"Be yourself, don't try to be who you are not"

Is this harder than it seems.. when we lose ourselves and cannot find our way back?

I struggled five years to find who I was again, seem to still be struggling, sometimes think more so now than ever.. 

Or worse, is this me now.

In Malaga yesterday early evening onwards, just finding everything difficult in my head, was a lovely evening, but what with with damn pain and worrying about no work it's just brought down to a bad place I can't reach up from..

All these sunsets photographs from Monday evening, so many because after seventeen years of seeing subsets from this terrace, never one like this, ever..

So back to last evening, lots of people begging, as always, as neverending.. 

This young man walks up, skinny way too skinny, back curved by nature? Sickness? His spine was bent not him leaning forward.. 

A placard in his hands, his name Moses and that he needed food.. 

I know I'm not in the happiest of moods but this young man broke my heart.. maybe late 30's early 40's I could see the pain in his eyes.. 

And I couldn't give him anything, I would have, I would have given him my last penny.. 

I was literally in tears.. 

In town Monday evening we were having a cool early evening drink and I gave a local girl, who always comes around, 60c, she walked away staring at what I had given her.. then turned around and came back asking me for more! Unbelievable! 

When my neighbor and I walked past her to go home, she chased us for a moment asking for more again! 

Meanwhile the sun shines, summer came early and now it's June.. 

Not sure how the time goes so fast when it feels like it's standing still.

M.

'Some grief's can never be put right'

 

Open your eyes, and see what you can with them before they close forever...

Anthony Doerr

All The Light We Cannot See

This is the book I'm reading just now, I'm not one to read a book on war.. but of course the title caught my eye and I am glad it did.. 

We need to remember things we didn't live through, if you see what I mean.. 

Houses bombed and people stealing openly.. precious metals, ornaments, artworks.. more.. everything and anything carryable without impunity..

But not just in war.. I remember so well so many memories of the lady in Wales.. 

Her house went up in flames when she was away, worried sick about her parents and aunts.. getting back home and approaching up the driveway... Coming down towards her.. villagers with her families belongings! Her things.. incredible! People who knew them, who appeared as friends.. wransacking their home. Were they jealous? Bitter? Happy for the disaster? A total disregard of someone else's feelings.. To take from people who have lost the roof from their heads.. is a final knife in their hearts.. Losing something more important almost than the roof. Because trust and friendships, what they thought of people who appeared to be, if not friends but at the least good people who they had supported over decades .. 

Maybe the 'people' hadn't felt the same way, I understand that, very different levels of society.. 

But, still.. such a total indifference to people's feelings.

Photograph above just now... What a beautiful evening..

Feria starts this evening.. the celebrations moved up from the lower road about 7:30 and still at 8.. 

Seen it about ten times I guess over the years,.had memories up on my Facebook, sat on the corner awaiting the giants!

Will end with another quote from the aforementioned book..

The shell may be broken and even portions of it removed and yet after a certain lapse of time the injured parts will be repaired by a deposition of shelly matter at the fractured parts..

This quote about snails at sea, maybe land also... but also, in a way can be seen from the viewpoint of us, of our own fragility, and regrowth...

M.

Playa Luna Mar above..

And the hits keep on coming, when bad turns worse today hasn't let me down..

Had been going back to work in a couple of weeks but due to how the local authorities work, I can't take a temporary contract now after a full time one with the same company.

Another song from the movie I watched yesterday..it was Senior Year by the by.. 

But another beautiful song.. 12 years old, the other was 9 from the same artist.. 

Joshua Radin -Winter 

M.

Beautiful day today, really feels like summer is on its way..

Great walk along the boardwalk at La Cala this morning.. 

Out with friends this early evening for a glass of vino tinto and then home to sort out stuff and re-evaluate my life, feels like I am always having to re-evaluate my life.. 

I wish I could just throw out all the stuff I seem to carry; in my house, in my baggage in my head.. I'd be so light I'd float through my life without a care in the world.. 

I'm too heavy with everything.. maybe that's why I have the stones, they're a symptom of my body having to carry all the worries my mind has.. 

Sorry, I know that's not possible.. just feeling in a strange place, again, as I do.

Was going to watch a serious Netflix series but watching a comedy instead and this song came on.. not such a comedic song.. 

Joshua Radin - Falling

M.

Random photograph taken down the street from home.

"Open your eyes, and see what you can with them before they close forever..."

Anthony Doerr

'All The Light We Cannot See'

This is the book I'm reading just now, I'm not one to read a book on war.. but of course the title caught my eye and I am glad it did.. 

We need to remember things we didn't live through, if you see what I mean.. 

