadn't forced my path to change, and saying this out loud now, makes it so much more difficult, because I feel like I'm talking to friends and therefore my eyes are now leaking! 

Let's change the subject! Christmas is nearly upon us we have advent calendars to open, we have the wonderful Christmas adverts on the TV, and I genuinely mean that actually. 

I had missed the Christmas adverts which also break the heart, I am enjoying I'm a celebrity get me Out of Here, it is really the only thing that I watch like that on TV.

I am wandering how many mistakes have been made whilst I speak into my phone, it doesn't always pick up exactly what I'm saying, and maybe, it never picks up what I'm thinking. 

Time to end for today, apologies for my lateness, must try better! Now it's time for another cup of coffee and back to Harry Potter! 

M.

I wonder, How much love in this world Hides behind silence?

-THE RANDOM STORIES

Getting especially addicted to the AI option on my phone! But certainly gets my All Bran bright and Christmas sparkly!

So, yesterday, the dark day of November 10th, I shouldn't be maudlin.. Apologies.. time heals they say? But I'd like to meet these people, see how their life experiences have differed from mine..

'I know how you feel; yes I can imagine; this is my advice; this is how I would manage your problem' 

Yeah, walk in the shoes of people who have had to overcome parts of their lives that have broken them .. and I don't just mean me, of course not .. People have, and are, suffering way more than me, and you.  We have no real idea... If you're reading this you're a very lucky person in so many ways...

Sorry head in weird place me thinks, today!

Time to change, the subject!

Saw these Christmas sweaters in Asda just now, made me want to buy them and get back to work at Overseas, where the view from the shop doorway is the Mediterranean.. Christmas tunes blaring from the speakers all day, every day of December, dancing down the aisles in our Christmas sweaters.. Yep, miss work, miss my friends there, miss many of the customers.. Probably why I hang out around supermarkets now! Seeing small insights small similarities, makes me smile... Good memories.

Even those people coming in complaining the advent calendars had run out and no more stock coming in... Well, after three months of being in store they would be gone, right! 

Then the mince pies on the counter, 50/50 ratio more or less, in those that love them, from September to December, and those that hate them, complaining about them even being there for sale!?!

We must waste so much of our lives complaining about what we don't like, don't want... Instead of being grateful and happy about the good things we have, can see, can feel...

Oops, dropped back down to wherever I began my post! Is this what All Bran does!! Lols 

Okay, got my surgery report yesterday, thankfully at last, nothing gory coming up, no red flags and warning bells!

The LST/NG was removed en bloc, taken as one piece, that means, less risk of leaving anything unwanted, they used a technique which mentioned an ESD speedboat!?! And nine clips used!!

Anyways, they did it, I'm healing and all good!

I feel like a good walk along a river bank or through a forest, wellies on and squelching through the mulch.. that wonderful earthy smell I missed of England when living in Spain .. I need to fill up on some positive effects of nature, breathe and pause, and breathe some more..

It did rain last night and stopped this morning before I went out.. But, I am also feeling really tired, I couldn't fall asleep last night, then as usually follows, awoke too early!

M.

I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.

Joshua Graham

Going to get myself up in a minute! Been listening to a book for a couple of hours, nipped down for a coffee, but need to shake myself up, get up, have my rusk and warm milk and then get down to Asda! Need some more soup! And maybe a yoghurt, can't get much softer than yoghurts! 

Stomach is hurting again sitting so maybe getting up and moving about will help now.

You know I Googled that strange dreamlike weird thing when I couldn't sleep the other night.. had some strange meanings.. which I won't bother you with!! Lols 

Sat now, second cup of coffee, and first Farley's Rusk under my belt! I have already called City hospital, a really helpful guy is going to print out and send me my report, which the system in the Queens Med had been unable to do on Monday, and he also advised me on what other soft foods I can eat until Saturday! Very helpful...

I am dressed and ready for my short walk, wish me luck! Lols, well it'll be too late by the time you read this maybe!

It could be years!! 

Music track today, and it's John Lewis's Christmas 2025 advert.. 