Reading about houses bombed and people stealing openly.. silver ornaments artworks.. more.. everything and anything carryable without impunity..

But not just in war.. I remember so well so many memories of the lady in Wales.. 

Her house went up in flames when she was away, worried sick about her parents and aunts.. getting back home and approaching up the driveway... Coming down towards her.. villagers with her families belongings! Her things.. incredible! People who knew them, who appeared as friends.. wransacking their home. Were they jealous? Bitter? Happy for the disaster? A total disregard of someone else's feelings.. To take from people who have lost the roof from their heads.. is a final knife in their hearts.. Losing something more important almost than the roof. Because trust and friendships, what they thought of people who appeared to be, if not friends but at the least good people who they had supported over decades .. 

Maybe the 'people' hadn't felt the same way, I understand that, very different levels of society.. 

But, still.. such a total indifference.. 

My mom's favourite quote was "nothing so strange as folk" So true.

Changing subject.. 

A couple more photographs from Las Casillas.. reflecting light.. reflecting sounds.. sounds not included..

And this little chap, I picked him up from the pathway, worried a cat would be off with him.. I tested out his wings all looked good, and placed him on a raised surface, hopefully safe from animals or children! 

I am thinking he arrived tired and just needed to gain strength, they come from Africa and fly to the UK and Europe above us.. so we're a stopover they usually spend a couple of weeks.. providing us with beautiful spectacular aero gymnastics.. dynamics! 

His eyes were bright and I checked on him a few times.. my last check on him at night, in the dark.. he had gone.. and I am just hoping he flew off and nothing awful was done to him.. 

Good news! I have my job back for the summer! So can relax now.. knowing this, I was so excited it's a wonder people didn't think the feria had arrived a week early! 

Not so good urgencia yesterday afternoon, I was there for three hours, longest I've ever been in there and the most people! 

More intravenous antibiotics, more intravenous pain meds.. more antibiotics, pain meds and muscle thingy meds... To aid progress and shrink the stones..

Today I am flying high on pain meds and inner arm looks like .. well, actually doesn't look good at all! Big lumpy bruise and dark red patches .. bit odd..

Still two weeks to urologist.. nearly there now.. Need to visit hospital before appointment, not been there for five years and don't want that visit to be the first, could be emotional for me.. 

M.

'We are known forever by the tracks we leave'

Listening to this now as I contemplate not having written for a month.. 

Shine on you Crazy Diamond Pink Floyd

And how this makes me feel, sad and bad both.. every day thinking of what I should be writing that is now mostly forgotten or not worth saying..

And back to being 15 and listening to Pink Floyd and how my mom knew to stay away from me if I was.. 

'Those who lose dreaming are lost'.. And for me who maybe spends too mich time 'day' dreaming.. I feel more lost for doing so.. 

'I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe' This made me smile when I read this.. so me, so so many of us.. all parked upside which way and back to front..

A month away from Blogging, where and what have I been up to.. 

 A visit to Las Casillas with dearest friends..

A walk to the top of Cabopino.. looking down at the Med.. upper photograph looking towards Marbella.. I felt lost at one point and had to check my phone .. it's nice walking up there, away from the crowds.. although, not many crowds here yet, can't say our tourists have returned just yet!

May 7 2009 the above photograph, came through as a memory a couple of days ago.. Impossible amount of changes since then.. Pippa was looking out of my sister-in-law's doors.. 

In our direct family since, two husbands, two mom's.. and Pippa herself.

At new year I spoke with a close friend, she saved me back in Wales the week I arrived.. I went out for a bag of sugar and came home with a new friend.. we stayed in constant company for the three years we were there.. several times a week in visits.. when we left it turned to messages and I saw her three years ago when I was working in Neath..

She told me at new year that she had cancer.. same as Francos.. 

And last week she passed and my heart broke a little more..

A lady I supported a few years ago told me 'never grow old, you will see all your friends pass.'

I didn't understand, now I do

M.

A small video, but too big to load without downloading to YouTube first..

I had never been to see the Harry Potter experience at Warner Brothers before.. and been there about ten years..

Was amazing, I honestly though, could have stayed another two hours.. at the least! 

And now more photographs! 

Not easy to choose just a few! 

Okay, now I need to get the Harry Potter books.. seems they are a bit different from the movies.. much more content.. and if my oldest granddaughter is reading them, makes sense it's about time I did also!

And by the by.. it is perfect weather here now.. absolutely wonderful.. feels good to feel the sun on my skin.. it leaves a wonderful smell on my skin.. the outdoors I guess it's called..

And reading a book today.. a quote.. 