I realized just now watching a Christmas Advert on TV, I have missed these adverts, not having seen the Christmas Adverts for so long, or only intermittently.. 

I guess some people may say "Christmas ads! Ooerrr again already!."

But, some of them are so beautifully thought out and made.. Small stories.. straight to the heart ..

M.

The dead don't disappear 

Not while they're loved..

Quote from an episode of Strike 

 

Mathern, a village in Wales..

But first of course I better update on surgury.. 

Went in about 10:30 Monday morning, for my 11am admission, was a bit of a deja vu feel about it all, after last week, but I was signed in, checks done, signed all the forms and trollied off to the theatre about 12:45ish..

Every one very nice, felt very cared for and looked after... In the bit before the theatre, the prep room... They put in the cannula, BP arm band, the stickers and then an injection for something and the oxygen mask... The anesthesiatist said think of a happy place .. so I put myself on the boardwalk at Calahonda.. and knew no more .. 

I can't actually remember coming back around in the recovery room, but obviously I did, because they moved me back into my ward half an hour later... Was 4:30 then...

Reclined my chair and covered me up with a blanket.. where I snoozed!

I came home about 7pm and went to bed about an hour later.. slept sort of until 3am yesterday morning, then just laid in bed listening to a book until I got up about 9ish.

Baz took the day off to look after me, I wasn't allowed to be left alone for the first 24hrs...

And also no food for 24hrs after the surgery..

So last night about six I had something? Oh soup, I had cream of chicken soup... 

Yesterday I had a very very sore throat and speaking wasn't easy... 'Yeah yeah yeah!!' and a very painful abdomen area .. All to be expected.. 

Today tummy still hurts, but not as bad, and throat getting better.. A long as I don't talk too much!! 

I didn't get my report, and I didn't get a food plan.. So that's been worrying me a bit, winging it on the soft food I can eat, today had a rusk for breakfast and three hours later another one, with warm milk .. love those things! Then three hours later I had half a can of cream of mushroom soup, the other half three hours later! So four meals today, if you can call them meals! And a Complan just now, for some goodness! 

I guess I'll sort of repeat tomorrow, if I can't get hold of anyone to answer my question about what to eat!! 

I know it's soft foods for 72 after after the non food 24hrs .. 

So a good meal Saturday, although I have to admit I'll be a bit worried as the point of soft foods is that nothing hurts the site of the operation, for obvious reasons.

Anyways, I survived it! And I was scared, it's just not a good time of the year, I know remembering dates from past painful times doesn't help... 

But I'll never forget...

Last night although exhausted, I couldn't sleep! And after waking up at 3am yesterday morning and still seeing 2am this morning!! Made yesterday a very long day! Lols 

I watched a bit of TV, played a bit of solitaire, then listened to my book, I expected sleep .. instead I had sone weird hallucination! It was as though I was floating low near the ground, and all I could see was earth and rocks and faces there in... Was horrible, and my mind kept trying to see anything else, I was trying to think of something else to stop what I was seeing... Yet on and on I floated .. just earth and rocks and faces!! 

Then I slept, woke up, broke my glass, mopped that up, picked up glass! and couldn't sleep again!!

Tired today, but can't see sleep coming easy tonight..  its usually just lots of waking up and turning over like the ever turning kebab! Falling asleep is usually easy .. hate it when it's not.

All these photographs I took on November 5th 2018.. in Mathern where I was in a placement.. end of life care...

M.

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?

Rose Kennedy

Happy all Hallows Eve!

Highfields Park, Nottingham, yesterday... Beautiful autumnal day for a walk around here.. 

We actually went to an area of the hospital to pick up my pre surgery preparation pack.. and it's very close to this park.

They called again, the hospital, and changed my appointment again, which is better than the 10th, less bad omen feel for me, especially... 

It is now the 4th of November, Monday!

Which is great, just my body so has not sorted itself out from its last pre surgery prep. 

Stomach feels crappy, and it's all over the place! 

Added to that a bad back! Maybe a mix of stress, and, or? Sunday night I had to have easy and quick access to the bathroom, so we had a switch around of bedrooms and I was in a bunk bed, which was great, actually,  but not easy to jump into or out of in a hurry, and getting out of is a hurry, as any of you might know if you've had a colonoscopy.

Without getting into it too much, this was my fourth pre colonoscopy prep. but I've never had this after-effect before, I guess it having only been May since the last my body is not liking it! 

Whose would to be honest!?! 

And now I am putting it through it again, immediately! I can't eat for 24 hours after the surgery is only, and then only soft foods for a further 72 hours..

After Mondays disappointment, I had thought a good meal, a glass of wine .. would be a thing for this weekend, but no..

And to be honest, not next either, I am worrying myself sick that maybe I'll be too scared to eat anything that could risk effecting the surgery area, ever again!

But living on soup or other non chewable items probably wouldn't be a good onwards journey for a body!

M.

They whispered to her You cannot withstand the storm She whispered back I AM The Storm!

These strangely gathered photographs today.. I searched 'streets' in my gallery and these were there, amongst a thousand others, of course! 

Above taken in Pembrey Country Park about eleven years ago.. they had a huge ammunitions dump here during WW2.. It really is a beautiful park,.we camped there for a few nights, took me 24 hours after going cold turkey with no data signal to calm down, and basically, just get over it already!! 

Above also in Wales, Merthyr Tydfil, very spooky looking house!

And, yes, this also, an amazingly shaped tree, wind blown by the ever present sea breeze along the beautiful coast land of the Gower..

***

So, what we really need to speak about is my surgery appointment yesterday.

I went through the ordeal of Movicol, after three days of non fibre, and then no food at all.

Up at 3am yesterday morning, for second dose of Movicol, this is a one litre drink that's tastes disgusting, has to be drunk over an hour, 250 ml every fifteen minutes.. the first dose followed by a couple of litres of water to flush it through.. and at 3:30 yesterday morning, repeat the Movicol, and 500 ml of water... a thousand trips to the loo, saying no more!

And at the hospital at 9am, actually there at half eight and took half an hour to find my ward, son and his two came with me for support.. then, left me there...

I signed in, was assigned an area in my ward, and waited, had some checks done, and waited, saw someone who would be in the surgery, he told me all about what was going to happen, the good things, and of course had to tell me the bad that could; I signed the forms to acknowledge I understood what I was signing for.. was so funny when I had to put the date, I paused and looked at him blankly, he said  'the 27th' then again at month, he said 'October,' the year... My mind was completely blank I said "I can't even think of the year" and laughed, he said it's okay, that's normal, all the information about the surgery you're about to have blanks most people's minds.. he said '25'.. I said I was actually thinking 1990 something!! 

Then, I waited some more, it was a ward for six patients, all curtained off for privacy.. and as others came back they were offered sandwiches and tea or coffee, and ice-cream and I was starving!! Smelt so good!!

Then, there came two men, one from earlier and another who introduced himself as one of the surgeons.. at 4:30pm.

They told me I would not be able to have my surgery, that the first patient had had an issue, one of the things that can go wrong issue, and when patient #2 came out, he had to go back in, and that the anaesthetist goes home at 5:30.. which is fair enough, they start at 7am.. 

So! I packed up my things, took off my attractive support stockings and left for the tram..

It was the busiest I have ever been in, I didn't really need to hold on, we were like sardines in a can! Terrible, I was tired, hungry and well, felt like crying..

They had offered me a sandwich, but to be honest at that point I just wanted to come home.

After what felt like forever, got in, got into my comfies and decided KFC was dinner! Ordered it through the app and found it was saying pickup in the restaurant and no place to change it! The phone number hung up, so changed again and, in the now dark, we walked there, and brought it back... To find wrong drinks and a whole meal missing! 

WoW, what a day!

And today, on a brighter note.. well to begin with, had a phone call from the hospital to apologise for yesterday's failure to complete my surgery, but I did obviously understand and that's that really, but was nice to get that call.