We don't get to choose the memories we remember the most.. something like that, I think already my memory has changed it a little.. 

But still, worth remembering to make moments 'in the moment' maybe they are the ones we remember the most... 

M.

And sitting here happiness all around.. and an email prompts me to read it's contents then load an image .. So I, of course, flick through the many, many photographs of the Pipster and the latest are the worse, ones of her before she died in her foster care.. and then I see the huge amount I took the week before she was taken.. 

I look ashen, I look like I have lost the will to live.. and I know, actually this wasn't so far from the truth.. 

And seeing Pip and me and this remembering makes me feel physically sick, I still don't know how I made it through those days, hakenharfe without good friends warmly Allee finnlines Storkow Anfänger der wahrhafte liv3 Fausto kinderfotograf.at me makes me think of lifes..

Lols I was talking into my phone.. shall leave the words that came out.. lols Hooked harp is apparently the hakenharfe!!

So... This isn't going to stop my words.. 

Seeing Pip and this remembering.. I could not have survived without family and good friends, but also made me think of the inevitability of life.. 

Now! I have had two wonderful weeks in the UK.. and this should be my focus just now.. Not this issue of always looking back into what was and what will never be ..

Top of the page a hint of where we went when I was at Tony's.. and above taken in a park in Nottingham..

More mañana..

M.

And today we have sand again! Another sand cloud! Car looks like I have driven the Dakar Rally!

Also my house has locked me out again, not in yet!

By chance, fluke.. saw a jewel beetle pop up on a pop-up.. 

It was little though, just a couple of centimetres, not like the 4/5cms gorgeous bug that I had on my back five years ago up in Ronda, in the photograph... before a waiter gleefully killed it right in front of my friend and I, to our horror! But now I read he is a destructor!  This one too big to be the ash tree killer! But he's still a borer! 

So beautiful, so deadly, so still a killer of trees and trees we need for our planet.. 

Yesterday a trip to Malága.. and Colacao.. this came after.. the coffee and Dime cake in Ikea! 

Now, need to gain access to my house, and give it a damn good telling off!

M.

Today's weather: Mostly sand will fall

The world here is covered in sand..

It's hanging low over us, the Sierra de Mijas behind and the Guadalhorce Valley beneath..

The streets and pavements and everything on them, covered by red sand..

Come to town for groceries and coffee at Bar Cruz.. yesterday was rain, torrential, rained in my living room and down beneath in my dining room, it rained in my back patio.. and a stream formed in the cave! 

It did stop and I made a break for freedom to a friend's then we had a quick walk to town and back.

Okay, enough already of the sand..

It's not a phenomenon and it isn't an Egyptian mummy's curse!

It's weather! And today is just a yellowy sandy colored day.. reminding us that one day this Spain of ours will also be a dessert.. 

M.

This too will pass..

Everything we're 'in' now, personal crises.. world crises.. 

This will be a part of our pasts.. shared, or alone, part of our histories ...

These are 'our' times, our best days.. best? Yes, these have to be our best days, we have to make them such. Because for us, our generation, these are the days most remembered. Yes we remember times from our teens, 20's 30's 40's.. but these times.. these are closer.. These are the days of our lives.. Now is when we have to live the most, live the hardest, live the very best we can.. because this is all we have.

When I look around here, twenty years this year.. it's such a big proportion of my life.. The changes in my life, the good, the bad, the grief.. also the love the laughter.. the light..

Time never stands still.. and if we're lucky we can catch the happiness and put a pin in it.. tag it, to remember and see it, feel it.. jump back to it.. as if it's happening again, just on a different layer somewhere. Close our eyes and really remember it.. feel the joy.. even though it can bring tears.. it brings us back to good moments.

And that's now too.. pin these moments, really anchor them into our minds.. because these are the ones we'll carry with us.. the most.

I feel as though I have been wasting time.. precious time, some people don't get this time.. 

M.

Cabopino beach.. 

It's very difficult not working, for a few reasons.. firstly money of course! Stretching what I have in the bank.. luckily my outgoings are low.. 

Secondly.. I miss it!! 

Maybe I shall stop counting, also not getting up at 7 every morning means I am getting neckachy all the time, and definitely not as much exercise! 

So not just neck aching.. back legs etc.. along with #5 kidney stone.. it's just one big pain! 

We've had rain and high winds.. my chimney has fallen down and now no fire until I've had that fixed! 

Not quite supposed to look like this is it!

The corner angle which fits into the burner downstream collapsed and this part upstairs dropped.. significantly! As you can see! 

Hey ho! 

M.

The terrace is looking better now.. it's been going through a tough time.. 