Then, even better an hour or so later another call offering me another appointment! 

So it's November 10th.. we were walking to The Range and my phone rang, excellent news... Which means I have all the prep, again, the awful week before and the day before, I have to be there at 7am, so, it's a movicol at 7pm and again at 1:30!! So I guess, no sleep at all Sunday night! But I have to have it done and soon as.. 

Then, here it stops being good news... The November 10th thing...

I opened up my calendar, clicked on the date to make the appointment, and there, already the headline I see every year.. 

When Franco told me his diagnosis.. 

I can't believe the coincidence, the fate.. The chance of my surgery being cancelled and given this date?

Worse Day Of My Life... I placed those words on November 10th 2016.

The day Franco had asked me to go get five tins of Quality Street from Iceland (Overseas), and when I messaged him to say I was on my way to the hospital, where he was under investigation for his pain and sickness.. 

And he said he'd meet me outside the front, by the steps, where patients seemed to gather for fresh air... Or cigarettes!! 

I walked up with a tin of Quality Street for the nurses, others were for other people Franco wanted to give to as Christmas gifts..

He told me sit down, I refused.. and he told me the prognosis, the result of the many tests, and the worse possible news.

So, what a date they've given me, again, the chance, the coincidence, the fate... An omen? I hope if so, it's a good one, because the way my mind is.. I am not feeling it at the moment.

M.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

Buddha

Some photos I took the week the Caminito Del Rey opened it's new walk... Can't remember when now, off hand, if you're on the desktop page of my Blog use the search bar, top left-hand corner to find it.. if you want! Of course! 

Was amazing, and definitely safer than the old broken and dangerous walk for mountain climbers, and those of us who could only get close and look across! Or risk life and limb as we did and walk over the narrow path over the Ravine, below.. we walked from the left-hand side to the right, at that time, maybe 20 years ago? There was nothing much to stand on on the right! 

Been a stressful week, and been on a non fibre diet for last three days, white bread, white rice blah blah blah..

And today at 7pm I start the awful drink, a litre to be drunk over an hour, then lots of water, two litres or so... Try to sleep later, then about 3am, the second drink, repeat process, no more liquids from 7am.. into hospital for 9am and .. well, there we go! 3 to 4 hours surgery and hopefully all well afterwards.

Got my head in a bad place, being positive is only something I can be for others...

M.

 

Cabopino Beach..

Today someone said he thought he had seen me on beach, back home, I guess my spirit or soul sometimes goes a wandering...

Had my flu shot this morning, arm aches already! Usually the next day but this was quicker.. then few hours later blood test taken, different arm!! If that even makes a difference eh! 

So tired again today, I was out for an hour and a half this morning, also defrosted and cleaned the fridge freezer, and cleaned the bathroom floor, whoever put black mirror type tiles down on a bathroom floor never intended to have to clean them! Nightmare!

Been having bad dreams as well, adding insult to injury with my bad sleeping.. 

Had one of those weird moments this morning, listening to Harry Potter on my ear buds, just coming home from flu shot and Asda, and the narrator is saying 'October 16th.....' and I stop in my tracks!! Today is October 16th!! Weird eh? Coincidence.. yes!

Been trying to decide whether to get a car or not! I miss driving, I want a car, but do I need a car?? 

M.

Fall in love with moments..

Not really a quote, but, certainly something to think on...

Moments like when I took the photograph above.. snapshots of our lives

 

I'm sure one day I'll stop posting photography from back home.. or at least old ones, new ones are better ...

People from England who live abroad and still call England home, so I am allowing myself that privilege now, with Spain, my heart will always be there.. among the Málaga and Cadiz mountains and across the plains between them..

Down on the Costa del Sol beaches and flitting from best remembered bars and chirinquitos..

Ghosts of loved ones and friends shall always remain...

Yes, I am better, quite suddenly yesterday afternoon, better! Just my normal tired, which is fine, been dealing with that for decades, so just pleased my antibodies have won the war on COVID that was attacking me so vehemently!

Just in time for my flu shot tomorrow, I hope! And blood test tomorrow, another one! 

I ventured out last night too, into town no less, in the evening in the dark! Beware the dark ... Stay clear of the forest, sorry I mean beware the moors, stay on the path!

Had a nice evening, a non alcoholic gin y tónica, and was home by 20:45!!

It is most definitely autumn now, that wonderful autumnal smell, feeling, the promise of Halloween, of log fires, frost on the hedgerow, pimping out the spiders webs in silver frosting.. the sunlight glistening on melting frost.. 

Ooops sorry, Waxing lyrical! 

M.

Need a quote and searched my notes, this isn't really a quote, and I may have published this before, but it caught my eye and shall now reside here .

Boundaries we make for ourselves, too scared, some of us, to break free, to realize our own selves, to be brave enough to just be us and not feeling caged by own self-made electronic fences.

 

A photograph from my trip back home last month, alright feels like months ago, I guess, coming back and feeling sick hasn't helped with that!

I am better, but no way better better.. I am so incredibly exhausted, can't even tell you.

Fed up that I could have had my surgery today, and now still don't know when it will be.. and so tired... Still, sleeping at night is a bonus eh!

I did get out Saturday, a coffee near a marina, and hardly a walk around then some lunch, was lovely, but too tiring.. And today, walked to Asda and home, need to get out, need to exercise and try and build up my strength but just so damn tired!! 

Which is funny, because I'm normally not a 100% awake anyways but now it's ten times worse! 

M.

We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.

Cynthia Ozick - Short Story Writer-Novelist-Essayist

January 2021, home.

Test kit this morning faulty, so awaiting new kits to arrive today! Still feeling crappy, dizzy, weak and my right eye is so sore.

It's reminding me of the awful eye infection I had June 2020, when I ended up having a call with the eye department of Coventry Hospital and my wonderful client paying for a taxi to bring me my medication, penicillin! Doctor on the phone said I could have lost my vision in that eye had I not done something about it.. I had had two earlier infections, the two months preceding this worse one, and only been given cream for my eye... But then, who knew it was something worse.

So today, actually a poem, from one of the Pod casts about a spy in France during WW2..

It says on Google it's is now commonly used for funerals 

***

The life that I have is all that I have

And the life that I have is yours.

The love that I have of the life that I have

Is yours and yours and yours.

A sleep I shall have

A rest I shall have,

Yet death will be but a pause,

For the peace of my years in the long green grass

Will be yours and yours and yours.

Leo Marks (1920--2001) was an English poet, playwright/screenwriter (he wrote the excellent Peeping Tom) and cryptographer. He showed a fondness for codebreaker from a young age, and during World War II worked for the SOE--the British espionage agency given the task of helping resistance movements in Occupied France.

***

The kits came yesterday afternoon! I'm negative now!! 

And also now it's Friday afternoon, I went to bed about 7pm last night and woke up at 8am! Two things COVID have helped me with a) my ankles are not swelling up now! Laying down all day and night definitely helps with swollen ankles! It's my heart meds by the way!! And instead of my anklet being either close fitting or too tight, I've been able to fit three fingers under the cord, laying against my ankle together not one on the of the other!! Obviously!! 

And 2) I've slept! Not something I can normally do! 

And yes the two things a) and 2) were on purpose to make you laugh! And now I see you didn't even notice! 

Today this morning I went down to Asda, was tiring and wobbly and weird to be out in the world after six days, I felt very zombie like.. and the world looked different somehow, coming back was heavy going, it's up hill, but only just, nothing like back home.. 

Oh in Asda, I bought a Kraken (as in Kraken rum,) glass, a spare for my son, couldn't complete my purchases until an assistant came to check on a flagged product. I said the only thing I have is a glass? Is there an age limit now for buying glasses! We laughed! Apparently so she said! Saying it was for my son she said 'well, make sure he only drinks squash from it then!' I said, he's 45!! 

I've spent the rest of the day doing nothing much, but have remained downstairs all day, so that's a bonus, see if I can manage to stay awake until 8 tonight!