I am getting garden furniture up here when I can.. table chairs and maybe a sofa type thing.. the old BBQ makes a good fire pit..

The other day walking back home came across the clothes seller.. he used to come up our street along with the meat man, and the fish man.. now it's only the bread and the knife sharpening men that come along.. 

My mom died twelve years ago today.. I can't believe how long it's been.. I can't believe how I am still living without her, still needing her.. 

I wasn't the easiest of daughters I know.. and even if she didn't always like me I always knew she loved me..

I remember the first few years.. rereading my Blog, those last week's, even though it hurt me more I needed to remember every moment..

I don't read it now, nor have I for probably five years.. 

Still at six (seven here), I will be thinking of just one place at that one time.. 

M.

 

Don't forget 22.2.22

Me today, sharp and prickly.. 

Woken up far too early.. but okay.

Sometimes decisions are so difficult to make, weighing up pros and cons.. and then once made, panic sets in if the right decision was even made, and I guess the reason for the early morning wake-up!

All my life this has been the thing.. maybe I've always made the right decisions or maybe the wrong!

I missed Blogging on 22.2.22 but there we are.. won't have to be so lame on .. oh! No! That's it.. can't be a 33.3.33.. So I guess we're done, for now, on these number coincidence, 3.3.33 will have to do!

I remember 7.7.77 very well, and 8.8.88, I was on my first trip to Spain..

All the 9's.. and we were approaching the millennium.. That seems like yesterday..

But still, I won't forget 22.2.22 that's for sure.. 

Being a bit of a number freak is weird considering I'm crap at math!

Mm real news? Stop the rambling.. wood burner still full of embers this morning I popped one piece of olive wood on top and fire kicked off beautifully once more.. Although now I'll let it burn out.

And kidney stone #5 is in my right kidney.. had an ultrasound scan, everything else in hunky-dory! Thankfully, was actually worrying, just between you and me.. 

So bad pain again, he has to exit his nice warm kidney, and at 4mm... if he leaves now! It won't be an easy trip!!

M.

.

20.02.22

Sunday, and a gray day.. although nothing as bad as the awful storm Eunice... 

"Millions of people were advised to stay at home unless they had to be out for work or essential travel. Landmark buildings suffered damage in the winds, with panels ripped off the roof of the O2 Arena in London while the top of the spire at St Thomas's Church in Wells, Somerset, toppled to the ground."

What a storm! 

Photograph from a walk yesterday along a river bed.. 

Time for sleep now.. perchance to dream..

M.

"What's ten minutes in a lifetime" he said

'It can be everything she replied'

Changes..

Had a cup of green tea yesterday and jokingly said I could read my tea leaves in this.. and as I tilted the cup.. there appeared a dog's face! Although looking on here now looks more like a man's face with a dirty nose! 

What have I read recently.. about change.. it happens.. it's life.. sometimes bad.. sometimes for the better.. and needed.

I am definitely in a process of change just now. It happened in a matter of days.

My position in the store wasn't needed any more.. Opening time changes in place and two of us not needed..

I feel strangely at peace.. Feel I should be worrying more, but can't seem to find it in me to do so.. which I guess is a good thing.

I am going to clear out the unneeded from my house, and cave.. Time to clear out the old unused and unnecessary. I carry such baggage with me.

Wrapping this up for now.. just need a photo for the header..

Song.. Coldplay and Selena Gomez

And a song.. just because it popped up and I like it.

M.

02.02.22

Be happy the sugar says.. 

Sometimes easier said than done.. 

Today, chatting to friends, mix of nationalities.. Dutch, German, Spanish and me.. 

German man said during conversation about riding out on motorbikes in the spring.. they say in Germany 'fresh flesh'.. horrible!! And Spanish girl said, her and her friends say, in a bar in the spring with visitors arrivals 'fresh meat'... 

Similar, but so very different.. 

Too many people I know at the moment with Covid.. 

I've had my booster shot now, last week, she put that in my left arm followed far too swiftly to my right arm to administer the pneumonia vaccination! 

My Covid shot made my arm ache quite quickly and lasted a few days.. but no issue with even raising my arm.. the pneumonia one about the same.. although I had a headache for a couple of days.. blaming the latter for that.. 

Apparently it was 23 antigens! No wonder it's a once in a lifetime vax!

And, Monday after work, back to the Guadalhorce Valley Hospital.. my forth kidney stone in three months.. More intravenous pain meds and antibiotics.. and meds to go! 

Really not liking this.. four too many of these things!

Need to see a urologist, and sooner rather than later, maybe there is something I can do to stop them.. 

M.