M.

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult.

Seneca - BC-65 AD - Philosopher

The Pipster above, one of my favourite photographs, I suppose because I remember the whole moment in time so incredibly well.. We had gone for a drive to the lakes, the Conde del Guadalhorce Reservoir, where we went a great many times of course.. we had walked and then decided to go to the bar at the top of the mountain above Bobastro, you'll not find the bar now..

But from there you can still look down at El Chorro railway station and see the trains heading to Ronda and Seville, and from up there come face to face with eagles soaring high catching the warm thermals.. 

Anyways, we went there, and Franco had gone in to order coffees, Pip was keeping an eye on him!

And here above, is mmmm forty one or forty two years ago, Tony and I, and Elsa our beautiful German Shepherd pup.

I'm writing each new post after just posting the one I wrote before! I'm going to get confused! Lol, so it's still Wednesday, I'll test again tomorrow.. need to know when I'm safe around my family. I am thinking I could try for a walk later anyways, as long as I don't go anywhere or bother anyone at all. Just to get some exercise and fresh air, although to be honest walking around the house is stretching my abilities at the moment, I'll see...

The group of series I am listening to on Spotify is called The Spy who.. and from the there it takes us on a journey through many famous spies, and the many we have never heard of, and should have.

I'm not sure, but I think I may have already listened to four series, and I don't think I am anywhere near the end yet. They are fascinating, compelling and part of our history. 

I just hope I am absorbing what I have listened to so far.. with my foggy head, I don't want to forget..

My COVID symptoms:

Sore throat 

Extreme tiredness 

Voice gravelly 

Sense of smell

Sense of taste (animal fat, meat)

Cough and yucky stuff

Aches and pains

Dizziness 

Stomachache lower abdomen 

Right eye pain, and weeping

(Weeping as in eye not my overall tears of feeling bloody awful!)

M.

Grief is our timeless gift of love. Where there is deep grief, there is great love. If we allow ourselves to love, we must also give ourselves permission to express our grief. To continue to live well and to love well depends on it.

Laurie Taylor 

Me and my mom! Rocking it in Los Angeles California styley back in the day; tv, color camera, all mods cons that were not in the England we arrived into the following next year! 

Mom and I had full washing facilities in the apartment, obviously indoor bathroom! And arriving into England to a house with an outside toilet, a tin bath that had to filled manually! And a mangle for squeezing the water out of wet clothes!! Must have been strange for my mom, me, not so much, being totally unaware really, in the grand scheme of things... She worked for Thomas A Edison, in New York City. I am guessing a son or grandson was running the business by then. Head too wooly to check.

I know, I'm sure my random posts, full of nonsense much of the time, is my way of making sense of my world.

One that from the beginning wasn't how a life should be.. although of course who says mine is the wrong way.. but it wasn't an easy one.. oh well, okay, that too then! 

But my ramblings are my way of dealing with my thoughts, which after what? Twenty three years of Blogging? Without may well have sent me to a beautiful house in the countryside where dress code would be white, and the walls very comfy to fall against! 

Okay, okay yes, being dramatic as usual! But honestly, I need to write. Definitely a book could come out of that dramatic paragraph alone! This COVID is really in my head!! 

My small book about my stepdad, Dennis C. Randall sells a few copies a year, it doesn't make me rich, I can't write something as big as I write here, among these pages, I know I can ramble more than a hundred thousand words, but they wouldn't make a cent! 

More importantly it doesn't help me empty the continental stream of words in this head of mine, like Blogging does.

Highlight of the day!! The hospital called to say they have had a cancellation and I can have my surgery on Monday yeahhhh!! Only of course I can't booooooo..

We talked and as I might still have COVID and my immune system is presently being hacked by nasty bodies attacking my lungs and heart and other organs, it can't happen! Sods law or what!! I just knew they were going to do that, my poor troubled gut told me so! It's only troubled by the way because I'm not really eating, not, of course, because of COVID!! 

M.

Quote isn't meant in a depressing way.. I say laughing in my pit, on the morning of what will be my fifth day in bed!! Seriously!! Maybe not the best of quotes! 

Life is a great sunrise and I cannot see why death wouldn't be a greater one

Vladimir Nabokov

Above photograph taken whilst walking one morning through our Sierra de Mijas back home.

This COVID thing is really getting to me now.. I'm sure I wasn't this bad before? And last time I don't remember my taste going weird? I know it's been a long two years, a change of life two years, a monumental change actually, so some things dim in memory.. 

But last night I came down to bring down my cup and saw the babes and my son sitting there munchy through mince pies, as in the sweet Christmas treat, for those of you not familiar with this beautiful sweet pastry, crammed full of fruits and spices, sometimes warmed and covered generously in cream or warm custard or vanilla ice-cream! 

Sorry! Anyways.. I asked for one, and getting it back up to my room I prepared for the above wonderful taste.. and what did I get, what weirdly can I can still taste in my mouth?? Animal fat! It literally tasted like animal fat! It tasted so bad I haven't eaten today yet because my mouth tastes so horrible I don't think I can face it again.

Last evening I made my way through a string of movies, well string of two! Both very good, but maybe not very good for watching one after the other! They were The Map of Us and Between The Lights. Both well worth watching, separately, luckily feeling so tired and ughhh I went straight to sleep after watching.

Only now feeling so extremely sad!! Like impossibly sad.. I guess being in bed for four days does nothing for us mentally, not leaving the house, I have the window wide open, but not exactly out and moving about, not that I have the energy or capability right now, having to talk into my phone half the time because it seems confusion reigns with regards to sentences and words.

Last night I woke up thinking about a couple of my old penpals.. wondering what happened to them... and wish I could just pick up a thread, pick up a line.. Alan Andre from Mauritius and Eugene Kumar from Singapore.. Cannot remember at all what the former did in Mauritius, for some reason the army comes to mind now.. and the latter worked offshore for a French company! Lols that narrows it down at lot!! No?

Watching another movie now, when I'm not feeling sorry for myself! 

It's called Jane Austen Wrecked My Life.. it's also very good, subtitles though, so have to concentrate more .. I'll add a quote from it now..

Me and my quotes eh! 

Being held prisoner by this thing I suppose does mean I'm Blogging more!! 

Oh and I tested positive again today! Will test again Thursday, why am I testing? Because I can't give this virus to someone, anyone, vulnerable, I managed to work through COVID here in England, and not a single one of my clients caught it.. I am grateful for that.

And I still feel this way. It's not a gift to give. Was looking for a phrase there, but only found sad things so stepping away from that will post now and get back to the movie, but maybe another cup of tea first.

M.

The best portion of a good man's life is his little nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love

Wordsworth

 

We often take for granted the very things t

 

Asked my telephone for sunsets, so two of these today from my Gallery.. skies from home ..

Alex Roe finally Home

Don't feel very much better, yet, I'm drinking as much as I can, teas and water of course! 

Breathing is an issue but as long as I'm not talking it's okay, my voice messages will be brief today... Strange wheezing noise coming out of me, earlier on I was wondering where it was coming from, then I realized it was me! 

I did make an order for a quick delivery but it was cancelled?!? Bit strange.. 

Tomorrow morning I'll do a COVID test again, fed up feeling like this.

I've been bingeing on series yesterday and today.. can't remember yesterday's? But then yesterday was very foggy in my head... 

Today's is Hotel Costiera, great series, it's based around a fantastic hotel in Positano on the Almalfi Coast, it has a comedy edge as they unravel mysteries.. such a beautiful area, stunning scenery, and they go into Naples which makes it even better for me...

Been awake since around 4am though and spent the first four hours listening to more spy podcasts! 

Above just an abstract photograph I took the other day in The Range.. when I guess I already had COVID!

M.

All you need is the plan, the road map, and the courage to press on to your destination.

Earl Nightingale - 1921-1989-Author-Radio Personality

Another nice evening along the river from the other day... starting to feel a bit chill now of an evening and first thing ..

At last I heard from the hospital today about my surgery, it will be October 21st or 27th!! (This was last Monday! I forgot to post then didn't feel well... Excuses excuses!)

So, yes okay, not quite exact yet but almost!

Nothing to report, I can post another photograph of course, and at the weekend the Goose Fair! 

Should have posted this last week... As aforementioned.

There was a day the week before last that I just couldn't move, was so totally exhausted, it made no sense.. Now it does, I have COVID, and again no Goose Fair, it ended yesterday, the fair, probably not the COVID... I woke up Saturday morning feeling more crappy than the day before..

It was only when my granddaughter asked me to smell some strong mints and I couldn't smell them I worried! I have some test kits so gave it a shot! Within seconds, again just like two years ago, November '23, I couldn't believe it when it immediately registered as COVID.

And also can't understand how I have had at least ten days, between the the day I couldn't move and the symptoms coming out?? How many places have I gone, trams taken, exchanges of possible infection.

Anyways, I am now hopefully in recovery, I'll test again tomorrow, Tuesday, see how it comes out. This post is all over place, blaming too much sleep and too much awake through coughing in the night, and pod casts about spies!

M.

Especially beautiful words here beneath..

If I had a flower for every time I thought of you… I could walk through my garden forever

Alfred Lord Tennyson.

Few more photographs from my visit back home, I have realized now, it will always be home, as the many people I know call England home, home shall always be Spain to me, specifically Andalucía.

Two above taken while I awaited my friend who came to drop me off at the airport...

Beautiful sunsets... The best sunsets.. 

And soon the cigar clouds will come... Roaming above like random space craft..

Isa's where we've been having coffee, since forever.. wonderful cakes, good food and service.. Happy days..

Just a short post today, well, was, I was a bit off color Thursday, eaten too many wrong things I think, my fault, sugary or fatty maybe.. or both... Just so extremely tired, and stomachache.. still sore but went to bed at 19:30 watched a bit of TV but slept on and off until 07:30 yesterday morning... Which meant yesterday had a headache from too much sleeping!! Can't win eh!! 

Woke at 4:30 this morning and not slept again, worrying about this and that, and then stupidly checking on my phone for things I was worrying about! 

The Goose fair started last night...

Was going to grab some old photographs I have taken, but on a train and the WiFi and data are not playing today!

Found this in one of my grandchildren's books.

We should all have a DEAR day, or many of them if possible! Drop Everything And Read! 

M.

Hello my love

Hello my life

Breezy (movie quote)

(Because I watched Breezy yesterday)

Forgot to hit post yesterday on the Blog! Not that I've never done that before!! Right!! 

These two photographs from just now... Well, 07:50 the one immediately above, and about 8:20 above.. 

I miss this view, not exactly, but very similar to mine... I was over a bit, further along the town, and Sierra Gorda was more directly in front of me... But it is the same... Es la misma vista.

 

My route above, that I took on the Alsa coach from T.'s down south to here.. it's broken, the route, because it was over two days of course!! 

I have my things ready to leave at a friend's for safe keeping while I am away, the same things, plus three things more! But I don't want to leave any more than this. For two reasons! For my friends sake! And it's bad enough I have the majority of my life still in boxes in a lock up, without spreading my belongings further afield.

Talking about our visit to the botanical gardens just now, I've driven past it all my life here, so easy to have gone to, at any time, we could have taken the Pipster, then we said... Life's like that, it's so true... We pass places, things, people, we think we have forever... It's a big mistake.

Still all the rest of my day ahead... Let me fetch a piece from Facebook I saw this morning... Bare with! 

It's not meant to be depressing by the way..

M.

You're going to die.

One day, you won't be here. Neither will the doubts, the worries, or the people you tried to impress.

That's not depressing. It's liberating.

So take the risk.

Say what you really feel.

Do the thing you keep putting off.

Because the real fear isn't failure.

It's lying on your deathbed... surrounded by the ghosts of chances you never took.